


Light of his Life

by PunchABee



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: BDSM, M/M, Minor Dorian Pavus/Cullen Rutherford, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:17:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 78,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunchABee/pseuds/PunchABee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Farren wants to be with his daughter. Fuck this hole in the sky. Fuck the fade, fuck the dread wolf. He just wants to be home. (Currently going through a massive edit. Only chapters 1-5 are currently up to date.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We can't look back for nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farren is about to be 30 and he thought at this point in his life he'd be Keeper not leading a weird makeshift army against a hole in the sky.

The walk back to Haven was a slow one. Fighting off mages and Templars had worn them out. Needless to say, Farren was eager to return. Though less eager to return to the whispers. The lies behind his back. The rumors of his use of blood magic. Or how he’d slain of the Divine. Least of all the people that looked at him with worship in their eyes. Those who called him the Herald of Andraste with such hope. It was unsettling. He barely believed in his own gods. The Maker? His Bride? It sounded fake. He wanted no part in it. No part of human stories. Shemlen conflating him with their gods wasn’t something he needed right now. Not on top of everything else. 

“You okay back there”, Varric called out.

Farren looked up noticing Cassandra, Solas and Varric had all stopped. “Yeah, sorry just a little tired”

“We can take a short break if you’d like”, Cassandra said.

Farren shook his head “I’d rather keep going if you don’t mind.

Cassandra gave him a sympathetic look, but turned around and kept walking.

Farren was grateful he wasn’t truly in the mood for conversation. It had been a long two weeks. First with a giant hole in the sky. Then meeting with Mother Giselle, and fighting his way to the horse master. Only to be told in essence to fuck off and go do more work. He knew of course that everything had a price. A pound of flesh to be paid for what he needed was expected. It didn’t stop him from being annoyed, however. He was playing hero with a mark on his hand that could kill him. He missed his family. His daughter whom he’d promised to return to quickly. Now all thoughts of getting home at all seemed like a fantasy. 

“Finally, can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m glad to be back”, Varric said as he pushed open the gate.

“Never before has a place with a giant hole in the sky right above it look so…”

“Oddly welcoming?”,Solas interjected as though he could see Farren’s mind turning.

“Homey, but oddly welcoming sounds better.”

“Well, Lavellan and I have a meeting to get to. We need to make sure those towers get built.”

Farren nodded and followed Cassandra into the chantry. Before now Farren avoided going inside chantries. He didn’t feel particularly welcomed by the Chantry or its chant. Being an elf was one thing, he was also a mage. The Chantry had pretty clear rules about magic. Not that the Dalish subscribed to those. But it was clear Farren wouldn’t be welcomed. Now, however, some people felt this was where he belonged. He still disagreed, but he put that aside for now. Work to be done and all.

“Welcome back Lady Cassandra, and Master Lavellan”, Josephine greet them as they entered the war room.

“Hello Ambassador Montilyet, Commander we have made efforts to secure horses. Gained allies and sent a few new recruits your way.”

“We also saved a few lives and found a cult”, Cassandra said with a laugh.

“A cult?”, Culled asked glancing up from his papers.

“They were praying to a rift it was rather amusing and disturbing.”

“Master Lavellan before we get-”

“Farren, please. I can’t handle any more titles.”

“Farren”, Josephine corrected herself smiling at him. “As I was saying I thought you might want to write to your clan. Inform them you're alive, I could have one of our elven scribes deliver the message.”

“Why would they think I’m dead weren’t they contacted before now?”

“No, we figured you would want to do it.”

Farren paused staring hard at the table, “So they think I’m dead?”

Leliana sighed “Everyone else died so yes they most likely think you’re dead.”

“Fuck”, Farren shouted hands clenching into tight fists. “I promised Ghila I’d return. Gods, she must think I lied, think I’m…”

“Is Ghila your wife? Girlfriend?”

“No, she’s my daughter she’s only three years old. I promised her I’d be back. I swore I wouldn’t leave her an orphan. Josephine, I need you to rush this letter. I need her to know I’m alive.”

“Of course, we can reconvene once you’ve finished writing it.”

With Farren ran out snatching a blank scroll off the table. He grabbed some ink off Josephine’s table. Making his way outside into the sunshine he couldn’t shake the knot in his stomach. How could he forget that everyone else died, of course, his clan would think he too died. Ghila poor sweet innocent Ghila. He’d read her a thousand bedtime stories once he returned. Anything to make up for the pain he must be causing her. He wrote pouring out his apologies. To his Grandmother the Keeper who trained him. To his mother and father, his brother and best friend. Mostly to Ghila who he’d promised he return soon too. It looked like now that would be a lie. He hated to break his promise.

“You alright”, the voice startled him out of his writings.

“Yes, no. Sorry, Varric I just realized my daughter may think she’s an orphan. I swore to her I’d come back at all costs. I should have written the second I was awake. What a stupid mistake to make. She so little Varric so young. Smallest girl in the clan. She needs me and she must think I abandoned her.”

First off, no shit you have a kid? Also, when you first woke up you had to deal with a hole in the sky. So, of course, it slipped your mind. She didn’t, but the idea what she might think your dead? I mean with everything else going on why would that dawn on you.”

“Thank you Varric. I just don’t know how I make this up to her.”

“When you see her next give her something she likes.”

“She enjoys books and sweets and shiny rocks.”

“I never knew I had so much in common with three-year-olds.”

Farren couldn’t help but laugh. He rolled up his letter and smiled the knot in his chest feeling a tad looser. 

“Is there anyone to take care of her?”

“I left her with my parents. Still, I’d rather not leave her with them to long. She’s my kid ya know. I’d rather watch her myself. Not that I can bring her here.”

“Yeah, this is not the safest place for a kid.”

“I should go take this to Ambassador Montilyet. The sooner she gets this the better.”

Farren made his way back to the war room. Handing Josephine the letter with specific instructions on how to deliver. To avoid his clan going hostile and killing anyone. Then he made his way outside and to his room. Laying down but just couldn’t fall asleep no matter how long he laid there. His mind was racing. When did Ghila hear the news? What did she do when she found out? Is she okay? Has she been eating? Sleeping at all? Or has she been crying herself to sleep like he uses too? Gods help and forgive him, he hadn’t meant to do this to her. Gods please let _her_ forgive him.

Giving up on getting any sleep he went for a walk. The cold air whipping around his head. He noticed Solas sitting by the dock gazing up into the night sky.

“I take it you couldn’t sleep either”, he said sitting down beside Solas.

“A problem I’ve never had before.”

“Yeah well there is a giant hole in the sky above us”

“It does seem a bit daunting doesn’t it?”

“More than just daunting.Gods, it’s terrifying. I look up there and I wonder how anyone's sleeping. Above them hangs a hole in the sky that demons fall from. Seems reckless to sleep. Or bold.”

Solas glanced at him then back to the sky. “Do you believe in the old elven gods?”

“Everyone believes in something when they’re scared and their backs are to the wall.”

“So you don’t believe”, Solas asked turning now to look at Farren.

“Yes and no I guess. How much do you know about the elven gods.”

“A great deal. My journeys into the fade have shown me much. I assume you mean something specific about them, though.”

“Yeah, do you know the stories about how Fen’Harel trapped the gods? They vary a bit but it’s the same general story. ‘The story goes that Fen'Harel was clever. Very clever in fact and well-liked he could walk among both clans of gods without fear, and both believed he was one of them. One day he went to each side and told them the other had forged a weapon, a blade that would end the war they were fighting. He told the Creators it was forged in the heavens, and the Forgotten Ones, that it was hidden in the abyss. And when the gods went seeking it, he sealed them all away in their realms forever.’ But that makes no sense right?”

“Which part of it?”

“The whole thing. Fen’Harel is supposed to be a trickster right? Sure he’s powerful and cunning. But he gains nothing from this. The story makes no sense when you think about it. Plus wouldn’t someone like Mythal be too smart to fall for that? So what happened.”

“What do you believe?”

“I think it’s a story I think the truth is far worse. I think maybe Fen’Harel had to trap them.”

Solas eyes shifted a spark in them that Farren couldn’t quite place, “Why would he need to trap them.”

“War. The stories say we were at war. Rather the gods were at war. What if this war was gonna be the end of it all? What if just what if it was too much? And the only way to save the gods to save the elves was to trap the gods?. Maybe he had to lock them away.”

“So you don’t think he’s evil?”

“I think when your backs against the wall we do things we have to. Things we wish we didn’t. But we have to do them to survive. And to allow the people we care about to survive.”

“You have an interesting way of looking at things.”

“Thanks, and thank you for listening to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I? You have such an interesting way of viewing the world.”

“My mother tells me often my soul is much older than my body.”

“I often feel the same. We are a lot like you an I.”

“So different topic”, Farren suggested.

Solas looked out at the over the frozen lake. The sun was just rising slowly painting the sky a myriad of colors.

“I understand if you wanna go try and sleep.”

“What’s your favorite color”, Solas asked turning to look at Farren with a small smile.

“Pink, something about a soft pink is just so lovely, or a bright silver. The two together look wonderous.What about you Solas what’s your favorite color?”

“I don’t think I have one. But I do prefer warm colors, browns golds, dark greens.”

Farren couldn’t stifle his yawn any longer. Body finally willing to let him rest. “Well, I think I’m gonna try and get some sleep.Thank you again, Solas.”

“It was a pleasure to talk to someone with such different views.”

Farren made his way back to his room and promptly sank into his bed. Sleep came quickly but was sadly short-lived. He slept maybe 3 hours before waking. Outside just beyond his walls, the soldiers were running drills. He could hear Cullen’s voice calling out to them. He laid in bed a while longer just listening to the heavy footfalls. The air the seeped through the old wood. The soft song of the birds. He did grow tired of it however after an hour and dressed. Making his way to the war room.

He saw Josephine and Cassandra standing there talking.Cassandra was leaning against a pillar. Bags under her eyes and hair a mess. She looked like if she dared close her eyes even for a second she’d drop.A lot was riding on them and they were still in the dark. She must be clearly under more stress then she let on. Just thinking about what or who was powerful enough to destroy so much scared him. He could only imagine what it felt like for her. She was the closest to a leader that they had. It must way heavily on her.

“Farren, how are you? Did you manage to get some sleep?”

“Good morning Josephine, Cassandra. Yes, I managed a nap. Is something going on?”

“We need to set out to the Hinterlands. The mages and templars are causing problems.”

Farren nodded before turning around “I’ll go pack.”

The hinterlands were vast and full of things that wanted to kill him. Which wasn’t new shemlen often tried to kill his clan? No this was made worse by the war, and the demons. The massive amount of demons. Never ending hoard. Gods forbid they not see one for ten seconds. He packed quickly and stopped by the kitchens to grab something to eat. Farren met Solas and Varric by the gate. Solas looked like he hadn’t yet slept. Varric, however, had that dazed looked of someone who’d just been woken.

“Good morning”, Farren called out before biting into his apple.

“Morning”, Varric said voice still full of sleep.

Solas nodded at him but otherwise stood still.

It seemed peaceful when he faced away from the giant all-consuming hole in the sky. Well, not all consuming but still daunting.

“Mother Giselle has asked us to pick up somethings for her healers while were in the Hinterlands.”

“Morning to you to Seeker.”

“Good morning Varric”, Cassandra said clearly irritated. 

“Please tell me she at least made a list.”

Cassandra handed it to him as they left. So not only were they suppose to play hero to the world, but also run errands. Sure these were life-saving errands. So was closing the magical hole in the sky. For fuck's sake why were they doing it? Couldn’t someone else be responsible for getting more elfroot? Also, why did humans call it elfroot? It isn’t as though it belonged to the elves. Shemlen were so stupid who came up with the name elfroot. Why call it-

“Something wrong”, Solas asked him.

“I uh”, Farren paused and took a deep breath. “I’m just tried.”

“Really because you’ve been mumbling under your breath about elfroot for 30 minutes.”

“Closer to 40”, Varric called out from in front of them.

“Yes, I’m fine. Just wondering why were the ones running errands. Don’t we have enough to worry about? I mean know why. It’s too dangerous for the others. And if we can do something more we should. Because every life matters. So I’m angry at myself and muttering about elfroot. Which isn’t even its name.”

“I understand why you're angry it’s a lot to ask of anyone.”

“I miss my daughter. I miss her so much my chest hurts. Like a real pain in my heart.” 

Farren hadn’t realized it but he was shaking. “What if she got hurt since I’ve been gone. Or by the gods what if a demon got to her? What she’s been killed? What if she’s lying somewhere dead covered in blood? Her last thoughts about how I left and betrayed her. How I should have been there.”

Farren dropped to the ground and tried to breathe. This had happened before and he knew he just needed to breathe. The horrible thoughts circling in his head were just that. Thoughts. Mis mind was just being cruel right now. With each passing second, they got worse. He saw her covered in more blood. Hurt in worse ways. Dying in such cruel manors he almost threw up.

“Lethallin, I’m sure she is alright. Take a deep breath and calm yourself.”

He relaxed as Solas hand rubbed up and down his back. Taking deep breaths as his mind slowly settled. 

“Ma serannas”, he whispered Solas helped him stand back up.

“No need to thank me. Just remember I’m here if you need me.”

Farren walked ahead and he could feel Cassandra’s eyes on him. It was embarrassing, and he was thankful she didn’t ask any questions. He wasn’t even honestly sure how it happened. One minute he was fine the next he was in a state of panic. Still best not to dwell. He had work to do.

It was an 8-day walk to the Hinterlands. Thought it felt longer with each passing day. When they finally arrived it was straight to work. Some templars were stealing food from refugees who barely had any. Tracking them down proved to be a challenge. Upon finding them, however, the battle was over before it truly began. They were so weak from hunger. So tired both from lack of sleep and from the war's toll on them. As he killed the last one he felt nothing and it bothered him. He used to feel such pain upon taking a life. Maybe it was because of the lack of choice. People were dying and lack of action was an action at this point. People would die should he hold back. 

On the way back they gathered twice the amount of elfroot needed. As he saw the gate to Haven he couldn’t stop himself from running forward. He wondered if Ghila had gotten his letter. He shoved the gate open racing to the war room.

“Master Lavellan is that the elfroot I asked for”, Mother Giselle asked him once he was inside.

“Yes, it is. We got double just in case”, he handed her the bag and smiled. “Is Lady Montilyet in the war room?”

“I believe so yes. Also, she received quite a few letters from clan Lavellan. They were spilling out of her arms.”

Farren could feel the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He wondered how many people wrote to him. Mother Giselle hadn’t been exaggerating he discovered as he entered the room. There were at 3 or 4 dozen letters to him on the table. Before he could start looking through them Josephine handed him one. 

“It’s from Ghila I assumed you’d want it first.”

“Thank you.”

He unrolled it and smiled. She was still learning how to spell so most of it was a mess. But she went on and on about thinking he was dead and how much she cried. How now she was happy that he was alive. She promised to be a good girl until he got home. At the bottom, she signed it ‘love you fourever Ghila'. He felt like he was soaring his little girl was alright. Even better she didn’t hate him for being a bad father and forgetting she might think he was dead. She was even getting better at spelling and sounding things out. So clever. 

“Can you have the other letter sent to my room?”

“Of course, but first we should get to business.”

Cullen had finished building the towers which were good. Leliana was busy still her scouts working on something to gain them money. He listened to them talk for a while about people who would be visiting. Try as he might to focus Farren could stop glancing down at the letter in his hand. After the meeting, he went to his room to read through the other letters. The one from his mom was very angry which he suspected it would be. His dad just seemed happy he was alive and well. His brother made a few bad jokes before telling him how much he missed him. It was nice to know they all cared so much for him. He re-read Ghila’s letter a few more times before sleep claimed him.

First thing Farren did when he awoke was write back to his parents. Doing his best to calm his mother rage and soothe his father's fears. Though he understood he couldn’t do much. He was their son after all and he was away from them. Fighting off demons with a strange glowing mark on his hands. If this was Ghila he’d be in a state of constant panic. So he understood that they weren’t going to be calmed by a letter. He then wrote to his brother an apology for all he was going through. For leaving him to handle it alone. Then to his grandmother for leaving her without a first. He then wrote a letter to his cousin Melana asking her to watch over Ghila. After he’d finished he took the letters to a rider who’d deliver them. It was late and Farren found himself yet again by the docks. This time, however, he was alone.

It was rather peaceful at night. Well if you ignored the breach and the sounds from the bar. Maybe he could join them for a drink? Nah, every time he was around the soldiers they gave him this look. Like he was this god-like figure. So hopeful and trusting. Which in his mind made no gods damn sense. He could barely take care of himself. How in Mythal’s name was he suppose to save all these people? Plus he didn’t drink. So he decided to just sit on the dock. He knew the time to approach the remaining clerics was closing in he just wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go through with all that. These were the same people who thought the Exalted March was justified. He might just end up punching them in the face.

“Lost in thought”, the sudden sound made him jump.

“Hi, Varric”, Farren rubbing the back of his neck eyes looking back at the water. “A bit yes.”

“Why don’t you join me for a drink?”

“I don’t drink sorry.”

“You don’t drink?”

“Not if I can avoid it. I don’t like the taste, or how it makes me feel. So no I don’t drink.”

“I guess to each there own. Still, you could come watch me drink”

“That sounds just _too_ fun Varric really.”

“Alright how about I buy you something to eat then?”

“I’ll do just about anything for free food.”

Farren stood up and followed Varric into the loud tavern. He should have listened to the voice yelling at him that this was a bad idea. He felt the others stare at him and start to whisper as they made their way to a table. This was already going just perfectly. One person calls him The Herald and he was leaving.

“You sit here and I’ll go order. Do you know what you want?”

“A steak if possible and maybe some apple juice.”

“Understood”, and with that Varric walked off.

People had stopped looking at him. It seems for the most part they’d gone back to their previous conversation. He heard someone sat to the left of him call him a knife-ear but that was nothing new. It was something you had to get used to when dealing with shemlen. His clan traded with every village they passed. So he’d grown used to being insulted by idiots who didn’t like him based on his ears. He looked around the room and locked eyes with a young woman sitting at a table towards the bar. 

She smiled at him, eyes glittering in the moonlight. She looked down then back up at him coyly. Looking at him from under her lashes. Tucking a piece of soft blonde hair behind her ear. He couldn’t help but smile back. Even shooting her a wink as she giggled.

“You flirt”, Varric said as he returned with Farren’s food and the drinks.

“Yep. It harmless so why not enjoy it? Not like I plan on bedding her.”

“Why not she clearly wants you too?”

“Two reasons Varric. One, she’s apart of that group of people who believe I’m the Herald of Andraste. So that puts me in a position of power. How would I know if during sex she wasn’t just trying to please me? She might hate it all but just agree to make me happy. Ergo I end up raping her which is a crime, and also really mean to do. Two, She’s too young for me. She’s 18 maybe 19. I don’t sleep with people that aren’t at least 25. That 10 year age difference might not matter when your 60 dating a 50-year-old. But 29 dating a 19-year-old just seems wrong.”

“Alright, so why flirt with her then?”

“Nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting.”

Varric chuckled and Farren couldn’t help but smile. He cut into his steak and grinned. It was medium rare just how he liked it.

“I thought you might enjoy that. I use to know this elf I called her Daisy. Anyway, she preferred her steak that way too. She said elves eat a lot of meat. Which I wouldn’t have guessed you guys seem like you’d eat mainly salads.”

“Nope, like cats, we enjoy a good amount of meat. In fact, we even eat raw fish from time to time.”

“Really, you just catch a fish and bite into it?”

“Well no we gut it first and remove the scales. But yeah raw fish is very tasty.”

“So why do you guys eat so much meat?”

“We have no idea, but the Keepers say we need it. City elves and elves who are slaves live shorter lives because they don’t eat as much meat. Most dalish elves live about 125 years. We age slower and live longer because we have a better diet.”

“You enjoying that steak?”

“Yeah, it’s great. I’ve been eating mostly jerky and that stew. I honestly don’t know whats in it and I’m not about to ask.”

Varric took a sip of his ale and eyes the steak. Farren could see the wheels in his head churning. “Do that dalish eat halla meat? Not like kill the halla but once it’s died?”

“Gods no we burn it and make items out of the horns. Eating a halla would be like eating a Fereldan eating a mabari. Only worse because we have a god that was turned into one.”

“Oh, okay. Is there any other meat you guys can’t eat?”

“Hawks and ravens are also forbidden and that's it. My clan mostly ate elk and fish. My mom makes this egg and elk meat dish for breakfast that I miss.”

“Maybe you could have someone make it.”

“Can’t, don’t know the recipe she said I’d get it when she died. She didn’t find it funny when that night I crept in and tried to steal it. I told her it was either I take it or I take her life. If looks could kill.”

“You threatened to kill your mom? Bad joke.”

“Nah, great joke would have been funnier if I’d had some weapon in hand.”

“So she keeps her recipes written down?”

“Yeah, she keeps them all in this huge book. More like a tome really and…I’ve been talking all about myself. Tell me about you Varric.”

“Not much to say really I’m a writer. Adventure and all around handsome funny guy.”

“I can just see why women throw themselves at your feet.”

Varric laughed and Farren couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, so what do you wanna know?”

“Did Hawke, Anders, and Fenris end up okay? The book isn’t very helpful, and I really want them to be happy.”

“Anders is doing much better from his last letter. He and Hawke went to find Mahariel. Fenris met up with them afterward.”

“Wait, the warden commander? Dawn Mahariel the dalish rouge who killed the archdemon?”

“Not really a rouge. Little known fact she’s a mage who hides her magic. She also did indeed kill the archdemon.”

“I have no idea she was mage. I met her once when I was younger. Wow.”

“Most people don’t know. She likes to use it as way to throw people off in fights. She’s also a very charming woman. She’s even dating our very own spymaster Leliana, and Loghain Mac Tir. That is if rumors are to be believed.”

“Why would she date that mage hating elf killer?”, Farren pushed his now empty plate away. “I feel so tired now. I might just lay down on the floor. Fuck walking all the way back to my room.”

“I might just have to join you. I’m feeling worn out myself.”

“Hey, thank you Varric I’d like to do this again. “

“Anytime that I’m not writing you can.”

“Ya know I write a little. Not stories like you but poems.”

“I’d love to read some.”

“It’s all personal, but sometime maybe when I know you better. With that, I’m off to go sleep.”

Varric waved to him as he left dragging himself to the bedroom. He stripped and burrowed under the covers leaving only his face visible. This was the way he most enjoyed sleeping, naked wrapped in a blanket.He fell fast into a dreamless sleep. When he awoke the sun was shining and someone was knocking lightly on the door. He groaned pulling the covers tightly around himself before falling out of bed. He could hear beyond the door a shout but paid it little mind as he got to his feet. Opening the door to nothing more than the thick quilt.

“Good morning Lord Herald. Are you alright I heard a thud? Also, I was asked by Commander Cullen to retrieve you”, said a soldier he’d never seen before.

“Uhh…Why does he need me right now?”

“They have a plan on how to get the Revered Mothers.”

“Ah great, good. Listen I’m gonna shut this down now. Tell Cullen I’m getting dressed will you?”

“Of course Lord Herald.”

Farren dropped the blanket and tossed it onto the bed. Shivering as the cold morning air his him. He dressed as quickly as he could. Making his way outside to fill a bowl with water. Once he’d use that to wash his face and clean up some he made his way towards the chantry. He could hear the fighting as soon as he stepped through the door. He could practically feel the tension in the air. It seemed to grow thicker with each passing second. The hair on the back of his neck began to stand on end. This couldn’t be a good thing whatever this plan was. He pushed open the door slowly cautious of every movement he made. 

“Am I interrupting”, he asked as all eyes fell on him.

“We have a plan to call the Clerics together.”

“Doing this puts the Herald in great danger though”, Leliana reminded them all with a hint of irritation in her voice. “Should we just ignore that and send him anyway? Lead a lamb to slaughter.”

Josephine shook her head “Currently they only strength the chantry has is that it’s united in opinion. If we can change even a few voices. Cause just a bit of doubt and we gain some leverage.”

“This plan still puts Lavellan in front of a crowd of people who’d like to see him killed.”

“At this point thats any crowd of people really”, Farren added feeling tense himself now.

“Master Lavellan this is your decision to make.”

“On one hand they could kill me and string me up as an example. On the other hand, we need to do this. So my comfort versus thousands of lives.This isn’t even a choice, we have to.”

“If you're sure”, The look Leliana gave him his so many secrets.She knew something he didn’t that much was clear.

“No I’m not nor will I ever be. Doesn’t mean we can just stand around. We have no choice but to go forward.”

“I will be with you the whole time”, Cassandra placed a hand on his shoulder. 

He nodded at her a tried to smile. Dammit, this was not what he wanted to do ever. At least he’d gotten a good nights sleep before his lynching.

“We can’t approach anyone for help with the breach. He’s right Leliana we have no choice in this matter.”

“How long will it take us to reach Val Royeaux?”

“About 5 days on horseback.”

Farren eyed the maps warily. “I’d prefer one of the harts. Closer to halla.”

“Anything we can do to make you more comfortable.”

He couldn’t help the laugh the escaped his lips. “Sounds like I’m dying.”

They loaded up their mounts and rode off. The hart he’d chosen he’d nicknamed Violet. For a hart that was supposed to be untamed, he seemed very calm for the whole of the journey. Which felt much longer than just five days. Maybe that was due to Varric and Cassandra’s bickering? He’d grown tired of hearing them snipe at one and other He knew they had a history that much was obvious. The fighting was making it hard for him to even hear himself think at points. Which is what he needs to work on a speech. One he’d be giving in front every cleric that gathered. He wondered idly if these would be his last words. Or if this speech would be something bards would sing of later. The moment in time when he changed the world.

When they arrived at the gate to Val Royeaux Farren felt a great weight settle upon his chest. The gate was massive. An ornate antique made of beautiful shimmering gold. Everything beyond it seemed to glitter in the sunlight. The way freshly fallen snow did. The gates opened slowly allowing them access to the huge city in front of them. He could hardly believe he was standing in Val Royeaux. Dalish elves rarely came so close to the city. It’s templars made it too dangerous, yet here he was. As they made their way inside people took note of them and backed away in fear. Which made Farren feel just great about coming here.

Varric spoke breaking his trance “Just a guess seeker but I think they know who we are”

“Your skills of observation never fail to impress me, Varric.”

They walked further in and a scout came to greet them She bowed as she reached them “My Lord Herald. The chantry mothers await you but so do a great many templars.”

“There are templars here?”

“People think the templars will protect them for the Inquisition. They’re gathering on the other side of the market. I think that's where the templars intend to meet you.”

“They wish to protect the people from us?”

Oh great, this would only end well Farren thought. He stiffened and began to level his breathing. He had to remain focused on the large goal here. It would do no one any good if everyone who could help just died here. “Not us, I assume it’s mainly me. Which makes sense since I’m so terrifying,”

“Surely they can’t-”

“You should return”, Farren said glancing back at Cassandra.

“He’s right. Return to Haven someone will need to inform them if we are…delayed.”

They walked around the large blue building with a tension in each movement. They weren’t here to fight but a fight we most likely what they’d get. Farren wasn’t ito the mood to deal with this. He guessed Cassandra wasn’t either by the way she gripped her sword. She didn’t want to draw it that much was clear. He prayed as the rounded the building. Prayed that they’d make it out of this alright. They slipped through the crowd watching the woman on the wooden stage.  
Standing on the stage shouting was a revered mother, she accused him of killing the Divine, the claimed that no elf would ever be chosen by the Maker to save them. She continued to prattle on despite Farren’s best efforts to explain. What’s more, the bloody templars were back. The came marching on stage with the irritatingly superior look to them and…punched her. Shit, that had to hurt. She let a pained cry as she fell. 

What was wrong with these people. Why were they in fighting at a time like this. The mages and Templars were at war. The breach still hung high in the sky. Was no one concerned about this? Humans so content to bicker amongst themselves.

“What kind of person punches someone who can’t even see it coming. Are the Templars so weak they have to fight dirty? And here I was worried you’d be a threat.”

“We are a threat elf and you should hold your tongue. That is unless you’d like to try fighting with no magic.”

Magic or no I’d still win”, Farren took a step forward. “Not that I’d fight you since I make it a point not to his children.”

The man glared at him, but Farren was used to humans behaving like this it didn’t bother him. At least this part he understood. Cassandra seemingly knew the man in charge, and she called out to him, with no avail. In fact, when he did address her he was clearly angry. Why? Because she’d decided to take matters into his own hands and help. Not wait around for someone to tell her to. His rant was starting to grind on Farren’s last nerve

“Yeah I’m sure this rant is great but there are more pressing matters at hand.”

“How dare you interrupt me mage!”

“Will you join us in sealing the breach or not?”

“Why would we allow an elf to lead us? No, we’ll seal the breach on our own. Templars! Val Royeaux is unworthy of our protection!”

Farren sighed as he watched them walk away. This was a turn of events he hadn’t prepared for on the journey here. Behind him, he heard Varric talking.

“-isn’t he.”

“Has the Lord Seeker gone mad.”

“Do you know him well?”

“He took over about two years ago after Lord Seeker Lambert’s death.He was always a decent man, never one for grandstanding. This is very bizarre.”

Farren sighed before turning around to check on the mother that had been knocked down. He stepped carefully towards her like one might do with a wounded animal. 

“I’m sorry that he hit you.”

“You don’t have to act like you care”, she said bitterness coating her words.

“I do no one should have to be struck down like that. Is there anything I can do for you? A spell to help with the pain?”

“No, I’d rather you didn’t touch me.”

“Is there a chance the Chantry will stop fighting us? Could you allow us to close the breach without this uphill battle we’re getting from you.”

“My fellow clerics have scattered to the wind, along with their convictions. Just answer a question for me, do you really believe you are the makers chosen?”

“No, I don’t. Haven’t you already made up your mind anyway? Why bother asking me?”

“Because despite all my fears what if it’s true? What if I’ve erred? This is out of our hands now I suppose.”

Farren nodded and walked off the small stage towards a woman in a mask. Who asked to aid them which made Farren smile. So things weren’t turning out perfectly. Nothing ever did. This was nice though. That smile quickly vanished as some loosed an arrow near him.

“What’s that? An arrow with a message?”

Farren knelt down to pick it up and read it. “It’s from someone calling themselves The Friends of Red Jenny. It’s a list of places to stop by before we leave.”

So despite better judgment, they split up and got the notes left for them. Farren read them and sighed heavily. Who this person was they wanted to meet. Before that could happen they had to return to haven. Making their way to the exit they were stopped yet again. This time by a young man with an invitation from someone named Vivienne de Fer. He pocketed it and nodded to him before yet again trying to leave. Stopped again but this time by someone of import. Grand Enchanter Fiona and that was an honor. Even better she offered to at least meet with them. She then bid them adieu before taking her leave. So all in all, not a total loss.

Finally, after all of that, the left the large gates slamming shut behind them. Farren could hardly wait to reach Haven. After everything that had happened he needed a nap and a long hot bath. Which he wasn’t likely to get but still. He needed a break, after all, that drama. The mages wanted to help which was great, but he couldn’t help but wonder. What if the cost of their help was too high? They wanted freedom which he respected. What if Cassandra didn’t, or Cullen took offense. Leliana seemed like she’d agree with whoever would help. She seemed more pragmatic than the others. Josephine was the coin toss. He let out a sigh as they stopped to make camp. He’d have plenty of time to think in the morning.

The journey home felt shorter. It also felt like going home which was new. Farren had come to think of home as where ever Ghila was. Now though home had to be where ever he could keep her safe. As they walked through the gate Cassandra pulled him aside. 

“We need to go and speak with the others, but you can take a bath first.”

“Are you saying I stink Lady Cassandra?”

“No I’m saying you were eager to take one as we were traveling”, She said with a smirk. “And that you stink.”

“Thank you”, Farren said rolling his eyes at her comment.

Making quick work of filling the large wooden tub with water. He then used his magic to heat it. He knew he couldn’t spend too much time in the bath he had work to do. That didn’t, however, stop him from wanting to. He grabbed the soap and shuddered it smelled so strong. He was gonna have to buy something that smelled less of harsh flowers soon. Once he’d washed himself he dressed and dumped the water from his bath. Cassandra was waiting for him outside his room reading a book. They walked into the chantry together. As they made their way down the hall Josephine stepped out from behind one of the pillars.

“It’s good you’ve returned. We heard of your encounter.”

Cassandra raised an eyebrow “You heard?”

“My agents in the city sent word ahead, of course.”

Ah, Leliana had prepared well. He felt better knowing she’d sent more than just one person.

Cullen sighed and crossed his arms “It’s a shame the templars have abandoned their senses and well as the capital.”

“Yes well, something good came out of this. We have an opening with the mages. Also a lead on how to approach the templars. Not all bad for a meeting where someone got punched.Thankfully that someone wasn’t me. Mind you we still don’t have either on our side.”

This talk continued for some time, it was clear how Cullen felt about going to the mages. It was also clearly that they were the better option at this point. Farren didn’t want to wait around while there was a giant hole in the sky. The mages could help them act now. So he spoke up, silence the rest of the conversation, thankfully. Once everyone else had left however Leliana approached him, and he felt nervous.

“Can we talk about something? I don’t me to bother you but it is of some import.” She leaned in close to him. So close he could feel her breath upon his neck.

“I’m flattered, but I thought you were dating Mahariel.” It wasn’t a good joke but he could see the corners of Leliana’s mouth turn up.

“By the Maker, you two would get along so well. Such poor jokes at just poor timing.”

“Yet you seemed to smile. So I do believe I win.”

“It seems all the wardens have vanished. Even my beloved Has no idea where they are. I’ve sent word to Orlais, but they have also disappeared. Dawn has no idea where too and she’s not nearby. Her travels have taken her across the sea.”

“Do you think they had something to do with this?”

“Dawn’s men? Not at all they’ve been with her. The others, however, the timing is curious. Two days ago my agents heard news of a Warden named Blackwall located in the Hinterlands. If you could seek him out it would put my mind at ease.”

“I will do my best to find him then.”

Leliana left and Farren couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his chest. So much to do, he still had to find this Red Jenny person. Also, this party being hosted by the Madame de Fer. Now he had to track down a Grey Warden. He walked outside with the intention of grabbing something to eat only to be stopped by a man he’d never met before. He wasn’t like the others that came to Haven. For one thing, his armor look sturdy. For two he looked well fed.

“Excuse me, I’ve got a message for the Inquisition, but I’m having a hard time getting anyone to talk to me.”

“You are? Never mind what’s the message?”

“I’m Cremisius Aclassi, with The Bull Chargers. We got word of some Tevinter mercenaries gathering out on the Storm Coast. My company commander, Iron Bull, offers the information free of charge. If you’d like to see what we can do for the Inquisition meet us there and watch us work.”

“Why would anyone want to join us? Is your commander insane? We are currently sitting under a giant hole in the sky.”

“Yes, he is, he also believes in what you're doing.”

“Who am I to deny him the chance to make a huge mistake. Very well we’ll be there.”

Farren walked off heading towards his room. He was no longer hungry he just wanted a nap. Clearly, things were just getting started. This thing that felt like an uphill battle. Now felt like climbing up a mountain, in a snowstorm, while fighting a dragon. He’d forgo eating in favor a nice long nap. He suspected he wouldn’t be getting another chance anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided just to merge 1 & 2\. enjoy I've decided to name the chapter after the one I listened to most while writing them. This was written mostly to Tamer's Beautiful Crime: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSb2UJqrtd4


	2. Let's start living dangerously

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and here we see a gathering of nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to the huge nerd who helped me write this! rogue-inquisitor

They arrived at the chateau just before nightfall, but the letters made it clear to wait until midnight. So they chose to hide. He had no idea what awaited them, but better to wait than risk it. So they waited until the full moon was high overhead before making their way down the cobblestone path. It seemed to glow and glisten in the moonlight. They did their best to stick to the shadows, however. They didn't know how many guards were around. When finally they reached the pale silver gate Varric stepped forward and did it away with the lock in seconds flat. Inside around the corner footsteps could be heard. Two possibly three guards nothing he couldn’t handle by himself. Still best to leave nothing to chance.

They set an ambush. It went as smoothly as it could given the circumstances. Farren wasn’t happy though. He was a healer, taking a life went against what he trained for. Sure, he knew it was him or them, but they were just doing their job. He’d barged in, he’d killed them. Not a great feeling. No. Blood now covered the crates now and their clothes, a bit of blood spatter had even landed on Cassandra’s face. He handed her a cloth he kept with him.

“Thank you,” she said using it to wipe off her bloody cheek.

She handed it back to him as they reached the large blue door. The damn thing was huge, which made no sense. Humans lived here not Qunari there was no reason for such an oversized door. Or for there being such a mess, scattered papers and empty wine bottles lay strewn about, besides the door. As he pushed the door open Farren was greeted by a fireball barely missing his face. The next one came even closer and he took a step back. The man flinging them was wearing a white outfit with a gold mask. He had that pompous air about him that all orlesian’s seemed to have.

“Herald of Andraste! How much did you expend to discover me? It must have weakened the Inquisition immeasurably”, the man shouted, but Farren had no fucking clue who he was. He didn’t even know why he was here.

He took a few steps in and the others followed close behind. “Sorry, I have no idea who you are.”

“Don’t play games with me!”

“I’m not?” Farren sighed heavily and stepped forward. “I can take a guess though. Faux superiority. Garish outfit. Annoying and oh so full of yourself. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say some noble I don’t care about. Am I close?”

“Faux superiority? You should learn to hold your tongue when speaking to your betters! I am better than-”

“Can we speed this up a bit? I know you have a whole speech you’d like to give. I’m just so tired. Sorry, did I interrupt you? Please do continue.”

“Rude little knife-ear! I’m too important for this to be an accident! My efforts will survive in victories against you elsewhere!”

Just as he finished there was the sound of an arrow being loosed. This was followed by one of the guards collapsing dead. Standing behind him as he fell was a girl. Moreover, she was an elf, early 20s by the looks of her. With short blonde hair and blueish gray eyes. She was covered in blood and clutching at a bow.

“Just say what!” she said aiming the arrow at the orlesian nobleman.

"What is the-” was all he got out before she let go and the arrow pierced his face.

Farren had to admit it was an impressive display. She shot him straight through his open mouth. That was a very hard shot to make even from so close. She told him her name was Sera, after making a few comments about him being an elf, then informed him she’d taken the pants of the other soldiers. Which made no sense when you could take their weapons, but to each their own. If he was honest it did make the battle a little funnier.

After they’d dealt with the mercenaries Sera asked to join them. She seems a good shot, if a little childish, reminding him of his brother when they were young, and dear gods he sounded old, he was only 29. Farren turned his attention back to Sera as she finished talking

“Well, that’s what they say and all. Look, don’t get ahead, yeah? I want to help this- whatever it is. Inquisition.”

“Ya know what Sera I’d love to have you tag along. I’m sure the Inquisition can use your ‘friends’ as well.”

“Yes! Get in good before you’re too bring to like. That’ll keep your breeches where they should be. Plus extra breeches, because I have all these… you have merchants who buy that pish, yeah? Got to be worth something. Anyway, Haven. See you there, Herald. This will be grand.”

“Whoa, slow down Sera. Cassandra, Varric and Solas can escort you back.”

“What, Lavellan are you sure this is wise? If we take her back we leave you defenseless.”

Farren turned to Cassandra fixing her with an irritated look “I am far from defenseless. Plus this invite to Vivienne de Fer’s is for me alone. It’s a days ride there any way I should be fine alone. If worse comes to worse at least try and get my hand back.”

“This isn’t a joke we need you alive to seal the rifts and the breach.”

“Your concern is touching believe me. I’ve made up my mind, though take Sera back to Haven. I’ll go meet this Vivienne de Fer. See what she has to say if it’s worthwhile or not. Either way, it’s best if you all return now.”

Sera let out a loud groan causing everyone to turn and stare at her. “Do I get no say in this?”

“Not really, you wanna join you play by the rules. Rule one being everyone goes back and I go to a party.”

“I agree with Farren, our time would be better spent returning to Haven. He is more then capable of returning himself.”

“Alright” Cassandra agreed, but she didn’t look happy about it. Rather she looked like she wanted to fight them both. 

“Thank you. Now, why don’t you guys head out this way? I’m gonna swing around front and leave from there. “

Farren rather enjoyed the solitude, the chance to be alone with his thoughts.He’d had so little time to himself as of late, always busy helping people, never a chance for a moment alone. The beauty of the night was unparalleled, it glittered like a magnificent diamond. He rode a ways before stopping to set up what someone else might call camp. He’d laid out his sleeping roll without setting up a tent so he could see the stars. It was relaxing to look up and see them glitter overhead. He drifted off to the faint sounds of crickets chirping. He rose before the sun like he use to when he was with his clan. He rolled his sleeping roll and backed it onto Violet. That was when it dawned on him, he had no food!

He was used to going without eat, so he wasn’t worried about himself. Violet needed to eat though. Harts unlike horses only ate oats which he had none of. He’d have to stop somewhere and buy some. At least he hadn’t forgotten his money. Thank the gods for small mercies. Farren decided before setting off to stretch. His body ached from sleeping on the ground. Well from sleeping on the tiny pebbles he’d been too lazy to clear away. He stretched his body, moving slowly enjoying the breeze on his warm body. As the sun finally began to rise he woke Violet back up and set out.

The sun was hanging high overhead by the time they reached a town. He’d need to wear his cloak for this. Shem merchants didn’t like selling to elves. Though they seemed to loathe selling to savage dalish more. He kept his hood up eyes scanning the vendors until he spotted a stall selling oats towards the end.

“One half-bag of oats.”

“You got that kind of money dalish”, his vallaslin was still visible. Less the ideal. 

“Yes, now if you would please get me a half-bag of oats.”

“Let me see the money. I don’t trust you not to steal them once you see them.”

“Really? How could I not have the money? A half-bag anywhere is 3 silver. Even good oats for half a bag should only be a gold. You're just being-” Farren cut himself off and just slammed down his bag of coin. He truly enjoyed the shock on the man's face. “Now can we hurry this along, please? Unlike you, I’m fucking busy.”

He then made quick work of getting Farren’s oats. While his back was turned Farren stole one of the apples in the barrels beside his stand. Think someone a thief long enough and you’ll get what you get. Let him be right once in his miserable life. After all that he raced back to Violet to feed his poor hart. After making sure he was fed they headed off towards Madame de Fer’s place. Farren enjoyed the apple he stole on the way there. He was used to not eating for days on end. He had a tendency to forget to eat. He’d get caught up working and end up forgetting for entirely. 

As the sun began to set it dawned on him that he had yet to open the package Varric gave him before they set off. He reached into his satchel and found the book wrapped in brown paper. He knew it had to be book judging by weight and feel alone. Farren made quick work of the paper and smiled at the sight. It was a copy of A Slave’s Life the book Shartan wrote. He’d been searching for a copy for some time now. He’d only mentioned it to Varric in passing.

Night was just starting to fall when he stopped in front of what he assumed to be Vivienne de Fer’s house. It was another orlesian chateau, beautiful and intimidating. He could already feel himself being judge and he was alone outside. As he got closer to the door a guard stopped him.

“Invitation Serah” Farren handed it over. The man gave it a look over then returned it. “Straight through if you please.”

Inside he stepped on something so soft he thought it must be a cloud. It felt like a silk wrapped cloud on his feet. Looking down he realized it was a rug and was tempted just to lay on it. How did someone get a rug this soft! To Farren’s credit, he kept walking down the hall and didn’t, in fact, try to steal it. He heard his name called as he walked further in.

“Master Farren Lavellan”, said the man with the scroll.

He’d never been to a party like this, people in large ball gowns that shimmered with each step. He definitely didn’t belong here. Hell, he wasn’t even wearing shoes. He could feel all eyes on him the moment he entered. Not necessarily a bad thing, they were taking note of him. How he acted, how he performed, would determine how this all turned out for him. He felt out of place and out of sort. When he was younger maybe he could handle this. Since Vee, he’d had no practice. He’d all but forgotten how to do this. How to charm people. He put on his best smile and moved slowly. Taking note of all the people watching him. Finally deciding to walk over to a couple standing near the stairs.

It was a refreshing change of pace.To talk to people who could at least hide their contempt. After a minute or so of talk, or in his case straight up lying, a man approached him. Not a very bright man incidentally. Idiot decided calling him out in the middle of the party was the best idea. Insulting the Inquisition and him. He was familiar with these type. Annoying loud men who wanted you to know they were better. Pathetic. Who was he anyway? Someone of note?

“My dear Marquis, how unkind of you to use such language in my house…to my guests.” She moved with grace and a sharpness that said she was better than you. Farren often wished he could walk like that. Her confidence seemed endless and she stood beside the man she’d frozen. “You know such rudeness is…intolerable.”

“Madame Vivienne, I humbly beg your pardon!”

Holy shit, that was Vivienne de Fer? She was highly imitating, he could feel it from here, she moved like a serpent ready to strike, not someone you’d want to anger. She was beautiful too, in another life Farren might have even lusted after her, these days all that energy was spent on trying not to die.

She made quick work of dealing with the Marquis, she like Sera asked to join the Inquisition, which honestly made no sense. She lived in comfort and safety, why join up with them? Not one to look a gift halla in the mouth he accepted.

“Well, then Lady Vivienne it would be an honor to have you lend your talents to our Inquisition. I would be honored to escort you to Haven.”

“We can leave at daybreak, that should give me more than enough time to ready. Great things are beginning, my dear. I can promise you that. Now follow me and I’ll find you a room for the night.”

The room was huge and covered in more blue and gold drapes. In the center was a large bed, the covers looked like silk. Farren was eager to lay on them, to feel them on his skin. Vivienne left him alone with the smell of flowery perfume and his thoughts. That’s how he found himself alone at sunrise sat on the corner of the bed reading A Slaves Life. He could hear the sound of heels hitting the stone hallway. A light rapping at the door caused him to jump. He stuffed the book back into his bag and opened it. 

“Good morning, I trust you slept well.”

“Nah, I spent the night reading. Are you ready to go?”

“I came to invite you to breakfast before we head out. I’m having some prepare my horse for travel, would you like to join me?”

“That would be wonderful, I haven’t eaten anything besides an apple in at least a day. I can’t imagine that's healthy.”

“My dear, do you not know how to care for yourself? No sleep, not eating, how are you alive?”.

“Parents often don’t sleep or eat, a side effect of having children, or in my case a child. I'm honestly used to only sleeping about 20 hours a week.”

“You have a child? Are they alright, with everything that’s going on you must be worried.”

Farren followed her down the hallway in silence, of course, he was worried, and now he could feel that worry mixing with everything else. He could feel the panic and fear grip his throat, he wished he’d never spoken. He’d gotten worse since having Ghila. The panic set in faster. It claimed him so fully. Made it almost impossible to breathe. He took a second and just remembered his family was there. Far from the blast, the demons. They were probably safe. After a few deep breaths, he walked on.

“I am worried yes. She’s my whole reason for fighting so hard. I don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“Well come then. Let's eat and be off so we can end all this sooner.”

They ate in a comfortable silence, he’d chosen something easy to keep down, a nice bowl of plain porridge and some apples for the road. Vivienne was having some potato bread and eggs. Once they finished that set out for Haven. Traveling with Vivienne was nice, it was like traveling alone in a way. She rarely talked, in fact after 4 days of travel she might have only said a dozen things to him. 

He could see Haven’s gate in the distance and almost raced off, almost being the keyword. He did have some impulse control and held back. The sun lit the gate making the metal on the wooden door sparkle, it was calling for him. “I welcome you to Haven Lady Vivienne,” he said after pushing open the gate. 

He walked around to help her down only to find her already on the ground. “Thank you, my dear, now if you could point me towards where I’ll be staying.”

“Big stone building up top. I gotta go check on someone but I’ll be by later to see you.” With that, he raced off towards Varric.

He spotted him in his usual spot. Standing in the snow talking to someone, a woman with a sad expression and soft brown eyes. Farren approached once she left not wanting to interrupt.

“Busy”, he clearly wasn’t but it was polite to ask.

“Nah, your back that's good, do you need something?”

“I wanted to thank you for the book, it means a lot, I can’t believe you got it for me.”

“I had a copy I wasn’t reading I just got sent here, not my kinda book anyway. By the way, Sera wanted to talk to you she’s in the tavern.”

“Thanks, Varric, I mean it thanks, you if you ever need anything just let me know.”

Farren stopped by and talked with Sera, checking in and making sure she was okay. It was honestly more pleasant then he thought a conversation with her would be. She did take the time to make a few jokes but was rather nice and funny. She was like a little sister he wanted when he was younger. He decided to check in on Vivienne after that. Which went less than ideal.

Vivienne was a strong-willed woman who didn’t back down, that in and of itself was worthy of his respect, but that was it. He respected her, but couldn’t say he liked her at all. She saw the worst in the mages, and understood so little of dalish magic, she acted like the only way for mages to be safe was lock them away. That wasn’t true, though, mages could be safe out in the world, the people just needed to learn not to fear them, and sure that would be a process, but one that needed to be done. Couldn’t she see that the mages deserved to choose for themselves? 

Still, he finished checking on her and grabbed some lunch. He needed to reply to these letters from his clan and study some the texts Leliana had procured for him. The day seemed to stretch onwards, drawing out what already felt like a long day, into an eternity of boredom, Farren longed to rest, but he had to make up for lost time, as the moon rose high in the sky he finally put everything away. They had to head out to the Storm Coast in the morning, that was going to be hard enough, doing that with no sleep? That didn’t sound like something he should be doing.

Sleep, however, came in fits, like always he woke up every hour on the hour, at one point he wasn’t breathing. Stopping he tucked his legs against his chest, this happened sometimes when he panicked or had nightmares, something he’d grown used to. Sunrise proved a useful distraction from his attempts at sleep, Farren packed and washed up, before heading toward the chantry for breakfast. It was a while before everyone woke. Sera was the last to arrive and still looked half asleep. He had the sudden urge to wrap her in a blanket and kiss her forehead. He blamed it on being so far away from Ghila. He’d gotten used to having her to force all these feelings on. With no one there he picked the youngest person.

They loaded up the mounts and headed toward the imperial highway, fastest way to get to the coast. When they arrived they were greeted by scout Harding, she told them about some other scouts who’d gone missing. Farren would look into that right after they met this man, this Iron Bull, with a name like that Farren could only imagine what he looked like, he pictured a lot of scars. Nothing could have prepared him for laying eyes on the man. 

When Farren first saw him he’s, awestruck? No, that sounded better but it’s a lie. He was horny. Desperate for a taste. Watching that mass of gray muscles ripple under the rainfall, that would leave anyone aching, right? The man stood at roughly 7 feet tall, with a body like a great oak, that Farren longed to climb. He took particular note of the man's ass, it looked thick, well toned for years of fighting. He looked like the cover of any number of tawdry romance novels. Fucking hell. He couldn’t help wondering how a man so powerful would sound as he got rimmed. Truly and beautiful wrecked. Dammit! This wasn’t helpful. He was surrounded by danger! What the fuck was he thinking about this now for? Focus.

Still, that was harder than it sounded, Farren's eyes kept wandering over to the man. This wasn’t like him at all. Normally he had a little more self-preservation. Though it had been about 3 years since he’d last had sex. He needed a new outlet. He brought his staff down in a powerful crack of thunder. Lightning striking all around him. The smell of sizzling flesh filled the air around him. That came to a quick end though as the last of the Venatori fell. Then Farren couldn’t help himself again, he watched the large qunari walk over, the blood that lingered on him washed off in the rain, he longed to chase those drops off with his tongue, taste the salt of…nope, he wasn’t doing this. This man could be an ally, he wasn’t about to fuck it up with his dick. No, he would be professional, for fucks sake why was this so hard? Because he was hard, thus no blood in his damn head.

“Charger, stand down! Krem! How’d we do?”, holy hot damn that voice, why, why was this happening to him.

Farren tried to focus on what he was saying, but he just couldn’t, that voice, by the gods why, please someone have mercy on him. The Iron Bull turned to him and spoke, Farren thankfully kept his cool. He was surprised to see how the man interacted with his men, he seemed kind, not at all how he looked. And here it came the offer to join up which he’d been expecting, he had to admit he was gonna say yes despite the costs. If he was gonna do this he deserved some eye candy, some dangerous eye candy, that could crush him…nope.

“Your people seem well trained. I have no idea why you’d want to join us though. Not the most lucrative job you could take. Or the safest.”

“If I wanted safety I’d be a palace guard. I enjoy a good fight. Demon, dragons. Bigger the better.”

“I’ve never met someone so eager to die. Who races off to fight dragons? Still, you seem mostly sane and clearly capable.”

Iron Bull laughed and Farren couldn’t help but smile. The smile faded when Iron Bull continued to speak, the catch, there was always a catch. He was a spy, dammit! He seemed honest for a spy, weren’t spies suppose to be sneaky? Not let you know you were being spied on? When Farren asked him the Iron Bull was honest again, then he made a fucking quip about redheads and winked! Wasn’t Farren already suffering enough, yes in fact he was! Still, he accepted Iron Bull’s offer to join.

They made their way along the coast to fight the man who’d killed the scouts, before leaving for the Hinterlands. He still had to meet with this Grey Warden, a man who could hopefully shed some light on the current situation. It took roughly 18 days of travel to get there. Farren was now tired, dirty, and pissed the fuck off. Mostly the latter, walking near the Iron Bull had left him, wanting, which wasn’t helpful during a fight. He needed to take care of himself, get it out of his system. Which wasn’t an option when they were traveling.

They made their way through the Hinterlands, asking anyone they came across about Warden Blackwall. Few people had seen him, less had spoken to the man, but despite that, they were able to track him down. He was stood on the opposite end of the lake, in standard Warden armor. What stuck out was his beard, thick and black, concealing most of his face. He was pacing in front of some men, waving his hand around as he spoke. As they got closer Farren could just make out him explaining to them him out to fight.

“Blackwall? Warden Blackwall?” Farren called out. Now that he was closer he noticed two other things, he was younger then Farren thought he’d be, eye gave it away. Two he walked with a gate that favored his right leg, his left was recently injured.

“You’re not- how do you know my name? Who sent..” He heard an arrow rip through the air, and before he could even cast his barrier Blackwall had blocked it. 

It was a rather quick fight, the men who attacked were outmatched and outnumbered. It was over before it began in a way.Once Blackwall had finished talking to the men he turned to Farren. They spoke for a moment, or rather Farren threw out his accusation, Blackwall, as one might, got angry then calmed down. Then he did something Farren suspected he might, he asked to join, another madman. Clearly, they all had a death wish, why else? Why else would any join the Inquisition? Still, Farren accepted, they could use all the help they could get. Blackwall had the training and skill, he’d be a good asset.

From there it was back to Haven, well first a bear fight, then back to Haven. Fucking bears, why did they always attack right when they were settling into camp? Did they know? This line of thought was madness, he needed to sleep more, also masturbate. Why was hard, he was almost 30, this shouldn’t be happening.

When they finally arrived back at Haven Farren locked himself in his room. He made quick work of responding to the letters from his family, taking great care with Ghila’s. Melana had sent him a report on everything that’d been going on since he left. She was blunt as always, but he trusted her. Knew she could take care of Ghila should anything happen to him. Needless to say, he wrote to her about his new, crush? Lust? He wrote to her about The Iron Bull, in great detail, with some rather descriptive fantasy. 

Hoping to finally take care of himself he settled into bed, with a small pot of grease. Before he could start someone knocked on the door.

“What” he shouted angrily before dressing and opening the door. Standing there was Varric and Solas, an odd sight to say the least. “Anything I can help you two with?”

“Wanna play a game of wicked grace? I convinced chuckles here to play, thought you might want in.”

“Got a fourth in mind?”

“Gonna ask the big guy, Iron Bull, he looks like he’d be fun.”

“Yes! I mean yeah, sure I’ll play, I’m not doing anything.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with the way you’ve been eying him does it?”

“Why Varric are you insinuating I might have less than noble intention with the Iron Bull? I assure you that is false, I merely wish to know him better.”

“You’re a bad liar lethallin, would you like to try again?”

“I’ve never met a qunari before, I just wish to get to know him. Maybe understand his people better.”

They both leveled the same look at him, disbelief, mixed with something akin to amusement. Was he truly that transparent? 

“Maybe I want him to bed me, but that’s not happening, so can we go?”

Nothing more was said as they set up for the game, Varric had gone to get Iron Bull, leaving Farren to explain wicked grace to Solas. He found it odd that someone as old as Solas had never played wicked grace before. Farren walked him through the rules, cards.

“The Knights set is made up of dawn, roses, ages, sacrifice, and wisdom. You got all that?”

“Sounds easy enough, I don’t know why Varric would want to play this with me.”

“The game relies heavily on deception, maybe he thinks you’ve got a good face for keeping secrets.”

“Nah, I just wanted an easy win” the man in question seemingly appeared out of nowhere, the Iron Bull following close behind.

“Solas and I ready to play when you are.”

The game started off like most hands of wicked grace, a lot of shit talking. This was followed up with Varric _destroying_ them all! He’d never lost so quickly, Varric was clearly better then Farren thought. Next hand began slower, Solas and Iron Bull clearly paying more attention. 

“So Lilac, what’s been going on with the kid?”

“I take it I’m Lilac?”

“It suits you, I mean the eyes alone. Also, you remind me of another flower I knew.”

“Your a strange old man Varric. Still Ghila’s fine, well she’s as fine as she can be anyway. Before having a kid I thought parents couldn't wait until their kids got older. Now, I’m dreading the day she doesn’t need me. Being a parent is the worst, she’s growing up, I just want her to stay young. I mean who else can I smother with my affection. I had a nightmare she didn’t need me to sing her to sleep anymore and cried.”

“How does she stand you?”

“She doesn’t know parents aren't supposed to smother their kids with love, she thinks it’s normal. Also, I feed her so… I mean children are like cats. Feed them and they’ll let you annoy them.”

“So who's watching her?”

“My cousin, I’d have left her with my parents but she prefers Melana so…I caved immediately and gave her what she wanted.”

Farren set down and card to draw, nearly jumping with joy at the sight of another song card, that made three (mercy, twilight, autumn) he only needed one more. He could win this!

“So no mother in the picture?” Iron Bull asked his tone was light, but Farren could hear something in it, he was searching for something.

No, of course not, her mother wasn’t around anymore, he’d kicked her out. He’d nearly killed her, threatened to if he ever saw her again. How could he say that, though? There’s no easy way to explain why you hate, vehemently hate, with the burning passion of sun, the mother of your child.

“She’s no longer around, we had a difference we couldn’t reconcile, it was amicable.”

“I’ve never heard of a separation being amicable once children are involved. I mean-” Bull cut himself off slamming down the Angel of Death card. Farren was thankful for the card, he wasn’t in the mood to discuss Vee. “Sorry I was saying, never heard of anyone splitting up and it being amicable.”

“I thought qunari didn’t marry?”

“We don’t, but I don’t just know qunari. So, what happened huh?”

“Long story short, we just didn’t love each other anymore. Sometimes that happens, sometimes that flame burns out. Best for everyone if I raised Ghila.”

“That’s why I don’t write romances, to depressing.”

“I have a story that may lighten the mood.” He was losing so what did he care, might as well share something embarrassing. “When I was 18 I slept with this woman, well she paid me to-”

“You were a whore?” Varric may not have meant it, the way it sounded but Farren still flinched.

“I’d prefer not to be called that, in fact, I think most people would. The term is accurate but the word is negative. I prefer prostitute. Should I continue?” 

“Please do, this'll be great book material.”

Solas nodded at him, the Iron Bull was giving him a look, hopefully not one of disgust, Farren couldn’t really tell, the man's face was hard to read.

“She hired me, said she was a widow, lonely, she seemed nice. Which I got a lot when I was younger, widows and widowers, a lot of people never realize how lonely those people get.Most of them, however, don't want to rush into something new, they just want someone to hold them. Anyway, I get back to her place, we’ve been at it for roughly an hour when BAM! Door swings open, her fucking husbands throws a dagger at me. She yells at him, accusing him of cheating first. They fight, I take all their money and run. I have no idea how they ended up, but that was one of the weirdest night of my life.”

The Iron Bull laughed, it was loud and infectious, and Farren couldn’t stop a small laugh from escaping past his lips. Solas even let out a little chuckle, Varric, however, remained silent.

“That story is amazing, but Angel of Death.”

Another hand over, Varric had one unsurprisingly, the night went on, a few more hands were played, Varric told a few stories himself. After it was over the Iron Bull had offered to walk Farren back to his room.

“You’re a lot nicer than I would have expected from a mercenary/spy.”

“You met a lot of mercenaries/spies? “

“No, you're a first for me, still thank you.”

“I had a selfish reason for doing this. I wanted to talk with you.”

“Oh?” this could be very bad! Did he know about Farren checking him out, was he mad? Oh fuck, dammit, please let this be something minor.

“I wanted to say thank you, for taking a chance on us, me and the guys are gonna be a worthwhile asset.”

“I’m sure you will be.”

As Farren shut the door he couldn’t stop the flutter in his heart, gods forgive him he wanted this man. He longed to be pinned down, forced open, ruined. He couldn’t even enjoy the fantasy his mind was producing, he was too tired after all that. Farren closed his eyes and slipped into a restless sleep. Maybe in the morning, he could talk to The Iron Bull again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was written mostly while listening to DNCE Cake by the Ocean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAzH-YAlFYc


	3. Hit me on my blind side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well...shit. things are clearly going to have to get worse before they get any better.

He’d overslept, but that meant he slept, which was, in fact, a good thing. Last night he got a letter from Melana. It was mostly her mocking him. With a few helpful updates, He’d written in great detail about his work. Meeting new people. Maybe a bit too much on The Iron Bull. Not really his fault though. Those thighs alone needed at least a paragraph. He’d tried to tone it down, but it clearly hadn’t worked. He ached every time he saw the man. He longed to be bent over and ruined. Not that that was going to happen anytime soon. Or at all. Fuck, he was so horny. Why now of all times? Why had the gods cursed him so? What did he do to deserve this? Was this because he stole that apple? Dammit. 

He picked up Melana’s letter and began re-reading it.

 

_Dear Farren,_

 

_First off everyone’s alive, and more or less okay. Well okay more. Your dad sprained his wrist, and your grandmother healed it, but you know your dad. He’s saying it still hurts cause she didn’t do like you do. Those two will bicker about anything. Speaking of which you’re mom and brother got into a bit of a fight. Sarris went hunting and she’d asked him to bring back ironbark. He’d forgot and, well you know. I’m too tired to deal with this shit. Ghila, by the way, is a handful. She hates sleeping alone. Misses you like crazy. Your mother tried to brush her hair and oh the fit she threw. She just wailed like she was dying. That aside she’s good. Eating properly and resting._

 

_Now onto this guy you like or are lusting after. First off, I DON’T NEED TO KNOW HALF OF THIS! WHY DID YOU INCLUDE THAT BIT ABOUT RIDING HIM?! By the gods, I didn’t need to read any of that. Also, you sort of drooled on the paper. At least I hope that’s what that wet spot was. Have you considered just getting the guy to fuck you? Get it out of your system? If you’re worried just remember people use to pay you, this guy will surely want you for free. Now go have fun, it’s been too long._

 

_Also if he hurts you write me back IMMEDIATELY! I don’t care how big this guy is, I will fucking end him. You understand that right? I will so fight this guy for you. By the way, I told Sarris about this letter, he just gave me that look, that one he gives you when he’s disappointed in you. It was funny, now go get laid, you gross old man. Love you!_

 

That was nicer then he thought, Melana was- blunt, harsh, honest to a fault. Her and Sarris were always there for him, especially after everything that happened with Vee. He wasn’t worried about seducing, he thought she’d know that. The Iron Bull, no all his fears about sleeping with the man were because of Vee. He stilled dreamed of her, that long black hair, always up in a bun or pulled back. Those eyes like gold, he skin, bronze, it seemed to glitter in the sunlight. Fuck, she was stunning, and one of the cruelest people in the world. Thinking of her killed his erection, which he was grateful for since he needed to get up. 

The plan for the day involved going to Redcliffe to meet with Fiona and her mages. This could either be a trap, or a genuine offer, either way, it was going to be difficult. What were the odds that this would go smoothly, nothing else had? They desperately needed aide in sealing the breach, this was their best shot at it. He was stressed, he missed being home, in the safety of his clan. Still, there was work to be done, he couldn’t hide away in his room forever, he made quick work of washing up and getting dressed.

He made his way to the chantry deciding to for go breakfast, he wasn’t really in the mood for it anyway. Besides from what he could hear there was already a meeting under way.

“What’d I miss,” he asked as he shoved the door open. Conversation ceded and everyone turned to stare at him. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No, we just thought you might be in bed all day. You hadn’t really slept in days.” Leliana said eyes raking over his clearly exhausted form.

“I’m perfectly fine. Well, sleeping a little longer wouldn’t hurt.” He sighed softly through his nose. Closing his eyes before looking at Leliana again. “I’m beyond tired at this point, but I can sleep when this done. No ones sleeping well this the hole in the sky.”

Leliana nodded before continuing. “Nothing honestly, just more fighting, Cullen is still nervous about approaching the mages, as are the rest of us. But it is, however, the best option.” Leliana made her opinion quiet clear on the matter of mage freedom. He knew she’s much preferred to side with the mages than the Templars.

“The Templars could help us just as easily by suppressing the breach.”

“That runs a risk in and of its self, right? I mean you want me, a mage, to close a giant hole in the sky while templars suppress magic all around me. If even one hits me we have to start completely over.”He really disliked the idea of siding with the Templars. He’d never had his magic suppressed. The very idea sent a cold chill down his spine.

“They could easily focus past you and onto the-”

“This point is moot as we still have no idea where the order even is” Cassandra had cut him off, and moreover she looked pissed, they must’ve been at this awhile. “We need to close the breach and fast. So we can focus on finding who created it and who killed the Divine.”

“It’s just a talk, so why don’t we wait to freak out until _after_ we’ve talked to the mages?” not that Farren had any intention of siding with the templars if it could be avoided. He was, after all, a mage and one who believed in freedom for all his people. Besides from what he’d heard templars weren’t always the best of sorts. Cullen seeming to be an exception. “Listen, if this is, in fact, a trap we can leave and go find the Templars. But we should at least go to see what Fiona and her mages are offering right? They did reach out to us after all.”

That seemed to settle the matter allowing them to finally leave. Farren made a quick detour to this room to pick up some paper. He’d have to write his reply on the road. From there he approached the stables and took note that he actually felt better. It was amazing what sleeping, actually sleeping for more than 3 hours could do for a person.

He spotted The Iron Bull standing there and, by the gods did he look good, unfairly good in fact, like he’d been chiseled out of marble from one of Farren’s older fantasies. This wouldn’t do, this absolutely had to stop, he couldn’t keep leering at the man, he was supposed to be professional, wasn’t he?. So instead Farren did what he did best, he avoided it, climbing on Violet and setting off without so much as a word to anyone. This was becoming a problem, or had it already become one? He couldn’t tell. He was so exhausted and overwhelmed. It wasn’t unreasonable to seek out someone who made him feel safe. That didn’t mean it was right. As Farren found himself lost his thought a sound snapped him out of it. The sound of hooves behind him.

Solas quickly caught up to him. “Is everything alright,” Solas asked, smiling at him with that look in his eyes, that look of amusement.

“Oh fuck off would you,” Farren grumbled under his breath just loud enough for Solas to hear, and laugh at.

“It’s perfectly normal to have those kinds of thoughts Farren, you should know that by now.” And sure was right, but he didn’t have to be so irritating about it.

“Thank you father, I wasn’t aware you’d decided to join me on this shame spiral, nice to see you, how’s mother?”

“I’m fine dear”, Varric called out from somewhere behind Farren, and he could hear the smirk in the man's tone. Gods, they were both laughing at him! This was well and truly embarrassing.

“I don’t need help with this, in fact, this isn’t anything at all, a minor infatuation that should dissipate with time.”

“You just managed to make having a crush sound like some sort of deadly disease,” Varric said having ridden up beside him as well. 

“Can we just drop this? It’s a non-starter, I won’t be sleeping with him, at all. Nor will I be do anything with anyone else, because I am here to close the breach.When I’m done I’m going to go home see Ghila. Then come back and help figure out who killed the Divine. I won’t have time. Nor do I intend to make time.”

“You know everyone else is, don’t you? No one but you seems to care. Sex, encase you didn’t know is great stress relief Lilac.” Varric had ridden up beside him and was now giving him a look. What was with everyone and these looks of pity. Like he knew why Farren wasn’t in the mood for a quick fling. Was he that transparent? Did he wear his hurt on his sleeve? That was enough to make him take off. “Lilac wait up!”

He stayed ahead. Always leading, doing his best to avoid people. His heart ached with an old fear, and he longed to give in. To scream. To break apart. That would have to wait though. For now, he had to stay ahead. Let no one see how much pain swelled in him. He went to sleep before everyone and awoke before them. He avoided getting trapped, questions, and concerns this way. He was safe this way. He didn’t need anyone else. He was a means to an end right? So why did they seem to care so much? Just leave him be. 

He couldn’t help but wonder. Dawn Mahariel had killed the archdemon at 19. Had she felt this overwhelmed? Or had she felt fine? Safe in the knowledge that no matter what someone would end the blight. Even if she failed to do so. Who would fix the world if he flattered? Who would seal the breach? Close the rifts? Save his people? Protect them? There was no else marked as he was. This was what he was meant for. Dirthamen guide him, allow him to keep his secrets close to his heart. If all else failed Dirthamen he prayed, send a Varterral out and save them. Protect them from the ever-encroaching madness.

As Farren lay down in camp he couldn’t shake this feeling of dread. Sleep didn’t come that night, not like Farren sought it out. He was lost in thought when Cassandra told him breakfast was ready. He decided not to talk today either, he didn’t really have much to say anyway. It wasn’t until they reached Redcliffe that Farren spoke again, outside of conversations that took place in his own head, which in his defense were far more interesting then what was being said behind him.

“Is that a rift”, and wow his voice was scratchy, maybe don’t go three days without talking again.

“It appears to be, also it’s nice to have you back.” Solas smiled at him as the hopped off their mounts “It looks a little odd doesn’t it, somehow different than the others?”

“Yeah, and that’s the last thing we need right now, a new kind of rift.” 

His thoughts quickly shifted when the rift opened and slowed down everything around it! By the gods what was this thing doing? The demons, thankfully, seemed to be just as affected by it as they were. This was a cluster fuck. The time spots moved after the rift shot out its second wave of demons, it was hard to avoid them, though Farren was doing his best. This wasn’t a good sign of things to come.

Once it had been dealt with Sera made it clear she wasn’t going with them, not into whatever lied ahead, and no one could blame her. Farren also asked Vivienne to head back with her. Vivienne wouldn’t want to side with the mages anyway, and he doubted she be much of a help once inside. Too keep the peace he asked Cassandra and Blackwall if they’d follow along, and they did, though clearly, Cassandra didn’t want to go. However she was too important to lose, she was running the damn Inquisition, after all, they needed her.

Beyond the gate, they got the news that no one was excepting them, which was just great. They headed to the pub where they were set to meet Fiona.Though things only fell further apart, as she claimed they’d never even spoken, she wasn’t aware of anything that was going on. When things seemed like they couldn’t get much worse, they, in fact, did, by leaps and bounds. A Magister, a fucking slave owning piece of shem garbage! This human, Gereon Alexius, he’d made a deal with the mages, and now they served him, as slaves. The whole mage rebellion was now slaves.

Farren was pissed, no pissed wasn’t a good word for what he was feeling, boiling with rage was better. He couldn’t let that show though, so he smiled and sat down, doing his best to keep himself from a taking a swing at this shemlen. He had to play the mans game, after all, there was far too much at stake. Before they couldn’t truly get started, the man, Felix fell ill, or at least pretend to. He’d managed to slip Farren a note instructing them to meet at the chantry. This had too be a trap, but what choice did he have, they were running out of options without to precede that didn’t include going to the Templars

They walked carefully to the Chantry. Keeping an eye out. Tensions were high. A strange mixture of anger and anxiety. This could be some huge ambush. A trap designed to kill him, kill them all. Suddenly he longed to walk away. Call for more troops. Sadly Alexius had this place on lockdown. They needed to act now or not at all. So the opened the door. Greeted by the sight of a rift and some man, a mage, fighting the demons.

“Good! You ’re finally here! Now help me close this would you?” He spoke like a man who saw the whole chess board. New every move well before he made it. It was a bit infuriating to hear someone speak so surely and calmly when he felt so helpless.

They fought, making quick work of the demons. Once the damn rift was dealt with the man spoke again, in that same condensing tone as before, with a little more awe. He quickly assessed that Farren had no idea how he closed the rifts, which was true if not more irritating.

“Who are you?” The words came out with more bite than Farren had meant for them too, but he was annoyed. How dare this man act so high and mighty after being saved!

“Dorian of House Pavus, most recently of Minrathous. How do you do?”

From behind him, he heard The Iron Bull speak “Watch yourself. The pretty ones are always the worst.” 

Farren took a step back, he’d rather be away from a Magister then near one. They had a tendency to take everything, people included. He really didn’t want to wind up a slave to some annoying magister. The man, Dorian he corrected himself knew Magister Alexius, in fact, he studied under him, which was just- wait was Dorian offering to help? Had Farren lost the plot? What in the god's names was happening here? Was this man even a Magister? “Are you not yourself a Magister?”

“All right. Let’s say this once. I’m a mage from Tevinter, but not a member of the Magisterium. I know southerners use the terms interchangeably, but that only makes you sound like barbarians.” Okay, so not a magister, just a cocky mage from Tevinter, but was that much better? They all owned slaves, all acted like they were the greatest. Clearly Dorian was no different, so why should he be trusted. Still, Farren listened, doing his best to keep an open mind.

It turned out that Felix was sick, and that Dorian had, in fact, sent the note. That didn’t explain why Felix wasn’t here, however. Farren half listened as he walked around the chantry, checking for traps. When Dorian finally explained his purpose for being here. If he was to be believed, the shem Alexius had distorted time all to claim the mages before the Inquisition could, before _he_ could.

Solas and Farren clearly had the same thought in mind. It was fascinating, if true. Magic that could not only play within the river of time but change its flow? Nothing like that had even been heard of before. No one had ever even come close. At least not to his knowledge. Before they could get too into details Felix showed up. Bringing with him more good news, not only was this not about the mages, in fact, it wasn’t even about the Inquisition. This was about him, most likely because of the mark on his hand. Oh, and there was a cult involved, one that called themselves the Venatori. So to hide his panic Farren did what he did best, made a joke.

“Truly? Alexius went through all this trouble for little old me? I should have gotten him something, now I feel bad.”

“Get him a fruit basket. Everyone loves those.” Dorian was quick with his response, and it was an amusing one at that. He then offered a plan, and to help, Not long after he left, Felix the following suit shortly thereafter.

So they too left, Farren was still beyond confused, and now on top of all that he was scared. He couldn’t help but feel the tendrils of panic snaking their way into his chest.This wasn’t good, he couldn’t fall apart here, not surrounded by people, not with there being some cult out there trying to kill him. So he compartmentalized, and suppressed his feelings. Shutting down all emotion until such a time as he could deal with them safely. Away from people. He talked, idle chit chat between himself and Solas, though clearly, he could tell something was wrong with Farren, but said nothing. 

Varric explained what happened when they got back to camp. Answering all question with very little embellishment, but no less flare.

Farren waited until nightfall, till the moon was high overhead, and everyone was asleep before sneaking out of camp. He walked for a bit, pacing along the rivers edge before collapsing. The weight of it all left him feeling heavy and shaky. He couldn’t only it in any longer. So he glanced around quickly before succumbing to tears. They slipped hot down his cheeks as he cried out. It all felt like too much. The fear, anger, loneliness. It was all consuming. He missed Ghila desperately. He missed his parents, his brother, his whole family. The clan was all he knew, and here he was. So far away. Unsure if they were okay. It hurt.

“Are you all right?” A deep voice echoed in the still night air. The Iron Bull. Shit, fucking hell. He hadn’t meant to be caught like this.

“Yes, perfectly fine, all is well go back to bed, we have a long ride back ahead of us.”

“You're a bad liar.” He said taking a seat by Farren and putting a hand on his back. “Listen, it’s okay that your overwhelmed, anyone would be. Not every day you find out a cult is targeting you. No one’s gonna judge you for being afraid.”

“I’m judging me.” The words slipped out before Farren could stop them.

“We are often our own worst critics.” The Iron Bull began to move his hand up and down, rubbing his back slowly, soothingly, and Farren began to relax. “You’re gonna be alright, sure this isn’t gonna be easy, but you’ve got good people helping you.”

Farren took a deep breath before flopping over onto his side. “Bull, do you think that when this is all over we’ll have a party? One with tiny little cakes?”

“Maybe, if it were up too me, hell yes.” Bull’s response was warm, he sounded warm, soft, safe. Farren found himself relaxing even further. “It’s alright, you’re allowed to take a deep breath and let go.

Farren could feel his eyelids getting heavy, the call of sleep was potent, he began to drift into that blissful state of not asleep and not quite awake. “I hope we can stay friends when this is over” He hadn’t meant to say that, he had no idea why he said it, but before he could get too deep into berating himself he fell asleep. 

He’d awoken in his tent, the sun was just starting to rise, clearly he’d slept some. Odd since he had no memory of climbing into his tent and laying down, had Bull carried him? Oh no, he’d cried in front of The Iron Bull, he couldn’t do that. The man must think so little of him already. Wasn’t it bad enough that he’d broken down in front of Cassandra, Varric, and Solas. Now he’d gone and cried in front of The Iron Bull. So Farren did what he did when he felt ashamed of himself, he laid in bed, avoiding his problems, praying they’d be gone when he finally moved. Unfortunately, that never worked. When he left his tent The Iron Bull was there, looking at him with this mixture of understanding and sympathy. 

“How ya feelin’ Boss?” His voice sounded just as warm as it had last night.’

“Boss? Alright, I guess that’s not the weirdest thing you could have called me.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Bull clearly wasn’t going to let this go. “If you don’t wanna talk about last night that’s fine, you just look like you needed to.”

“I’m…not sure how to talk about my feelings.” Farren sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it feels like if I even so much as breathe at the wrong time the world will end. It’s a lot of pressure.”

“That’s not unreasonable way to feel with everything going on.”

“Yeah, part of me knows that, part of me even understands that this feeling will pass. It’s just hard when I’m feeling it ya know?”

“Yeah I know, and if you ever need to talk, I’m here and I’m not gonna judge you for it.”

“I just don’t know how to talk about all this. It’s easier just to ignore it.” Farren sighed heavily eyes shifting skyward. “I know how to tamp it down and ignore it.”

“Until it boils over you mean? I get that. I know it’s the easier option believe me, but it’s not the better one.”

“Alright. Maybe we can talk about this again later. When I’ve had a bit more time to process it. By the way, did I fall sleep outside?”

“You did.” Bull said with a smirk.

“Cool thats fucking fun. I just love sleeping on rocks.”

“I know right, very dalish of you.”

“I hope a squirrel bites your dick,” Farren said as he walked away.

Bull let out another warm laugh, gods those laughs were so beautiful, like the sweetest music he’d ever heard. It made Farren feel better, lighter just too hear them. So they headed back to camp and packed up. They needed to get back and inform the others of what was going on. The ride back wasn’t so bad, actually, it was rather pleasant, Farren spent most of it talking to Bull. He didn’t even notice they’d arrived back at Haven until the gate swung open, and if he were honest he wished the trip had taken longer. 

Cassandra led him into the chantry when they returned. Though once in the war room another fight broke out. Cullen was sure that getting the mages was too much of risk, Cassandra and Leliana felt that not getting them was too much of a risk. Josephine was doing her best to keep everyone calm, but Farren was in no mood. For one thing, the mages were his people, and for the second they didn’t deserve slavery, no one did! They spent two whole days in the war room arguing the best course of action. It didn’t help matters that they’d found the Templars, now they could, in fact, go get them, Farren just didn’t want them. He didn’t trust templars, how could he, they didn’t trust him. 

“Enough! I’m so tired of hearing the same argument over and over again. My mark is what will be used to seal the breach right? So it should be my choice who I want behind me. I’m picking the mages! I’m not leaving them with that man. So figure out a plan, please.” Farren took a deep breath. “I’d prefer my people behind me. I know magic, I’ve lived with it for years. I don’t know shit about Templars. Also, we really should give a magister a powerful mage army. That idea sounds fucking terrible.”

“He’s right we cannot leave all of those mages in the hands of a Magister.”

Now they were getting somewhere. “The letter from Alexius asked for the Herald by name, it’s an obviously a trap.”

“How kind of him to go through all that trouble, what did want?”

“He’s was so complementary we’re certain he wants to kill you.” Which makes sense, whatever cult the man was in clearly didn’t approve of him.

Cullen started in again, pointing out flaws in his plan. The fortress is too strong, they didn’t have the man power, blah blah blah. Okay, that was childish Cullen had made a good point, he was just so tired of the man making good points that ruined his ideas. He was also right that Farren couldn’t risk himself, he was as of yet the only means to close the breach, and the rifts. Thankfully Leliana had her own argument, but right after she spoke Josephine decided to but in, to yet again state why they couldn’t do. Something about politics, shem things, he truly couldn’t care much less.

“So we have no option, no other way to do this? This can’t it! Come on, we have to think of a way around him, we have to get the mages. There had to be a way in, a way around him.”

“Wait! There is a secret passage in the castle, an escape route for the family. It’s too narrow for our troops but we could send agents through.”

Yes, a solid plan.Then Cullen spoke and decided that no, in fact, that plan was yet again to risky. By the gods, why was the man such a pessimist? Actually, why was Farren being such an optimist right now? He would usually be on Cullen’s side if not for it being that mages. Leliana suggest sending him. He wanted to kill the man anyway, he had no problem distracting him. That seemed to get Cullen to agree, a miracle in an of itself. So they had a plan and-

The door swung open, revealing who else but Dorian Pavus, the man clearly had good timing. “Fortunately, you’ll have help.” 

He could hear someone speaking behind them but he paid it little mind, why was Dorian here? How did he know the right time to burst through that door? The man was truly skilled. “Fashionably late Mr. Pavus.”

Dorian smirked at him, and it made Farren feel a little flustered. “One would do their best to never arrive early, it would be unseemly. Besides your spies would never get in without my help. So if you intend to go after him I’m going to come along.”

“You’re being put in the most danger Lavellan, we can’t in good conscience order you to do this. We can still go after the Templars if you’d rather not take the risk.”

That gave Farren pause, he was risking his life for this, and Ghila’s future for this. If he failed he’d never see his little girl again. Was going after the Templars better? Was it the safe option? No, he had to do this, so he took and deep breath and nodded “Let's go then.”

The whole ride to the castle and the walk up had Farren on edge. He’d brought Solas and Bull as back up (because he knew Solas agreed with him about the mages and Bull looked intimidating. Farren was scared, not like before, because now he had a plan, a way forward. Still, he was scared, he was risking his life for this, and if he died what would happen to the world? No! He couldn’t think like that, he had to think positive, otherwise, this was lost before it even began.

They made their way inside the large castle, and Farren could feel something in the air, something tense and wrong. He set that aside and walked in, careful where he stepped, and how he moved. Doing his best to appear above it all and confident. There was a man who announced them that clearly didn’t want Solas or Bull tagging along with him, but he wasn’t given much of a choice. 

He could see Alexius sitting on the throne, looking like an arrogant bastard.He spoke in that superior tone shemlen had. That way of talking that not only said they were better than you, but better then everyone else too. When Fiona approached he couldn’t help but feel guilt? Something at least akin to guilt over her situation, so he invited her to join in the talks. All that faded however when Alexius re-opened his mouth. He wanted something? This game could go any number of ways. Farren knew odds were not in his favor to win. That would just make victory all the better. He’d destroy this foolish shem. Alexius finally showed his hand. A few to many cards at least and Farren got curious.

“What do you know about this damn thing? What is branded into my hand, and how am I the mistake? What went wrong?”

“That mark belongs to your betters, you wouldn’t even begin to understand it’s purpose.” How high and mighty he seems. It would be a pleasure to erase to smirk off his face.

Felix approaches his father, it seems he still believes he can talk him down. Farren, however, doesn’t see the good in this man, he doesn’t see anything he doesn’t want to kill. He’s saved slamming a bolt of lighting into him by Dorian making his entrance. 

“He sounds exactly like the sort of villainous cliche everyone expects us to be.”

Alexius seems to shift, he seems to grow sharper, more on edge. Clearly seeing his former student has thrown him a bit off balance. Which stacks the odds more in Farren’s favor. Though the man continues on his little rant, about his little elder one, and Farren is growing bored. 

“Yes, yes blah blah blah, your cult is so great, clearly better then everyone else. Listen this is boring, I’m bored, can we speed this up a bit? Let's say to the part where I win and go home.”

“Such talk for a simple elf whose about to meet his end.”

“Oh dear, I’m afraid you have me confused with one of your slaves. Allow me to educate you.” Farren grabbed his staff from behind him, swinging it around and slamming the bladed end onto the ground. “You’ve lost. Learn your place shem, and respect _your_ betters.” Farren was scared, more scared then he’d been a long while. He refused to let it show though, refused to give in. He’d win this fight, win this war. He’d make the world a little safer for his baby. Even, no especially if that meant fighting assholes like this.

Alexius, however, kept talking, and it was starting to fray at his nerves, that was until the man foolishly relieved his whole hand. He was doing this for his son, and Farren could no longer hate him. By the god he’s sure he’d do worse for Ghila. A parents love is selfish, they want their child to out live them. Because the pain of them dying first, it would surely be too much to bare. No, Farren understood now, and it took some of the joy out of this victory. 

The agents came in and slit throats, killing quickly and efficiently, Leliana clearly chose them well. Out of the corner of his eye, he even saw a man just snap someone's neck.

“Your men are dead Alexis, you’ve lost, at least do it gracefully.”

“You are a mistake! You should have never existed.” The panic in his voice was clear. He raised his hand and with it a necklace that was heavy with magic. Before he could, however, do anything Dorian flung a wave of magic at it. Everything went hazy and a portal opened, before Farren could so much as scream it pulled him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've slipt this chapter in two because it didn't flow right. I hope you enjoy it more now. Also yes everything is going through pretty heavy re-writes.


	4. Bloodstains on His Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes life is just painful

He awoke to everything bathed in a cold darkness. There was water surrounding him. It felt like mere moments had passed, but clearly, something was off. As he rose he could hear two men talking. They sounded desperate, frantic even. They wore odd armor and shouted words that made little sense. Thankfully, however, the fight was over quickly. Clearly, neither was a match for a mage of any skill. The bodies fell into the water with a soft splash, and Dorian seemed to be talking already. All Farren could focus on though was the red lyrium. It made his head hurt just looking at it. It felt like a sharp stab in the back of his head.

“-the rift must have moved us to what? The closest confluence of arcane energy?”

“Dorian, where are we? We were just in the hall, is this the basement?”

“This is definitely the basement.” Dorian gave a long pause, standing and looking around the room. “Oh! Of course! It’s not where we are, it’s when!”

“What?! Are you saying we’ve traveled through time?”

“Yes, see Alexius used the amulet as a focus. It moved us through time!”

“Two question then, did we go forward in time or back? And how far?”

“Good questions. We’ll have to find out, won’t we? We should look around, see where the rift took us. Then we can figure out how to get back…if we can.”  
.  
No, this couldn’t be happening. What about Ghila? He was already forced apart from her by days worth of travel. Now seemingly years worth of time as well. Why? He could feel himself slipping into a panic, and that wouldn’t help. Farren fought to regain control over himself, but that was difficult. Fear pooled deep in his stomach and burned at the tips of fingers. His skin prickled with it. Still, he forced himself to breathe deeply, calm down. There was no way to survive and get back if all he did was panic.

“Dorian, what was he trying to do?”

“Alexius? He was most likely trying to remove your from time itself, then you couldn’t ruin what happened at the temple. However, he got reckless because of your little surprise in the castle, opened the portal before he was ready, I countered it. Dorian paused eyes locking with Farren’s. “You’re worried, well don’t be, I’m here. I’ll protect you.” Dorian smiled and lay his hand softly on Farren’s shoulder. 

Dorian clearly knew a bit about this. He was thankful he hadn’t been sent back alone, or he’d have never made it.

“Do you think anyone else came through with us?” Farren wished he might see Bull, the qunari had been helping his anxiety, and he could use that right now.

“No, I doubt that or we’d have seen them by now. They’re probably still were, and when, we left them. In some sense, anyway.”

Farren sighed and prayed, he’d need the strength of the gods if he was going to get through this. “Do you have a plan?”

“I have some thoughts, they’re lovely thoughts, like little jewels.” Dorian was also clearly nervous, his attempt at humor to cover it wasn’t helping. Dorian walked over and shook the gate. “It’s locked, see if you can find a key.”

Farren dug around in the pockets of the dead guards, thankfully it hadn’t fallen out and into the water. They opened the gate and made their way up the stairs into a room that had water pouring through the ceiling. In a cell, glowing red was Lysas the poor young elven mage. For the love of the gods what had happened to him. Farren tried to ask but he just kept singing. 

It was hard to move on from that horror. Still, they had no choice. Heading up another set of stairs on a platform held up by chains. They fought another round of guards, before making their way north down some stairs. Opening a door on the right lead them too.A nightmare. Truly, just a horrible nightmare. The Iron Bull was trapped in a cell. Voice echoing hollow off the stone walls. Cell full of red lyrium.

“300 bottles of beer on the wall, 300 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around…” He trailed off with a disgusted noise. When they approached he turned around and looked, incredibly shocked. “You’re not dead? You're supposed to be dead. There was this burn on the ground and everything.”

Farren let Dorian explain, it was easier that way. Little of the time travel magic made sense to him. Though clearly it also made little sense to Bull. Dorian opened the cage with a click and Bull stepped out. 

“You alright?” The words were out of this mouth before he could stop them, and he was well aware of how idiotic they sounded.

“It’s the red lyrium. If I’m lucky, it’ll kill me. If not…I’m hoping I die fighting.” 

“You’re dying?” No, what a cruel way for so many to go. It looked monstrous. The lyrium killing any hope in them. As it killed them. 

“Not if we find Alexius, and we go back. Then none of this will happen. Remember?”

“Not him you gotta worry about, it’s this elder one. He killed the Empress of Orlais, launched an invasion into the south. The army was all demons. You ever fought a demon army? Don’t recommend it.”

Farren couldn’t think, he had no idea what too say. “Fuck…that’s…..yeah.”

Bull chuckled, though it sounded distorted by the red lyrium. “I know, right?”

They left the cells heading down the next flight of stairs and through a door on the right. Sitting in a cell was Solas, and even knowing what was awaiting him, it still hurt too see his friend like this. He’d failed them. 

Solas was just as shocked as Bull. “You’re alive? We saw you die!” And again Dorian explained the situation. Solas, unlike Bull, still had hope, he seemed to think they could do this. He then informed them that he overheard the guards saying that Alexius never leaves the throne room anymore. Which was helpful, still they had too keep searching, see if anyone else was here. Before they left. 

Solas pulled him back, out of earshot of the others. “Farren, I would not tell you this if I did not think you needed to know, your clan. Da’len they were killed, everyone is dead. Including your daughter.”

“What? How do you know? How do you know she’s dead?” He felt sick, he couldn’t stop the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. A wave of dizziness swept over him. A cold chill burned it’s way up his spine.

“A few months back I overheard some talk amongst the guards. Farren, I will save you the details but you must succeed, if not for us then for her, because this future isn’t for her, she won’t make it. I am so sorry my friend”

So Ghila was dead, she’d died alone, without him there to protect her. Fuck, he could no longer hold back. He ran into a cell the threw up, his whole body shook with it. He pulled the water skin he kept on him out and cleaned his mouth. Compartmentalize and suppress, compartmentalize and suppress, he could do this, he could pretend nothing was wrong, just breathe. He steeled himself as best he could. Fought back each feeling as it came to him. Go forward, he told himself, for there is no longer a way back.

They made their way to Fiona and found out that they were in fact only a year in the future. She also told them that Leliana was alive, but seeing her made him question how much of her truly was. He saw Connor, the poor boy, burned himself alive to avoided being possessed again. Still, they went onward, past the demons, the men fighting. They fought their way through, and when the time came he saw Alexius, watched as the man fell in front of his son's corpse. The battle felt over too soon, Farren longed to draw out his suffering, lay waste to senses. To leave him as broken as Farren was sure he’d feel when this was over. Solas and Bull left to hold off the demons as Dorian tired to open a portal back. He could see Solas body, hear Leliana praying, the arrows flying. Nothing felt real, it was all a haze. 

When they returned Farren could hear himself talk, but nothing quite reached. It all rang hollow. Words he knew needed to be said. Deeds that needed to be done. He enlisted the mages, led them away from Queen Anora. The reaction was mixed, but he hardly cared. This is what needed to be done. So he did it. He’d drag them to safety with his own two hands. Then he’d go home. He’d hold her. _If she’s even there? Dead? Alive?_ Farren shook his head angrily trying to erase the thoughts.

They made it back to Haven in record time. Which was met with some glares, of course, people weren’t happy about the mages. Cullen wasn’t either but it seemed he made peace. He gave Josephine the name of a lyrium supplier the clan used when they needed to, which was rare. Dorian then came in slinking from the shadows, and they traded quips. Nothing felt right though, nothing felt real still, and he could still hear himself talk, but not feel any of it. It was such a horrible feeling. Hearing himself with no tie to his own words. It all rang cold and hollow. Like him. Lifeless and without meaning.

When he finally found himself alone everything hit the pain, the fear, the guilt. It slammed into him knocking him down, taking his breath away. Leaving him curled up on the floor gasping for breath. Everything that happened hit, like a battering ram to his heart.

It broke him.

He laid there for seconds, hours maybe, time became irrelevant. He cried so hard that no sound came out. Had she suffered? Had they tortured her? Turned her into an abomination? Was it painless? Did she call out for him? Did she wonder why her daddy wasn’t there to save her? He didn’t deserve to live. Not in a world where he failed her. He should die. Just end it. He was pointless! His only reason for living was her. Why bother any more? If he was doomed to live on without her then why go on at all. Let the world burn!

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t do this. He was wrong, he couldn’t do this, he had to leave, go home, be with her, keep her safe, he had to-

Someone knocked, “Boss, you okay in there? We’re all worried about you, you haven’t been yourself since that time travel business.”

Farren stumbled to the door and opened it. Bull eyed him carefully before coming inside and sitting down on the edge bed. Farren sat on the floor beside him. Bull gave him some unreadable look before moving to the floor beside him.

“My daughter died”, he whispered into the air. Almost choking on the words as they left him.

More silence, not that words would help anything right now. No there were no words for this.

“Do you wanna grab a drink?”

“I don’t drink.”

More silence, great, he could have had this alone, and right now that’s what he wanted, to be alone. To sit with his failures.

“What’s she like? Your daughter, is she like you?”

“She’s shy, she has the most beautiful curly black hair, and eyes a much darker shade of lilac. Her smile Bull, it lights up rooms. It makes the sun look like a mere star. Bull, she’s so smart and so creative, I know all parents say that but it’s true.” He could feel the pain in his chest lessen and that made him pause. “She’s my whole world, and she’s so sweet, she cries when she steps on bugs. She liked snuggles, in fact, she won’t sleep without two goodnight hugs.”

“Sounds like an amazing girl.”

“I failed her.”

“No you didn’t, you were sent through time to some shit future that shouldn’t have even happened. You didn’t do anything.”

“No, I didn’t, and isn’t that the point? My lack of action failed her.”

“She’s alive, and you’re gonna make sure she stays that way.”

“Did she suffer?”

Bull seemed caught off guard by that. “When they…got too her in that future you saw?”

“Did she call out for me? How badly was she hurt before death? Was it swift? Did they punish her, sins of the father and all that? Was she beaten? Broken? Did she die thinking I’d abandoned her? That I didn’t love her? That I was dead? Did she hate me for it? Did she know Bull?” He could hear the panic in his voice, the pain coating each word, filling his chest. “Did she know even in those last moments that I loved her more then life its self.” Bull was silent yet again and Farren began to sob. The hand on his back wasn’t helping.

“Boss listen to me, you can’t do this too yourself. You’ll never know and it never happened. What that was, all it was, is now just nightmare. No matter how real it felt, no matter how real it was, it isn’t anymore. Just a nightmare. She’s alive, hold onto that.”

“How?” By the gods he was so broken, he was so lost, he needed someone to tell him what to do, take control, he couldn’t anymore.

“Tell me about her last birthday, focus on the memories, the real things, focus on reality.”

“I made her a cake that almost burned because I got distracted. She was telling me this story and I just lost track of time. Then when it came time to eat breakfast she ate to fast again and made herself sick. She’s so full of energy, but so quiet around other people. Bounces off the walls when we're alone though. Wild imagination. Poor aim. Wish she could throw up in the bucket and not on me next time.” That earned him a chuckle, okay he could do this, something else, focus.”She like watermelon and jerky, she hates the rain, doesn’t like how it gets in her eyes. She likes to sleep in my bed, she won’t sleep in her bed. To be honest I’ve stopped trying to make her. She sings these little made up songs. I miss her every day I’m away from her.”

Bull just sat there and listened, and he talked, it helped. He couldn’t recall at what point he fell asleep, but he awoke with a gasp, he wasn’t breathing, he calmed himself and was finally able to. This wasn’t the first time he’d woken up like that, it happened after nightmares, and this one he thankful he didn’t remember. 

He spent the next few nights talking with Bull, trying to get his head on straight. He could, unfortunately, recall the nightmares now, or rather the nightmare. It was the same every night, Ghila blaming him for her death, saying she hated him. He told only Bull, telling anyone else felt too much like admitting he wasn’t quite keeping his head above water anymore. Ghila wrote to him, which helped. She’d even drawn him a little picture of the two of them swimming.

The days turned into weeks and he was doing a little better, maybe, by the gods, it was hard to tell, he was tired. He’d been avoiding sleep when he could, he was pretending every second he was around other people that he was fine, and it was starting to wear on him. Farren knew he couldn’t this up, especially considering that he was going to be sealing the breach soon. They hadn’t left Haven since he’d returned. Too many problems around there to deal with. Mages, noble, his own people. The looks like he was so unflappable god. It was unsettling.

He was lying still on his bed trying to sleep, but that wasn’t gonna happen tonight. Next week he’d seal the breach, Josephine told him he could return home after that for a little, it’d be good to see Ghila. He sketched her face often his journal. Trying to remind himself of happier times. Still, he felt the weight of it. With time and the talks he’d been having with Bull, it lessened somewhat.

“Yo Boss, come out here you gotta see this!”

Farren grumbled under his breath as he swung the door open, outside the stars were shining and, oh a shooting star! He’d always loved seeing these as a child. He closed his eyes and made a wish, a wish for Ghila to stay safe. “Thank you, Bull.”

“This was nothing, I knew you liked this kinda stuff anyway. Want some company?”

“I could use it if it’s not an imposition.”

Bull took to sitting beside him on the bed. There was no great need to rush into conversation. Instead, they just sat there. Relaxed and at peace with one another.

“Solas is worried about you. He’s been asking me why you won’t talk to him, why you can’t look him in the eye.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Not my story to tell.”

“Should I tell him?” Gods he was needy, shouldn’t he be making his own decisions? It was pathetic that he was like this. He berated himself endlessly until Bull laid a hand on his shoulder. 

Lilac eyes met with steel green, and Farren too a deep breath. “It’s your decisions, but if you want my opinion? Yeah, you should, it might help you.”

“I know that I know in my head it’s not his fault, that he didn’t even tell me. It was his future self, and he only did it to make sure I understood that I couldn’t fail, but I already knew that.So telling me feels cruel. Like some slight against me. A move he made to wound me forever.”

“I’m sorry he told you, I’m sorry you gotta live with that in your head.”

“Bull? Do you think this is something I can get past?”

“I don’t know, I don’t have kids.”

The silence returned, and before Farren knew it he’d fallen asleep, and yet again the nightmare came. This time though he was awoken before it got to the worst of it. Bull didn’t say anything he just gave him a sad smile. “Stay”, Farren asked. He felt so selfish, but having Bull around made him sleep better. He was thankful when Bull rolled out a sleeping bag and laid down the floor. Farren fell back asleep to the sound of soft breathing and crickets.

When he awoke Bull was gone but he’d left a note, nothing long just a simple explanation of where he was. Farren cleaned up, ate and decided today was the day he’d tell Solas. That was easier said than done, though.

Solas was alone and watching the sky, and though Farren knew he wasn’t the same man as the future version it still hurt. He just couldn’t do it, as he turned around through a voice called out to him.

“So you are avoiding me Lethallin, are you at least going to tell me why?”

He couldn’t handle this, his first instinct was to run. “You were in the future with me.”

“So you said, did I hurt you in the future.”

The bitter laugh that came out of Farren’s mouth barely sounded like him. “Worse then anyone else has in my whole life.”

“Oh…”, it appeared Solas was at a loss for words.

“You told me Ghila died, told me you’d overheard it. You wanted me to understand how much relied on me succeeding.”

“Ir abelas. Oh, Farren, Ir abelas, I am truly sorry.”

He couldn’t stop himself from turning around and hugging Solas, pulling him as close as he could. Solas wrapped his arms just as tight around Farren, and they just stood there. “Ma melava halani, Solas”

“Did I? Or did I just make it harder on you?”

“You pushed me, I needed to know Solas, I needed to know…”

They talked for a while before Farren had to go the warm room, to yet again go over the plan to seal the breach for the 700th time. 

The next few days passed in a haze of work, when finally it came time to seal the breach Farren was nervous. He hadn’t been sleeping really, not with what had happened. Though after this he could go home, go see Ghila, and tomorrow he’d be 30. A lot was happening for him. He decided to nap before it was time, trying to seal the breach with no sleep wouldn’t be good for him. In fact, it might kill him.

When the time came the mages stood behind him and Solas rallied them. Closing the breach was a fight, it hurt, his mark ached, he ached. That didn’t stop him though, if anything it pissed him off more, made him fight harder to close it. Suddenly it closed! By the gods, he’d done it! Sure he felt weak but he’d done it. Cassandra and Solas helped him back. They returned to a party, everyone was singing and dancing. In a few hours it’d be his birthday, and at sunrise he’d head out to see his clan, to see Ghila. Today was a good day. A blessed day. Best birthday present he’d ever gotten. 

That was until the party was interrupted by some fucking army marching right at them. If Farren was more pious he’d believe he’d angered a god. Though it just seemed his shit luck. Everything falls into places and some asshole with some unmarked army came marching in. He hoped to end this quickly. 

Outside the gate, a voice spoke, “I can’t come in unless you open!”

A man walked toward them wielding a large axe, but before Farren could even draw his weapon the man fell. Standing behind him was a man? Boy? A human, pale, with a large hat and a pair of daggers. 

“I’m Cole. I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you. You probably already knew that.” He moved closer as he spoke and Farren could better see his face. He was young 18 maybe 20. 

“Cole, can you tell me what’s going on?” He spoke the way one might when dealing with an easily startled animal.

“The Templars come to kill you.” Really? Oh, fuck this! He’d had enough. Apparently so had Cullen.

“Templars? Is this the order’s response to our talk with the mages? Attacking blindly?”

Cole continued to talk, but Farren was in no mood to listen. Still when he heard it was the Elder One. He couldn’t keep the cold smirk off his face, finally, he’d kill him. The man responsible for the death of his daughter in the future. The man was angry he’d taken the mages. Good. He’d be taking his life as well.

Cullen knew one of the men, but he had no idea who the deformed man was. He looked ill and was wearing odd armor. Still, he’d fall, Farren would make sure of it, he’d fall hard.

“Cullen do we have a plan?!”

“This isn’t a fortress, if we are to have a chance at withstanding that monster, we must control the fight. You need to get out there and hit that army. Use everything we have.” Then Cullen did was a true leader always did, he rallied his troops.

The fight consisted of them killing anything that got to close to the trebuchet. Which was annoying considering how much Farren wanted to go kill that Elder One. Still watching that avalanche was pretty satisfying.That was before a fucking dragon swooped down. Which, no Farren wasn’t dealing with. 

They ran back as fast they could.Cullen informed that they were fucked, well and truly fucked. The only building that could possibly hold against the dragon was the chantry. So Farren gathered everyone up, going so far as to run into two burning buildings. It wasn’t enough though. 

Cole informed them that Haven wasn’t even the target, he was. The dragon, which had cut a path for the army, and might be an archdemon, and they had no way to win this fight. 

“If I give myself over would he spare them?”

“No, he wants to kill you, but he’ll kill the rest too. They don’t matter but he’ll squash them anyway.”

Ahh…well then…he had no plan. Cullen’s plan was-suicide. Thankfully Roderick, who’d up until now had been fighting him, saved them. He could lead them all out, that is if Farren could by them time.

This was it for him, wasn’t it? Still, it was nice to have friends beside him. This fight, this distraction, he made sure he did it right, kept all eyes on him for as long as he could. When it finally came and he’s finished aiming the trebuchet he was prepared to send them all way. Make sure they lived on even if he couldn’t. However, that was interrupted by the gods' damned dragon! It shot out a burst of some red magic, and everything burned.

Out of the fire stepped that thing, that man, The Elder One. Farren stood, filled with a blinding rage, the urge to kill consuming him. Behind him the dragon swooped, stomping its way towards its master.

The Elder One spoke like a true shem, all noble and self-righteous, looking down on him. 

“Fuck off you horrid monster! If you think I’m going to stand here and listen to you prattle on..”

“How eager you are to die, think before you speak elf. Know me, know what you could never be. Exalt The Elder One, the will that is Corypheus. You will kneel.”

Like hell he would, no this would end one of two ways, with this Corypheus dead, or with them both dead. Farren watched closely as he pulled out an orb, it glowed the same red as the dragons magic. He continued to speak, he wanted the anchor? The mark! 

With that same damn red magic, he activated it, causing the mark to flare to life. The pain was excruciating. Still, Corypheus spoke, he talked of how Farren stole the mark, how it was meant to bring certainty, how the beyond, the fade was empty. He’d seen the heavens, and it had left him confused for years. Clearly, the man was insane. He then threw Farren against the trebuchet. 

Gods that hurt. Farren lunched forward and grabbed a nearby sword. Corypheus was walking toward him, yet he hadn’t seen the sign. He had to buy time, make sure the others got away. Corypheus made that easy, he just kept talking. He was angry about Farren stealing his mark. Blah blah blah Tevinter, honestly this was getting repetitive, why were vints so annoying. The near endless chatter. His voice scrapping against Farren’s head. Weak foolish monster pretending to be a god. Fine, he was still mortal though. He could still die!

The flare! The bright own light signaling they were far enough away. Finally time for some sweet revenge. “You vints never stop talking, do you? I’ll let you in on a little secret, I was stalling. I’m not here to fight you, idiot, I’m here to save those people. You lose you worthless sack of shit!” He kicked, hard against the lever, watching as it spun and launched the trebuchet. Another avalanche. Farren turned and ran, hearing behind him the roar of the dragon, then the flapping of its wings.

He ran as fast as he could, but it wasn’t fast enough. The snow knocked him into a hole. That was the last thing he saw before darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second part of what use to be chapter 3 I felt it worked better as 2


	5. Your love would tear us apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SKYHOLD YAY also crippling anxiety at being put in charge... it's getting better though...maybe. listen at least he's making friends

He was cold. The ice was everywhere, surrounding him, painting the cavern a beautiful glittering blue. If it was so cold it might even be comforting. Farren ached like he’d just went five rounds with an ogre and lost, badly. He knew he needed to move, get up, get going, but that was easier said than done. His body was tired, he was tired, laying there felt like the better option. He could just lay here forever. Just die. Or he could stand up and move. Go home. See Ghila again, and that would always be the better option. He began to move forward, bracing his hand on the wall and clenching his fists to fight off the pain. Each step was torture, each movement sent a burst of crystal clear pain straight up his spine. He longed to rest, to lay back down, but he couldn’t. He had to keep going, he’d promised. He’d told Ghila right before leaving he’d be back before she knew it. He’d go forward, he’d survive this.

As he rounded the corner Farren heard a noise. Several despair demons had emerged from a rift, and here he was thinking this would be hard, not impossible. He could barely move his body well enough to talk. Forget casting. Forget fighting. He wasn’t even sure he could run away. His hand ached, the mark, anchor, whatever it was, it was different. Whatever that thing did to it changed it. He used it to tear them to shreds with a mere movement. Farren stared at his hand for a moment trying to make sense of it all. Nothing could ever really make sense anymore though. The world was operating on new rules. He was still learning them.

He kept going, far more tired now than he’d ever been. This was made worse by the snow that billowed around him. He was cold and each step sank further and further into it. At one point he had to crawl on his hands and knees. It felt like he wasn’t even moving. If it was for the mountains getting closer he’d never know he’d left the cave. Everything just looked white. He made it to a camp sight but the fire was long since cold. Pushing his odds of survival further down. How much time had even passed? Days? Had everyone left? Getting out of this seemed less and less likely with each movement, moment, he hurt far too much. He couldn’t die, though, he knew that if he did Ghila did too, so he fought it, fought the snow, the cold ache in his bone, fought to keep going.

Finally he heard voices, and someone shouting his name. He felt arms around him, shouting, the warmth of a fire. His eyelids were too heavy now, he could only sleep. He awoke at some point to see Bull beside him changing his bandage, Farren had gotten a nasty looking gash up his arm. It was hard to stay awake however, and no matter how he longed to ask Bull about what happened. He couldn’t seem to fight sleep. It claimed him before he could utter a word.

He woke again but only for a moment, he could hear some beside him praying, singing the chant. He wanted it to stop, it was too loud, but he couldn’t talk. Instead, he fell back asleep. When next he woke it was night, the stars seemed so bright when he woke, and he could hear people talking nearby. Next to him, someone, he did recognize by scent, the smell of elfroot clung to tightly around them. When he turned his head though he caught sight of Mother Giselle. 

“Have they been fighting for long?” Farren asked slowly sitting up and watching the others go at it, it was like the war room all over again.

“Yes, but that’s only because you bought them time to do so. As well, you should be resting Lord Herald.”

The name rubbed him the wrong way, it reminded him of how much of shem culture he was wrapped in, draped in, framed in a fame he didn’t want. He didn’t believe in the Maker or his beloved bride. He didn’t want to be tied to this. Though it seemed the name would out live him. “I should go over there, put a stop to this. Before it grows out of hand, it wouldn’t do to be found just because we couldn’t keep the bickering to a minimum.”

“You should rest, adding your voice to that fire won’t make it simmer down. If anything it’ll make it burn hotter.”

“Mother Giselle as lovely a metaphor as that is I should go help them.”

“Lavellan do you believe in the Maker? That you were placed here by him to save us? You seem skeptical of all of this.”

That was out of nowhere. What was he meant to say to that? “I don’t believe in my gods all the time, why would I believe in yours? Listen I know your job is to lead the faithful. To help them see a light in the darkness. I’m not lost though Mother Giselle. I don’t need saving. I’m just realistic.”

“You no faith then?” Now was not really the time for her to be preaching. It was starting to wear on him, grind into his already frayed nerves.

“I have faith, in army's, people, animals even. I have no faith in shemlen gods who have been used to justify the death of my people in droves.” With that Farren climbed out of bed and walked over, he managed to at least leave the tent before the Revered Mother came over. It seemed there was no escape from her.

From behind him, he heard Mother Giselle begin to sing. Oh joy of joys really. Still whatever she was singing it made the others perk up. Everyone began to singing, even Cullen, which sounded lovelier than one might expect. That was until he was surrounded by shem- humans. They were kneeling in front of him! This was beyond unnerving, he was creeped the fuck out. What was going on, why were they all singing and gazing up at him like that? His first instinct was to run away but he stood still. When it was over Mother Giselle said something about faith, he honestly wasn’t paying attention anymore. He was thankful when Solas came up behind him and asked to speak. Anything to no longer be surrounded by the weight of it all. He wasn’t human he hadn’t grown up with their stories. He didn’t want to. He wanted his own. He didn’t want to be some hero to the human. Didn’t want to be a prophet to their absent god. He barely wanted to be.

Solas was impressed, which was good for him, less good for Farren. It was only after that bit of praise did Farren learn the truth. The orb that had been used to sunder the veil and give him the anchor it was elven. It belonged to his people, his people who had lost so much already. To make it worse it was in the hands of a darkspawn, who might possibly have been a Magister. Seemingly just to add insult to injury. Solas continued on telling him about the orb, all he knew of it was from the fade, however. It was some sort of foci, one that might have been dedicated to a specific elven god. Farren wondered in passing which one that belonged to.

They’d blame the elves if they knew, they’d all blame them and the treatment of elves would get worse. It’d be bloodshed in the streets, a war his people couldn’t fight. He felt helpless again, a feeling he hated more than any other. Thankfully Solas had a plan. It was a rather simple plan, brilliant. Farren would lead them to a fortress Solas knew of. It would make him an even greater hero in their eyes. The journey to said fortress was long. At points, Farren began to wonder if Solas was right. That was until he caught sight of it, and damn if it wasn’t beautiful. A huge castle in the middle of a mountain. It looked like something straight out of an old painting. Farren wished he knew a word to describe it, picturesque maybe, stunning, awe-inspiring. Either way, he’d found it, they’d found it. Skyhold, what a lovely place.

Once inside everyone seemed rather pleased, it needed work, sure, but it was better than Haven. They were far less likely to be surprised here at least. The walls were sturdy and strong, and it had more than enough room for everyone. Cleaning it was an arduous task, one Farren was thankful he didn’t have to participate in. No, since becoming Inquisitor his only jobs had been decided the fate of tons of people and greeting nobles. Clearly much easier. Sarcasm was becoming his only defense against a world that wanted him to lead. Leading a clan was different then leading a bunch of different races against a would be god.

After saying goodbye to yet another orlesian noble he decided he’d earned a break. Farren was after all tired, but sleeping was out of the question, not with the nightmares still haunting him. No, instead he made his way to the tavern. He knew they served tea, maybe he’d get some and a few treats. Oh, maybe some chocolate. Farren slipped passed the drunks laughing and singing to a small table hidden in the shadows. A nice woman came over to take his order. She was older, kind, soft-spoken. She brought his food and tea over. Didn’t make too much small talk. He may be in love.

It was nice to just sit and people watch. Most people were sitting quietly talking amongst one an other. Others were drunk and singing along with the bard. Slurring every other word. In dark corners he saw people staring at their drinks. Looking hopeless. Everyone coped differently. Some seemed to be drinking just so they could sleep that night. Farren saw Dorian nursing an ale at the bar, and wonder which he was. Despite saving his life Farren and Dorian hadn’t talked much. Mostly due to the fact that looking at Dorian reminded him that that horrid future wasn’t a nightmare. Farren watched him sink deeper into his bar stool and try to look as small as possible. He was clearly uncomfortable. So why stay? What was Dorian doing in a place he didn’t wish to be in?

“I don’t know why he’s even in here.” The barmaid from before said in a voice far less kind than she’d been using. “I wish we could just kick him out. I hate that that blood mage is so close to the Inquisitor. No one else wants him here, he should just do everyone a favor and leave, ya know?” Ah, so that was why he clearly wanted to leave but wasn’t. Dorian was too proud to be kicked out of the tavern by people who didn’t like him. Even if he didn’t wanna be there. Not thinking Farren picked up his things and sat down right beside Dorian.

“You startled me Lavellan. You elves are very quiet aren’t you?”

“We tend to be yes.” He said chuckling low under his breath. From here Farren could hear the word being hurtled at Dorian. They were calling him everything from a blood mage to a killer who worked with Corypheus. “You alright?”

“I’m more than fine, takes more than a few insults to get to me.” Dorian sat up, doing his best to look unaffected.

“Mind if I say something to them anyway?” Farren would not do anything Dorian didn’t wish to have done. He understood being too proud to allow other to help.

“If you feel you must. It’s your right as Inquisitor after all.”

Farren listened to the table right behind Dorian. Seven men, drunk men were talking about how evil he must be. He Dorian was clearly a spy, and should be killed before he could do any more damage. One mentioned that the only reason he was here is cause he’d used blood magic to blind everyone to his true nature. Honestly, what did these shemlen know? First off any trained mage can fight off blood magic. Second, Farren stopped himself there. It wasn’t going to help anyone if he just shouted off in his head. Then one asked about him, asked what the knife-ear was doing by the blood mage. It wasn’t until he mentioned that Farren was probably Dorian’s slave that Farren snapped.

“Lord Inquisitor”, Farren said turning around to look at them all. They clearly had no idea what he was talking about, lost in their drunken haze. “Not knife-ear. The name is Lord Inquisitor Farren Lavellan. As in your fucking boss, the guy that decides whether or not you spend the rest of your days in the gods damned Fallow Mire.” They were now clearly paying attention, then again so was everyone else in the bar. “You owe Lord Dorian Pavus Arcane adviser to the Inquisition, the Inquisition you serve, by the way, an apology. Because let me assure you he’s one of the only reason, nay the only reason I’m here right now, and that you aren’t all dead. Also even and most especially if he was a blood mage why would you criticize him like that. He could make you some mindless husk. Are you truly that dumb? Never just apologize.”

They looked amongst each other unsure of what was going on.

“I didn’t fucking stutter?” Farren shouted eyes narrowing, he hadn’t done this in some time, not since he was younger and much more brash. Bar fights were for people in their early 20s, not a man who just turned 30. Still, not a bad way to blow off steam. They all began to apologize in a rush, it was amusing. Dorian also agreed if his laughter was anything to go by. The men then decided to leave after they were done. Once they’d left the tavern seemed to go back to its ever-present state of just shy of too loud. Farren turned around with a pleased grin, he wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do, but it was incredibly fun.

“Thank you, Farren.’

“Are we on a first name basis, Lord Pavus?” 

“I feel as though we should be,” Dorian said before he rolled his eyes, downing the rest of whatever was in his tankard. “What bring you in here? I can’t understand the appeal of drinking tea in a tavern. Though if it’s better then what they’re calling ale I might.”

“People watching mostly,” Farren commented as his eyes trailed around the room.

“So you came in here to drink tea and judge people?”

“Dorian you just described my entire life.” He spotted Cabot emerging from the back and motioned to him. “Get this man a refill, please. It’s been a long day.”

After Cabot had finished filling up his tankard Dorian grinned. “I honestly thought you didn’t like me.”

“I like you, I’ve just been having a hard time since we got back from the future…back to the past. Never mind.”

“I can’t imagine it’s gotten easier since all this happened.”

Farren glanced down at his mostly empty cup of tea. “Why are you here anyway Dorian, what do you gain from this?”

“Who says I stand to gain anything?”

“Everyone wants something, Bull wants his reports, Vivienne wants a hand in shaping the world, Sera wants things to return to normal. What is it you want from this?”

“Honestly? I have no clue, I left Tevinter and this seemed as good a place as any. I can do something here, make up for past mistakes.”

The silence between them now felt heavy, and Farren wondered why he even opened his mouth. “So what’s Tevinter like anyway?”

“Beautiful, everything there is old you can find almost nothing built in the modern age. We have such a rich culture, it’s so lovely Farren I wish you could see it.”

“That wouldn’t be a good idea Tevinter isn’t a safe place for an elf, I’d love to though if it were.”

Dorian sighed softly and nodded “I know. It’s such a shame too as I’m sure you would love it. You seem like a man who loves history. I feel the same way, and Tevinter is just rich with it. You’d enjoy it so much.”

“It’s not really for the building, I’d like to see my people. I hear so much of slavery and I wonder about it, about the elves trapped there. What their culture must be like compared to ours.”

“Oh come on, here in the south you have alienages. You have inescapable poverty, at least back home when you're poor you can sell yourself into slavery. Some slaves are even treated well. Besides most slaves don’t even question it. No one does. You southerners make slavery into this whole thing, back home it just is.”

“Dorian”, Farren took a deep breath. Hands clenching as he stilled himself. “Did you just compare poverty to slavery? A slave doesn’t question it because they can’t fucking read Pavus. They can be raped, beaten, tortured, killed, and no one cares. Why? Because they’re property and you can do what you want with your property. If I’m poor I can change that, maybe, and if I can’t at least I’m free. How can you compare the two?”

“Not every story of Tevinter excess is the norm. Assuming everyones like that is like assuming all elves are thieves because some elves have stolen.”

“Stolen because shemlen oppress them to the point that they have no options. We are either slaves, or second class citizens, no one treats us like people.” They yet again found themselves in silence. Before Farren could open his mouth to respond a large warm hand clapped him on the back.

“You two done fighting?” Standing behind them was Bull who had a soft smile on his face. 

“It wasn’t a fight merely a debate that got a little heated.” Dorian was still a bit uncomfortable with Bull, which made sense given Tevinter’s history with the Qunari.

Farren nodded, “I thought you were busy clearing out the garden?”

“I finished and decided to treat myself to a drink. You two should join me, I’ve got a table in the back. Sera and Varric are gonna and I think we may play some wicked grace.”

Farren wasn’t really in the mood to be surrounded by people, but Bull being there made him accept. Dorian agreed after a little more prodding. Sera joined not too long after, and soon they were just waiting on Varric. Farren glanced at Bull and couldn’t help but stare at his arm, his powerful, muscular arms, that could clearly crush Farren. He longed to lean against Bull, to feel those powerful arms hold him close, but he couldn’t. They were just friends and you don’t ask your friends to hold you. So he slid a little closer to Sera, keeping a distance would make it easier.

“Hey, sorry I’m late had to reply to a letter and it took a while.” Varric sat down his tankard sloshing a bit as he joined them.

“Everything alright?” 

“Yeah. Don’t tell the Seeker but I contacted Hawke.”

Farren tilted his head and gave Varric a confused look. “I thought you didn’t know where he was. You wouldn’t lie would you Varric? Keeping secrets from your friends is highly rude.”

“Oh don’t you start. I’m gonna hear enough of it from her. Listen Hawke’s a good friend, a great friend, he’s like a brother to me. I wasn’t gonna put him in any more danger unless I had to.”

“A noble thing to do.” Despite the words coming from Dorian, they weren’t sarcastic.

“I’ve been known to do noble things. Anyway, lets play some wicked grace and Lilac can share some more of his stories.”

Dorian and Sera were now looking at him, they hadn’t been at the first game he Varric and Bull and he had played. He now felt pressure to tell a good one. His past was mostly boring despite what he did. It was all very routine. He didn’t have too many stories about work that went poorly in a funny manner. Still, he tried to find a good one.

“Okay, so I had this client, lovely woman she was 37 when I was 18. Now she’d never been with a mage. Wanted to try some magic in bed. I was more than willing. So I did what I normally did. I used a little ice in places and heat in others. Everything seems to be going well. Until I’m inside her. You see trying to keep an erection and cast was difficult at 18. So I’m trying to focus on both. Which is a nightmare. I lose my erection which makes her feel ugly. I end up just telling her my dick doesn’t work. Honestly, I have no clue even now what I was supposed to say. She doesn’t believe me. We settled for just having me eat her out. Which should, in theory, go fine. I froze her nipple. Anyway, I gave her a refund and apologized. Time heals all wounds and unfreezes all nipples.”

Varric stopped and just started laughing as he wrote all that down. Though it was Bull’s reaction he cared about, and Bull didn’t disappoint. He choked slightly on his ale from laughing too hard. Sera and Dorian both wore matching expressions of confusion and mirth. Sera even started laughing halfway through so hard she seemingly couldn’t breathe. 

“Did anything go right?” Varric asked him before drawing another card.

“She came, twice. As I’ve said I’m very good with my tongue, never disappointed a client before. Well never left them unsatisfied.”

Bull look at him and smirked. “Never? That is quite the skillful tongue.” 

Before Farren could respond Sera all but shouted, “You were a whore?” Farren looked around eyes shifting carefully, but no one was looking at them. He hated that fucking word. He didn’t want it associated with him.

“A little louder next time Sera I don’t think the darkspawn heard you! Also no I wasn’t a whore.” He stressed the word clearly annoyed. “I was a prostitute, I provided a service.”

Sera seemed to deflate as she sat back down. “I don’t see the difference. Seems like a fancy way of saying you were a whore.”

Farren shuddered and clenched his fists. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t see the difference I do and I am asking you to say, prostitute, escort or sex worker.”

“What’s the difference though?”

Before Farren could explain Bull spoke up. “The difference is he said not to call him a whore. He wasn’t one, isn’t one now, drop it.”

Bull turned to him and smiled, Farren wished for a second he wasn’t so broken. That he could hear that word without flinching, that it still held no power over him. Made his skin crawl. He could hear her every time he heard that word. He was all but ruined. He wished he could still sleep around with little care, but sadly he wasn’t who he use to be. Silence surrounded the table. No one spoke but Varric as he won this first hand. Bull dealt the next hand and still, silence remained. 

“I’m sorry.” Sera was looking down at the table with interest.

“It’s perfectly alright Sera.”

“Will you tell another story?” And oh how he wished he could say no, be less of a people pleaser. Never the less he told another.

“When I was young, 20 to be specific I had a client who he recently moved. He had married a woman and they clearly didn’t even like each other. He liked me to wear his wife's clothes while I sat on his face. Really got off on being dominated and degraded. Well, one day his wife comes home while he’s tied to the bed, my cock halfway down his throat. She gives us both this look and just leaves. After we finished I left and she approached me. I thought she was gonna be pissed, slap me across the face like the other spouses. She merely asked me what I did to get him like that. I ended up helping their marriage and teaching her how to dom. It was rather odd, honestly thought it was fun. Not something I’m likely to do ever again. Never was much of a dom.”

Dorian shook his head and let a soft chuckle. “Why sleep with people? You clearly have other skill you could utilize to make money.”

“I was good at it. I knew how to make a woman cum so fast and hard she’d be singing my praise to every woman she knew. I have no gag reflex. I was really good at sex. Plus we traveled so doing that gave me money, and in the end, I got to leave. No risk of attachment plus I like sex, or rather I did.”

“Awful a lot of past tense in there. You lose those skills? Did you stop enjoying it?” Was Bull flirting with him? No, he was clearly reading to much into that.

“I’m out of practice, having a kid doesn’t leave me with much time for things like sex. As for enjoying it well, again I have a kid. Been a long time since I’d had the pleasure.”

“She’s back home with your clan right? Why not find someone now and have some fun, I’m sure you could use to break.”

“I don’t do that anymore, kinda stopped after getting married.”

“So marriage really does kill your sex drive, good to know,” Dorian smirked as the words left his mouth. “Also Angel of Death.” Dorian had won which meant someone else had to buy the next round. Once everyone else had their drinks the game began a new. Silence filled the first few minutes as everyone got their card sorted.

“So Boss, you see the ex anymore?” Bull was looking at him as he asked, searching Farren’s face for something.

“Nope, she and I haven’t spoken in years.”

“You looked for her since all this began? Make sure she’s still alive and all that.”

Ah, the thought that Vee might have died hadn’t even crossed his mind. After all, it took a lot to kill pure evil she wouldn’t be killed by something as petty as a demon. “If anyone can survive this it’s Vee.”

“Vee? That was your wife name?” Dorian seemed a little more invested in the conversation meaning his card were shit.

“Vee’s a nickname it’s short for Velaria. She hated her name, preferred being called Vee. I suppose saying it now is just habit.”

“So no lingering feelings there?” Dorian leaned back in his chair looking at Farren with a mixture of curiosity and amusement.

Farren blanched at the idea eyes glaring daggers at Dorian for asking, though the question wasn’t unreasonable. “Not a chance.”

“So why not have some fun? That is if you don’t have any lingering feelings.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“Why does it have to be? You two aren’t together anymore. You don’t care for her, right? Seems like your making it hard than it is. No pun intended.”

“I know that clearly, your longest relationship has been with your hand, but sometimes people don’t just bounce back from relationships. Sometimes they need time, and not, for instance, a dick down their throat.”

Dorian looked ready to say something, but Bull cut him off. “Let's get back to the game.” Bull was trying to diffuse the situation but Farren knew better. He should leave before he made things worse.

Dropping his cards Farren rose from the table with a curt nod. He strode to his room locking the door and burying himself beneath the blankets on the bed. He laid there listening to the harsh sound of the winter winds. Sleep crept up on him dragging him under before he could fight it off. Yet again he was haunted by nightmares.

The darkness was so thick it feels like it’s suffocating him. A soft light glows ahead of him, a voice calling. Faint but familiar. Hands in the darkness covered in blood grabbed his legs and hold him. The light slams into him bright and blinding. There she stands, Ghila. So small, smiling at him, hair falling around her face as she twirls. 

 

A hand grabs her and he tries to run, held in place. Forced to watch and they torture her, burn her small body He watches as she begs for the pain stop. Watches as she begs him to save her, he can’t. 

 

Blood runs down her neck and she walks closer. Limping, broken bones and burned skin, arm barely hanging on. 

 

_“Why didn’t you save me?” She asks in a small voice._

_“I tried sweetie! I tried! I’m so sorry!” Farren screams fighting the hands the hold him in place. “I came back, I fixed it, I’m going to stop it next time, this time. I’m sorry Ghila!”_

_“This is your fault.” She says point an accusing finger at him as her body goes limp, and she hits the ground with a sickening thud.”_

 

Farren jerked awake covered in a cold sweat. He tired and scared. He longs for a chance to hold Ghila, to reassure himself it’s just a nightmare but all he has is himself. He walks over to the desk and writes her a letter, trying desperately not to think. Sunrise brings with it a chance to busy himself yet again. Much easier to pretend he didn’t fail and get his daughter kill when he’s busy. A few days pass with no sleep and Farren find himself staring blankly at the war table. Leliana orders him to at least nap, though as he’s making his way to his room Varric stops him.

“Hey, someone's here I want you to meet, well two people.” Varric looked rather excited which can only mean one thing.

“Hawke and Fenris?”

“Don’t ruin the surprise Lilac.”

Outside the breeze rolling down from the mountains chills the air. Summer is coming through and Farren is dreading that. Those thoughts become mute as he spots the Champion of Kirkwall. Garrett Hawke is a very striking man. Standing at about 6’2, he has short black hair that’s shaved on the sides and eyes as blue as the ocean. He also looks like he could easily pick Farren up and throw him. Not a man Farren is eager to piss off. Standing beside him is a short elf. The famed Fenris, white hair and the markings to match. He looks beautiful, and much like how he was described in the book, only far more striking, and with longer hair. It was tied back in a beautiful braid at only framed him more.

“You must be Farren, the names Garrett most people call me Hawke. This is Fenris”, he said motioning towards the man beside him. “He’s a little grumpy right now, hasn’t slept in a while, or had a good bottle of wine. Any chance you could show us to our room before we continue this chat? I know you must have questions.”

“I…uh…yes I suppose I could.” That was horrible, dammit! Why was he so nervous? 

“You know you just asked the guy in charge right? He could be doing anything else, important things Hawke. Not everyone just lives to serve you.”

“Oh please, Varric this’ll be a great chance to bond.” Hawke wrapped his arm around Farren.

The walk up the battlements was mostly a tense silence. Broken only by Farren pointing things out. Hawke and Fenris were staying in a room that overlooked the garden, Varric had picked it out. Farren had a few dozen questions he wanted to ask Hawke. Like how to deal with this sudden onslaught of people needing your help, but he didn’t get the chance. Only seconds after showing them to their room he spotted Dorian in the garden. Back against a wall, surrounded by three - no wait four Templars. This wasn’t good, not at all. 

“You alright?” Fenris asked the first words he’d spoken since arriving. 

“Yeah, I just gotta go check on something.” Farren knew this was going to end poorly if he didn’t step in soon. “Listen I’d love to buy you two a drink in the tavern later,” Farren called out over his shoulder as he rushed down the steps. Leading over the railing to make his way quietly up behind the men. 

Farren stuck to the shadows creeping around until he locked eyes with Dorian. He wanted to help, but if Dorian could handle this then he should let him. Dorian was, after all, a very proud man, it wouldn’t do to intervene if he could handle it. The men started up again telling Dorian to leave. Calling him a useless blood mage, it was the tavern all over again. Shemlen were so dumb. He’d just dealt with this, now it was happening again. Was not clear the first time or did they not care? Enough ale and men just seem to not care.

“The Inquisitor wants me here.” Dorian to his credit didn’t even look phased, he wore that same smirk he always had on. His eyes were alight with danger, he wasn’t one to be fucked with.

“I heard he just pities you, that why he stood up for you. So why not just go home and leave the good people here alone you abomination.”

“Abomination? Oh you poor blind man, I look far too good to be an abomination. I mean have you ever seen one. All sweaty pulsing flesh and putrid smelling.”

One man stepped forward and laid a hand on his sword. “Listen here vint, you’re gonna leave tonight or you won’t make it to morning.”

Dorian’s eyes narrowed and Farren could sense that powerful magic he felt before. Truly a man you didn’t piss off, he could kill them before they even drew those blades, and wouldn’t that be a shame. These fools didn’t notice, though, or they thought they could take him. A fatal mistake in the making.

“The Inquisitor would notice if I left, especially if I left with no reason. I am after all an important member of the inner circle.” His fingers sparked with the starting of a wildfire.

“I highly doubt that.” The templars all look eager to fight at this point. Clearly now was the time to step in before Dorian’s hand was forced.

“No he’s right I’d notice if he just up and left.” Farren chimed in causing the templars to jerk around. “I mean he’s my arcane adviser, right Dorian?”

“True enough.”

“I mean I have many important questions to ask someone of your knowledge and skill.” Farren could barely stifle the laugh as their faces twisted in rage. “These gentleman giving you any trouble?”

“They merely stopped be to tell me they’d like to go to the Fallow Mire.”

“I’m sure I can have Commander Cullen arrange it.”

Dorian followed him back to his room, behind them he heard the shem nobles whispering. Once inside the room Dorian sat on the bed like he owned it, with a different much more infectious smirk.

“You saved me again, I hope this isn’t becoming a habit of yours.”

“Well it’s certainly not a bad habit have is it? Saving handsome men has worked out rather well for me in the past.”

“So you’ve noticed I’m handsome have you?”

“It only takes eyes,” Farren said followed by a soft chuckle as Dorian stood and sauntered about.

“That’s what I always say! Yet so few openly agree, I know they do, however. No one wants to say it out loud, and that hurts Farren, it cuts deep.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find more than a few men here who will. I’ve noticed some eyes on you.”

Dorian expression changed quickly to one of well-concealed shock. “How could you tell?”

“It’s a trick, a specialty of mine. I used to sell my services, Dorian. I had to have a knee eye for people, be able to tell which ones would hurt me. How much they’d pay, and of course who wanted to in the first place.”

“That makes sense. I keep forgetting that the south isn’t like home, no one really cares about who you take to bed.”

“Not true, you try fucking an elf everyone's gonna look down on you.”

“So somethings don’t change, good to know.” Dorian sounded wary as he sat back down on the bed. “Not that I had any plans to fuck any elves mind you. I’ve tried, but Solas shows little interest in me.”

Farren laughed and moved to stand in front of Dorian. “I hope you know I won’t judge you, not for who you love anyway. For the things you say and how you act, always. We can’t choose who we love, however. Trying to love someone you don’t is like ordering the sun to turn green, pointless and may end up hurting you.”

“That makes no sense, how could ordering the sun to turn green hurt you?” Dorian was clearly deflecting, trying not to put any stock into Farren’s words. 

“You’d end up staring at the sun a lot Dorian. That’s gonna hurt your eyes after a while.”

“Ah, so…what about you? Who do you love?”

“My daughter. My family, friends, clan in general.”

“Not like that you ass, I meant who do you lust after. What kind of person are you drawn to, what’s your preference?”

“Men, women, people who are neither, both. I honestly don’t care how people identify I mostly care about the person. Are they nice? Funny? Polite? Also, do that have a nice ass and thick thighs? I like people who look like they could crush me between their thighs. That says something about me I’m not about to think too deeply about. That aside I do have a fondness for beards and muscles. Whether on a man or woman matters little. ”

Dorian let out a sharp laugh and Farren laid back on the bed. “Really? Someone who looks like they could crush you?” Dorian kept laughing for a moment before his eyes met Farren’s. “Here I was worried you hated me for so long, I thought with being forced into the future, and the thing with your daughter made you want me gone, dead even, nice to be wrong this once.”

What? Dorian knew? Farren jerked up a frantic look on his face and his eyes went wide. “You knew about what happened with Ghila?”

“I hung back to listen in case it was important and Solas just didn’t trust me. I’ve been wanting to say I’m sorry but I don’t know how. I mean how does one say sorry for something like that? Flowers?”

“Don’t bring it up okay? Just…I’m trying to forget okay? So lets no talk about this.”

A heavy silence filled the air between them before Dorian sighed. “You’re a better father than most.”

“If that were true Dorian she’d never have died.” Farren shook his head and growled in annoyance. “This is getting depressing, wanna go to the tavern? I promised someone I’d buy drinks.”

Dorian nodded and they made their way outside and over to the tavern. Farren nearly falling over as he caught sight of Bull training Krem. Sweat dripping down his back, water droplets running over his lips and down his neck and he drank. His muscles flexing with each gulp.

“You alright?” Dorian asked but it clearly wasn’t a question. He could see the look in his eyes, he’d been caught.

“Just fine, and let's add this to the list of things we aren’t talking about.”

“Why not? You clearly want that brute, why not go for it? I’m sure he’d agree he’s taken everyone else to bed.”

That stung. Why could everyone else have what he wanted. Life was fucking cruel some days. “Maybe because he’s my friend. It’s a passing fancy nothing more. Also, he hasn’t taken Solas to bed, clearly no one has, despite trying.”

Dorian just shook his head as they entered the tavern. Farren spotted Hawke, Varric, and Fenris at a table close to the door. They both took a seat and Farren orders a round of drinks for the table, tea for him.

“Do you not drink any alcohol or just not ales?” Dorian didn't look at him as he asked he was mostly scanning the tavern.

“I don’t drink any alcohol. I’ve tried it all before you ask, and no I just don’t like it.”

Hawke gave him this look one he got from most people. “No one likes it people still just drink it.”

“I know that but I’m also not most people. It tastes gross, leaves you less in control, you forget things. I’m just not a fan of any of that.”

“The more you drink the less you notice the taste,” Fenris added before finishing off whatever was in the bottle in front of him.

“I just don’t enjoy it. It’s a personal choice and one I’ve made. That doesn’t mean I won’t drink. I, in fact, have drank before, even gotten shit faced once. It’s just something I don’t do as often as most people. Maybe once every five years I’ll have a glass of wine. That’s my choice, though, I’m not judging you so maybe stop judging me.”

“I gotta wonder what you look like drunk Boss,” Bull said from behind them as he dragged a chair over to the table.

“Like I do now only more flushed I guess. I’m a bit of a flirt when drunk, and mostly I’m just a mess. Oh, but introductions, Garrett Hawke, Fenris, these are my good friends The Iron Bull and Dorian Pavus. Bull is a mercenary whose men have joined us. He’s also a qunari spy, but don’t worry about that. He’s not really any good at it. Honestly, what spy tells you there a spy and then ask to spy on you?”

“Hey! I’m a damn good spy, just think about it I got you trust me, a spy. Most people don’t trust spies. So clearly I know what I’m doing. Also, you let me join, so clearly I'm good at my job.”

Farren shook his head before continuing. “That’s just because I have a weakness for cute men.” Shit! Did he just say that? Really? He had to cover that quickly. “And since Krem and you are a package deal you had to come along.” By the gods, Farren prayed Bull didn’t read to much into that. That Bull believed him.

“Boss that hurts. Your words hurt.” He either bought it, which Farren doubted, or he was being kind and playing along.

“Life hurts. Dorian, over there is my arcane adviser. No idea why but I got to give everyone titles. Wait let me introduce him properly. Dorian is a mage from Tevinter, but not a member of the Magisterium. I know southerners use the terms interchangeably, but that only makes you sound like barbarians.” Farren, Bull, and Varric laughed at the impersonation.

“I do not sound like that! My voice sounds much richer, like a fine wine or a dark chocolate.”

“I don’t know Sparkler I think that was spot on.”

“He’s an Altus.” Farren chanced a glance over and noticed that Fenris was clutching his tankard so hard it was starting to dent. “His father is a magister. He’s in line to be one, you should not trust him.”

The air around them developed a chill, and a look around the table said everyone knew what was happening. “Dorian’s a good man, he left Tevinter and is here now, helping,” Farren said trying to smooth things over. He knew Fenris didn’t like Magister. That was made clear by everything in Varric’s book. 

“For his own benefit. You can not trust his kind. He will betray you at best, at worst he would drag you back to Tevinter and claim you as his slave. His kind don’t see elves as anything else.”

“I’m sure that most don’t but Dorian is different.” Fenris’s hand moved and grabbed hold of something under the table. “Let me make this clear Fenris. I respect you, I know you fought long and hard to get here. However if you so much as mess up Dorian’s outfit I will make sure you regret it. It’d be a shame for Hawke to have to bury you. Not that I’d leave anything to bury. Am I clear?”

Fenris’s hand moved back up and laid flat on the table. He smirked, “I rather like you Lavellan, you're a lot like Hawke when someone threatens Anders or I.” That must be high praise from Fenris.

“Good. Because fighting you sounds terrifying. Like you can stick your hand in peoples chest, 90 percent sure I’d die.” Everyone but Dorian laughed at that. : Also, I had a question, is it true that you tried that you phased through the bed once? Varric’s books paint a picture but whether it’s true is another matter entirely.”

Everyone at the table laughed again, even Dorian mostly let chuckled clearly still on edge.

“Varric why did you include that in the book? Everyone asks about it and it’s embarrassing!” Hawke was glaring, so maybe it was true, Fenris phased out of bed during sex. That must have been a sight.

“At least I didn’t mention the splinter and having to rush you to Anders.”

“I have to hear that story”, Bull added as he stood up. “But first another round on me. Tea for you Boss?”

“Nah, see if they got some juice would you?”

Farren watched Bull as he left out of the corner of his eye. He wished that Bull’s pants were a little tighter, hugged his ass a little more. Something that showed off all of Bull’s assets would be better, though maybe not in combat. Farren’s eyes already lingered too much on the man as his tighter pants - tighter pants would kill him.

“If you’re gonna check him out at least hide it better, have some tact.”

Farren could hear the amusement in Dorian’s voice and growl. “I’ve noticed you staring as well so you have no room to talk.”

“He’s got a point Sparkler.” Ever grateful for Varric intervention Farren smiled at him. “Then again you both could stand to be a bit more discreet.”

“I’m not going after the qunari I’ve got someone else in mind. Besides it’d be cruel to take him from Farren, friendship and all that.”

“You’re operating under the delusion that you could Dorian.”

Dorian leaned over and smirked eyes locking with Farren’s. His bronze skin seemed to glow in the candlelight of the tavern. “Do you think if I wanted him I couldn’t take him from you?”

“You could try, but you’d fail. You’re cute Dorian, very handsome in fact. However, you seem all talk no action.”

“Is that so.” Dorian clearly saw this as a challenge. Good, Farren enjoyed a challenge.

“It is, not like I’d bother to find out, you're not really my type Dorian.”

“I feel like I’m missing something,”Bull said as he sat back down passing out the tankards, and handing Farren his juice.

“Farren was just telling me how he doesn’t think I put out.”

Before either of them could add anything Varric spoke. “As fun as this is I’d rather not keeping hearing about your sex lives. It’s only fun when something goes wrong.”

Dorian and Farren laughed and nodded at one another. The conversation wore on jumping from subject to subject, it was rather relaxing. It gave Farren a chance to just sit back and focus on something else. At one point Hawke bets Bull he could drink him under the table and the night got much better. Mostly because Bull chugging the drinks made some spill down his lovely, well-toned chest. Farren despite not drinking stayed for all of it. It was only once it grew dark that Farren left.

He didn’t sleep again that night but he did meditate. Clearing his mind was easier said than down, however. He found himself in the grip of a panic spiral and decided to get some air, a walk around the battlements. Each step in the cold air let him push his panic further back. That was until Farren got close to Bull’s door. He could hear sounds coming from inside, sounds of pleasure. He froze, eyes wide at the sounds of Bull in the throws of passion. Who did he have in their Farren wondered?. He pictured the red-headed barmaid with the curves, she was just his type.

This wouldn’t do at all he was trying to calm down not freak out more. Also, why was he freaking out? He didn’t own Bull, they weren’t dating, he could fuck whomever he wanted. So Farren walked calmly (ran) back to his room and studied old treaties, noble houses, anything really. He did his best to stay in places he knew Bull wouldn’t be all day. Eventually, he started training with his commander and his new blade. It was a nice distraction for a while. When he finally stopped he bumped into some he wished, sincerely wished he hadn’t. Standing they're inside the stairwell to his room was Bull.

“Sorry Boss didn’t mean to scare you, Red asked me to drop this off for you.”

“Running errands now?” Farren had meant for it to sound light-hearted but it came out bitter.

“I was giving her my reports and she needed someone to drop this off. You okay? Don’t look like you slept any?” Why was he so concerned? Was it for his reports? Did he even really care about Farren? 

“What’s it matter to you? Never mind. Just leave me be Bull I have more important thing to do.” 

“You don’t mean that. Now tell me what’s going on.” 

Farren sighed and pushed past Bull who followed him upstairs. “Nothing is wrong, I’m fine, just tired.”

“That sounded stiff, wanna try that lie again?”

Farren took a deep breath and spun around eyes locking with Bull’s from his spot several stairs above him. “I’m just tired, I’m sure you are too after last night.” Oops, he hadn’t meant to say that.

“You overheard me last night?”

“I was going for a walk and you were rather loud Bull. I do hope you were careful with whomever it was you took to bed. I’d hate to see anyone in pain because precautions weren’t taken.”

Bull smirked and took a few steps closer. “Didn’t take anyone to bed, that was just me releasing some tension. Sorry if it bothered you I know I can get a bit loud.”

Farren blushed and he could feel his cock twitch in the confines of his smalls. “Uhh, no harm done Bull. I was merely embarrassed, but clearly no need to be. I should go work. See you later.” With that Farren bolted up the rest of the stairs and slammed the door shut. 

He quickly shoved his hand into this smalls and stroked his cock, by the gods he’d wanted to this for so long, but touching himself to thoughts of Bull felt like giving in. Still, he could no longer help himself. Farren tossed his clothes off and lay down in the center of his massive bed, grabbing a small jar of oil from the nightstand. He coated a finger in the oil and teased his entrance, as his hand all but stripped his cock. He could picture Bull leaning over him, ordering him to slow down,t\ to draw it out. Ever the masochist he obeyed. Body tensing, eager to chase the feeling of pleasure. That deep voice in his head whispering to keep his pace.

He could hear Bull calling him an eager slut and it only made him harder. In his mind, he could so clearly picture Bull towering above him, the scent of him. It was overpowering all other sense. Eventually, he couldn’t hold back anyone and slipped a finger inside. It burned but that only served to enhance the feelings of pleasure. Each pull on his cock made him whimper, as he shoved his finger deeper inside. 

The slick sounds got louder as more precum began to coat his hands. He pulled the finger out and slipped another one in beside it. Slowly, as not to hurt himself. He could hear Bull urging him on, whispering filth into his ear with each movement. What did Farren in however was the thought that Bull hadn’t left before he started.

Qunari had good hearing, as good if not better then elves. He could easily hear everything Farren was doing, and that did him in. Farren came faster then he had since he was 16. It had been a while and since he’d last done this, last sought release. It got everywhere, his cum coated his stomach, landed on the sheets, even his chin. His thighs shook and his eyes rolled back with each wave of pleasure. He looked a mess when it finally ended.

He moved slowly once he got up. Drawing himself a bath and slipping into the hot water. Farren tried not to think about what he’d done. He’d swore to himself he wouldn’t let things get this far but they had, he wanted Bull. It was becoming apparent to everyone else. He either had to act on these feelings and hope they left his system after, or he had to suppress them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter took forever to write. I couldn't figure out which way it was going. Blah...anyway song time Arctic Monkey Your so Dark. God this song is so good, I hope you check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJHOREQazHY


	6. If I wanted to stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As if having to deal with Dorian's father wasn't bad enough...

Farren had been working non-stop since the start of the week, and it was beginning to wear on him. He was tired, worn out, and eager to be done with the day. As he was walking back to his room, however, he was stopped by Mother Giselle. They didn’t really get along, he lacked her faith, her compassion, her irritating piousness. Also, she referred to him more often then naught as ‘The Herald’ even though he’d asked her twice now not to. Moreover, she continuously made comparisons to Andraste and him, as though he didn’t feel enough pressure from everyone else. It was not a compliment to him, it felt more like a brand. Still, he’d hear her out as she had been very helpful to start. 

She pulled him into a nook off to the side and pulled a letter from her robe. She glanced at first then back at him, whatever this was it was clearly important, and she was clearly concerned about handing it over. None the less she did, slipping it into the hand. He took hold but made no move to open it.

“Something the matter Mother Giselle? You’re looking a little weary, is someone in danger, are you in danger?”

“Not that I know of. It’s just that I know you and the Tevinter are rather close…” She trailed off and Farren couldn’t help but roll his eyes. The Tevinter? He had a name, but no use in correcting a bigot she’d never call him Dorian.

“Yes, he’s a good friend I’d say we’ve grown close.” She shifts around giving him a look of mild disappointment. Honestly, he wanted to reach up and slap her hard across the face but refrained. Starting a fight with a Revered Mother could only end badly. “Clearly, you’re no fan of his I take it. Has he done something to offend?”

“No, it’s not that.” She let out a heavy sigh and glanced around. “I have received a letter from his father, he sent it to me in hopes of getting his son to meet with a retainer. The letter is rather heartfelt and he seems to truly want to make amends, but he fears his son won’t show unless tricked. I can’t be sure it’s not a Venatori plot. So now I’m leaving this in your capable hands.” She turned and made her way out of the hall. “You may want to keep this a secret from him, he way not go if you tell him the truth.” And with that, she was gone. 

Farren stood they're a minute reading the letter and debating what to do next. Though he wasn’t able to do that for long as he mad meeting after meeting. Dorian’s letter was shoved by the wayside as an attack in the Strom Coast forced them to rush out. It was three weeks before they got back and had a moment to rest. The red templars were proving hard to fight and harder even to kill. Farren was about to lay down for a rest when he caught sight of the letter on his bedside table. He knew should go tell Dorian, it was growing close to the time the letter asked for a meeting. So despite his ever present exhaustion, Farren made his way down to Dorian.

The echoing of his leather boots on the steps was deafening as Farren tried to think of what to say. The sound seemed to grow louder with each step up the stairs that lead to Dorian’s spot in the library. What was he suppose to say? _”Hey Dorian I know you have at best a strained relationship with your family, at worse well you may want them dead,but hey I got this letter, it might be a trap, also could be from your dad. So do you wanna go to Redcliffe maybe?”_ Honestly that might be his best one yet, and that was truly sad, but he wasn’t likely to do better in his current state.So he strolled right up to Dorian who didn’t even look up from his book.

“What did I do this time? Has someone else had enough of ‘the vint’ hanging around. Farren, you must try harder not get so worked up over it. Every time you do you come up here, stomping around all the books. Do try and remember this is a place of learning.” He couldn’t help but smile as Dorian teased him, he liked this, their friendship.

“My apologizes I…”, this was harder than he thought, he was at a loss. “That is to say that I have something -”, he tried to think of what to say but nothing came to mind.

“My my why so formal? Am I really in trouble?” Dorian was doing his best to conceal the look but Farren saw it, genuine worry. Shit, that wasn’t at all what he wanted.

“Not at all, that is to say hopefully not. I never know with you.” The joke fell flat as it was clear neither of them was in the mood for it. “ Anyway, I got this letter,or rather Mother Giselle got this letter and gave it to me. Might be a trap, it also could be from your father.”

Dorian’s whole face shifted and he shoved his hand out, Farren immediately handed over the letter. Dorian read fast and when he finished he looked much the way a pissed off high dragon does. He gripped the letter like it’s very being was offensive to him. Like it had pushed him down and spit on his face, he looked volatile. He held it tight in his hand as bits of fire dancers around his fingers.

“He knows nothing of me, Andraste tits you know more about me then he does and I’m his son! How dare he, this had better be a trap! I’d much rather deal with the Venatori then whatever fool my father paid to kidnap me.”

“He’d kidnap you? Really?” This was clearly a touchy subject for Dorian.

“He’s done so before.” Dorian stopped realizing what he just said and sighed heavily. “ Never mind that, forget I said anything alright? We should leave in the morning.” With that, he was gone leaving behind nothing but the scent of his cologne. 

Farren made his way back downstairs mind wandering cause him to trip down the last one. “Do be careful, we can’t have you bedridden.” Solas was looking up at him from the table he sat at.

“Solas we are setting out tomorrow to go see someone Dorian’s father hired, possibly to kidnap him. Will you come?” He asked as he wiped the dirt and dust off himself. 

“Of course, but remember Farren this has nothing to do with you, that anger you’re feeling, while justified, must be kept in check. This is about Dorian, his wishes.”

Solas had a point, this wasn’t about him at all, this was about Dorian. No matter what happened when they got there who had to stay in control. No point going off on some messenger anyway. Farren left giving Solas a nod of acknowledgment as he made his way outside. He’d ask Bull to come, both because he was intimidating and kept Farren calm. It would be bad form to blow up his best friend's father after all. 

Finding Bull took very little effort as he was mostly around the tavern. Today he was outside teaching Krem some more blocking techniques. 

“Might I borrow you for a moment?” He asked though he didn’t bother looking up, he knew the answer already.

Bull turned to him and smirked before tilting his head and giving Krem a look. “Sure Boss, you wanna go a few rounds? I’ve got nothing but time, never seen you fight with a sword before, this ought to be interesting.”

“You’re operating under the assumption I intend to use a sword,” Farren said as he bent down and picked up one of the wooden swords, twirling it carefully in hand. “My mother taught me how to swing a sword, she said I needed to be able to defend myself at close range. Magic is best used at a distance you see.”

“That’s a good idea” Bull drew his blade and began to circle. “Honestly, most mages have no idea what to do once someone gets close, they panic, freeze up.” With that, Bull lunged forward striking much faster then Farren thought he could. Using two-handed weapons must slow him down a bit.

He did his best to parry Bull’s strikes but he was always a half second too late, and it wasn’t helping his already sour mood. He came here seeking advice, maybe a chat, not to work himself up even more. “I have a question if you’ll indulge me that is.”

“Why so formal Boss?” Asked just as a strike landed perfectly against Farren’s chest. “Never mind, yeah I’ll indulge you, go on, ask.” 

“Sorry, I’m just -” He tossed the sword down by his side. Dammit, he couldn’t stand this feeling of weakness. 

“Angry, I know, I can tell by how poorly you’re blocking. Also, you make this face when you're pissed. Get all quite, polite, but those pretty little eyes lose all their shine.”

Farren’s mind when suddenly blank _pretty eyes_? Bull thought he had pretty eyes! By the gods, had he really lost focus over a single compliment. This was well and truly pathetic. He was here for other matters, not to start obsessing over Bull yet again. “Dorian’s father is awful, I want to kill him, I can’t though, not allowed. Come with us when we go meet his retainer so I don’t kill that fool? Be a pity to shoot the messenger.”

“Of course, though it’s not like you could hit him.You seem to only be able to air.” 

“This coming from a man who just lets his tits hang out. That’s the only reason you land a hit, everyones so distracted by those huge things they miss.It’s cheating!”

Bull let out a loud laugh, dropping his sword by his side and walking over to Farren. “That why I kept beating you huh? Too busy staring at my chest?” 

Bull made his way over to the tavern and Farren followed close behind. “Of course, I mean look at them, how could I not stare.” They sat down at Bull’s normal table and drank, Farren his water,Bull his ale of choice. “This question is going to come off rude but I can think of no other way to ask. How do you even have any fat on you? You work out more than anyone else - Cassandra exulted - that I know.”

“It’s not fat”, Bull clarified, and he didn’t look offend, thankfully. It was moments like this when Farren wished he had a better filter, or at least better phrasing. “When you build muscle for fighting like I do you gotta have a layer of fat over it otherwise your fucked. Hit my stomach and it’s gonna be solid muscle.” 

Was that an invitation? The look Bull was giving him said yes. Farren ever the intellectual leaned over the table and hit Bull’s stomach. Which of course hurt, why in the god names did he do that! It stung his hand but had little effect on Bull himself. “Fucking hell!” He shouted shaking his hand in some vague attempt to reduce the pain.

“You’ll be okay Boss, here have some of my -” and without thinking, or even waiting Farren reached over and downed the whole tankard. “-ale. Holy shit, I thought you didn’t drink.”

“I drink, not often, in fact so very rarely your likely to get struck by lighting twice before seeing it, but it happens. Sometimes you just want a cold ale, a cold ale that tastes horrible, like what I imagine piss taste like. I shouldn’t have drank that.”

“You gonna be okay? You’ve gotta be a lightweight so that much at once…”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ve had more than this before, just because it’s been awhile doesn’t mean I can’t hold it. I think, time will tell.”

With that Bull left to go refill his drink and Farren who was beginning to feel something after downing the tankard closed his eyes, and leaned back, trying his best to look unaffected. Though when Bull returned he let out an amused chuckle and said. “You gonna be okay Boss? No shame in admitting that you’re in fact a lightweight.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Farren said, but it had no bite to it clearly judging by the way Bull was now laughing at him.

“I did if you’re still keeping tabs on my sex life. Last night in fact.” His face suddenly felt hot, and the ceiling was looking particularly interesting Was he teasing him or was it flirting? Could it be both? Shit, people were hard to read when he was buzzed. 

“I would have thought someone as beautiful and charming as you’d have no problem getting some in bed.” He hadn’t meant to say that, but gods be damned it was too late for that now.

“Beautiful?” Looking up Farren saw an odd look on Bull’s face. He was still smiling but it had softened, look a bit more venerable, but only for a moment. “I’ve never been called that before.” The laugh he let out was warm, but Farren didn’t feel that pleasant rush like normal. How could that be, how could no one have ever told Bull he’s beautiful?

“I can’t believe that. Someone must have noticed how beautiful you are before me. I mean it’s obvious, you’re so gorgeous,stunning,breath-taking. Do you only sleep with blind people? How has no one told you you’re beautiful before.”

Bull looked him over before chuckling low under his breath. “Most people lack your way with words, Boss. I think you might be a little tipsy.”

“Why? Because I called you beautiful? You are ya know, I’m not the only one who thinks so. All the people you bed must, they’re just scared to tell you.” With that he reached over and downed Bull’s drink again, this time, it burned, a stronger ale, dammit.

“That one’s got a bit more of a kick to it.” Bull laughed at the look on Farren’s face. “You gonna need help getting to your room?” 

“Alluring, handsome, enchanting, captivating. All words I’d use to describe you, along with fit, and rather sexy. I mean damn, that ass.” He paused and slumped back in the chair. “Hadn’t meant to get all honest and tell you that.”

“You’re clearly drunk.” Bull stood and Farren followed behind him, swaying slightly with each step. “Let me help you up to your room.”

“Can’t, I’d have to go right past the nobles, drunk. Not the best idea.”

“You can stay in my room then, nap this off.” He’d gone from beyond angry to drunk in less than an hour, wondrous. 

Bull pushed open the door and Farren noticed immediately that his room was rather tidy, and it had a hole in the roof. Why hadn’t Bull done anything about that? Should he send someone to? Maybe not, Bull probably left it there for a reason. 

“You can sleep on the bed, I promise it’s clean.” The wink Bull gave him wasn’t helping his already inebriated mind.

“I’m sure that’s a lie, but I don’t mind.” Farren laid down tossing his shirt somewhere in the corner. He then preceded to bury his face amongst the pillows and burrow beneath the covers. “Smells like you.” He mumbled and it came out in a slur, whether this was do to the drink or sudden onslaught of exhaustion he didn’t know.

“I sleep there, so it’s gonna smell like me.” The fondness in his voice made Farren’s heartache.

“I like you, Bull.”

“I like you too Boss.”

“No, I mean I like you. Think about you all the time. Fuck, Bull, it’s gotten out of hand. You smell so good, just wanna lay here forever, never leave this bed. I even felt jealous, I don’t get jealous. I heard you moaning and I thought _’who the fuck lucked out and got to see you naked, hear you making that sound for them’_.”

“You’re drunk Farren, get some sleep, we’ll talk in the morning.” 

“No, we won’t. I know how this goes, Bull. In the morning we’ll both just pretend this never happened. Besides, you don’t want me. Friendly piece of advice, I’m far too broken.” The words slipped out as sleep finally claimed Farren after days of being awake. As he began to fall his eyes met Bull’s and he said, “You really are beautiful.”

Just after the 11th bell rang Farren bolted straight up. He was still in Bull’s bed, tangled in sheets that smelled like well, that smelled like all his current sexual fantasies. It was as he was taking a deep breath that the memories of what he said hit him. By the god what had he done, had he really said all that? In a panic he tumbled out of the bed feet tangled still in the sheets. His body hit the ground with a heavy thud. He’d managed to untangle himself just as Bull walked in.

“You alright?” Farren stood slowly unwilling to meet Bull’s eye.

“Yes, could I get my other shirt back?”

Bull walked over to a chair in the corner and grabbed it, it had been folded meaning Bull had folded it, how sweet. After dressing Bull handed him a glass of water and a potion. “For your hangover.” He said with that warm smile.

“Don’t get hangovers, never have, my dad's side just doesn’t.”

Bull shook his head in amusement. “Of course, the guy who doesn’t drink also doesn’t get hangovers. Lucky.”

“What can I say the gods can be cruel and kind all at once.” He gripped the back of neck tensing with each breath, he had to say something about before, anything to explain what he’d said. “Listen, Bull, about before when I was drunk. I maybe have said some things and well...”

“Don’t sweat it, Boss, everyone says things they don’t mean when they’re drunk.”

That stung because he had meant them. He was just being a coward, running away from his feelings.“You really are beautiful, and I meant what I said, but now isn’t the time to talk about it.” No, he had to wait, but he wouldn’t run. “Can we hold the conversation until Dorian’s thing is dealt with?”

The look on Bull’s face was worth any feels of discomfort he felt at confessing. His smile lit the room, his eye seemed to sparkle. “Yeah Boss, I can wait ‘till we get back.”

Farren was eager to go as he raced across the battlements to his room. He didn’t end up going back to sleep, instead, he tried to work as much as he could. He was still feeling that pleasant buzz of happiness in his chest. When morning came Farren found Dorian sitting alone at the table. He wasn’t eating so much as he was moving his food around.

“You gonna be okay?” His words seemed to startle Dorian who in turn dropped his spoon into the bowl.

“Yes, I’ll be just fine, what could possibly go wrong?”

“And here I thought you were a good liar.” He said as he sat across from Dorian. “Would you like to try again? I can wait.”

Dorian rolled his eyes and pushed his bowl away. “I asked Varric if he wanted to join us, never hurts to have backup”

“Solas and Bull are coming as well.”

Dorian look down at the table tapping is foot and humming, He was clearly no longer paying attention so Farren ate in silence. When he finished Solas walked in, Bull and Varric following behind. They ate quickly, everyone having packed the night before helped speed things up too. They managed to make it pretty far the first day. That night Dorian and Farren shared a tent and it was clearly Dorian was scared. Not nervous but genuinely scared. No child should ever be afraid of their parent.The next morning was no better, Dorian was twitchy, everything seemed to be too much for him. Sleep didn’t seem to help either as the next night he didn’t even try. 

Upon arriving at Redcliffe Dorian seemed to calm, but it was clearly a front. The calm before the storm, a mask, one Farren was not looking forward to watching fall. Dorian wrapped his hand tighter around his staff as the walked toward the bar. Still fully aware that the whole thing could be a Venatori plot after all. Empty? That wasn’t good. It was starting to feel more and more like a trap as time passed. That was until he heard a set of singular footsteps, the scent of some heavy perfume. The man that arrived downstairs looked too old. Far too old to be a messenger, and too well dressed. Also, he bore a striking resemblance to -

“Father?” Dorian said his mask still holding in place. Though the word seemed to catch in his throat.

“Dorian, my son. It’s good to see you. I wasn’t excepting you to bring guests.”

“Yes, you were, just ones you could control. Mother Giselle was worried it might be a trap, the old bat was right for once. Just not in the way she thought.”

Farren approached him and placed a hand, carefully, ever so carefully on Dorian’s shoulder. “You need a minute alone?”

“Oh don’t go, Farren, it’d be such a pity. I’d love to have you all stay and witness my father's latest attempt to explain away what he did. Come on father why this time? What’s the latest excuse? Don’t keep the people waiting.”

“Dorian please this isn’t the time nor the place.”

“Right. Here allow me to explain. See I like men, normally, not a problem if you agree to hide it. I just wouldn’t, couldn’t. So he decided to fix that, you what does the trick? Blood magic! But you wouldn’t know anything about that would you father?” So that’s why Dorian looked so hurt. His father couldn’t accept him for who he was and restored to trying blood magic on him.

“Dorian-”

“Don’t Dorian me!” He shouted stepping forward. “You dragged me back, kept me, prisoner, tried to break me! What happened to all your talk about how horrid blood magic is? _’The resort of the weak mind’_ Right father? Well, I can now clearly see just how weak you are!”

Dorian turned around and put some distance between himself and his father. Farren walked over and watched the tears slowly roll down his cheeks. “Do you want me to kill him?”

Dorian laughed and it sounded watery, “Why bother?”

“I don’t know, to make you feel better.”

“Nothing will make me feel better besides a stiff drink. Farren he doesn’t care doesn’t love me, I don’t know if he ever did. He isn’t the father who raised me. It hurts. Andraste it hurts to know he’ll never love me, never accept me the way I am.”

Farren liked to think he was a calm man, that not much got to him.Putting distance between yourself and clients was key to what he use to do. This, however, wasn’t a client or some irritating noble, no this was Dorian, who at the moment looked more like a scared child than a dangerous mage. So little of the man he normally saw was present. So he turned marching over towards Halward.

“Lord Inquisitor I do apologize for the deception, but it was necessary to gain a chance to speak with Dorian. My son he -”

“He is not your son! He’s my son now! That is my son!” Farren could feel the magic crackling just beneath his skin, the storm that longed to rage. “A real father would love their son no matter what! You clearly aren’t a real father, you weak, pathetic, blood mage! So I’ll be taking care of Dorian from now on. I’ll be his father, I’ve got experience and I’m clearly better at it.” He moved closer magic sparking off wildly, a feral look in his eyes.”I won’t let you hurt him again. He doesn’t deserve it, no one does.”

Farren could feel his control slipping as he pressed himself against Halward. He leaned in close, lips pressing softly against his ear, whispering so as not to be heard. “You come after him and I will show you a savage elf. I will pluck out your eyeballs, rip your tongue and teeth out. Then I will slowly remove each limb so you can no longer fight me. Then Halward, then I’ll slowly burn you alive. I will make you pray for death.” With that, he turned and stomped off shouting as he left. “Lay one hand on my son Halward, lay one fucking hand on my son!”

He let the door slam shut as he walked away taking deep breaths. Losing control wasn’t something he’d planned on, he never really did plan on it. So he walked around, wandering aimlessly until he found a vendor selling books. He got some things he liked and picked out something special for Dorian, an apology. He hadn’t meant for that to happen. Hadn’t meant to leave Dorian like that but staying wasn’t an option. Not with the rage slowly boiling in his veins.

The sun had warmed the grass so Farren decided to lay down. Time ticked away and he was unsure how long he’d been laying there when he heard footsteps approach. He could smell the pleasant scent of Bull’s musk, Dorian’s oils and soap. He could hear Varric talking to Solas, Bull chimed in. 

“He’s over there” Bull called out as he waved.

Farren stood up slowly and walked over to them. He was unsure of what to say to Dorian. “I umm….got you a book.” Well, it clearly wasn’t that, he grabbed the book out of his pack and awkwardly shoved it at Dorian.

Dorian took the book and looked it over with an odd smile. “Thanks, dad”, he said sarcasm dripping from his words. Behind him, Bull,Varric, and Solas all laughed.

“What can I say I’ve always a son, a son who can grow a mustache is a bonus.”

The look Dorian gave him was worth it. “You idiot. You called me your son, your son! Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? I am a grown man I don’t need you to play daddy, I don’t even like that in bed. Also, we look nothing alike, we are almost the same age, what we are you thinking?”

“That you deserved to be loved no matter what and if that ass wouldn’t do it I would!”

Dorian’s face grew flush and he smiled softly. “I hate you”, and he clearly didn’t mean it. His arms wrapped around Farren and they just stood there. Farren began to rub Dorian’s back, he wished he knew what to say. Maybe there weren’t words for these moments, maybe you were just meant to stand there and hold each other. 

After a moment they separated and Farren grabbed Dorian’s hand, weaving their fingers together. They began the walk back to camp and no one commented on it.In fact for must of the trip back to Skyhold Farren stuck close to Dorian, they shared a tent, rode side by side. Dorian didn’t seem to mind if anything he looked grateful. The look in his eyes every time Farren grabbed his hand was heartbreaking. How long had he been denied something as simple as affection?

Upon returning to Skyhold he was quickly bogged down with work. Nobles were eager to talk his ear off about their petty problems. He honestly wished he could just tell them all to fuck off, but that was frowned upon. He had to deal with some soldiers who in a drunken brawl had broken Inquisition property. It was their third warning so he just sent them to some noble family, help guard their property, anything to get them away from Skyhold. Plus it killed two birds with one stone, and he was ever the pragmatist. 

Every now and then he’d stop by to check on Dorian, it was clear he needed more time. Farren never lingered he had far too much to do. However one night, late at night well past the time most people were in bed, Dorian was awake in the library reading.

“Can’t sleep”, he asked as he spotted Dorian in the corner.

Dorian, in turn, jumped out of his seat and glared. “We need to get a bell for around your neck.”

“My my Dorian I had no idea you were so kinky.”

Dorian just rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Why are you up here?”

“Can’t sleep, or rather don’t want to. You?”

“Can’t sleep, I tried, though, it just wasn’t happening.” Farren sat down beside him and a tense sort of silence filled the air. “What would you have done in my father position? If Ghila told you she liked girls that is.”

“I’d say Ghila you can’t pick who you love, but make sure they deserve that love. Don’t stay with someone who hurts you, who hits, who makes you feel less than perfect.”

“How sweet”, those words came out with a tinge of bitterness and sorrow.

“Dorian”, Farren said grabbing his chin and making sure Dorian looked into his eyes. “You deserve the world, let no one tell you otherwise. Dorian Pavus you are amazing,talented,passionate,funny, a little whiny, but a good person. You deserve the world, the sun, and all the stars. Anyone - and I mean anyone who says otherwise is a fucking idiot.” With that Farren stood up and made his way to the stairs. “You’re a very brave man. Truly inspiring.”

He pretends not to hear the catch in Dorian’s breath as he called out. “You’re far to kind hearted. You simplistic idiot.”

Farren just walked on, back up the stairs, back into his room. He ended up sleeping that night, though fighting off the nightmares was hard. In the morning he got a message that Bull wanted to talk. His heart began to race, did he want to talk about their relationship. Not that they had one, but did Bull want to start one. Farren’s mind raced as he ate then made his way downstairs. He even wore his new outfit, the one Vivienne picked out for him.

Bull was outside training Krem again, by the god did he look good in motion. Farren shook his head clearing his mind before approaching. “Am I interrupting something?”

Neither of them stopped but Bull let out a chuckle, it wasn’t right, though, less warm than normal. “Not at all Boss, I wanted to talk to you. I got a message from my people.”

“The qunari?”, this couldn’t be good. The qunari weren’t fond of mages, maybe they’d finally grown tired of having Bull work with so many. 

“Yep”,he said finally stopping and turning to face Farren. “They’re offering an alliance, my people have never done that with a foreign power.”

“So I’d be taking the Qun’s virginity? What a lovely thought.” That made Bull laugh, a real laugh not like before. “What would this get us? More spies?”

“Most likely ships, listen they wouldn’t have said alliance if they didn’t mean it. They are prepared to help.”

Krem who had just finished chugging a water skin walked over to them. “The chief's gonna bring us so you don’t have to bring the whole inner circle for this one.”

“Okay then. I guess I could bring Cole and Cassandra. Limit the number of mages.”

Bull nodded at Krem who promptly left leaving them alone to talk. “Cassandra’s fine but you sure you wanna bring the kid?”

“Varric and the Qun don’t get on. I could bring Sera but I can’t picture that going well, can you? Bringing Blackwall is out because he’s currently training the soldiers, need him here.” The silence between them grew heavy, it was clear that Bull had something on his mind, was there something about this he wasn’t sharing? “You okay Bull?”

“I'm just used to them being far away, now they’ll be here.”

“Isn’t that good, though? I thought that qunari wanted to spread their beliefs all over the world.”

“We do - it’s just, it’s not something I thought I’d live to see. It can be a good life Boss, for some. For others, it can be hell.”

“Well, it’s not like their here to convert us right? Everything gonna be fine Bull.” It was clear that Bull suspected something ,but he wasn’t about to share. 

He left Bull to his thoughts and went to prepare, only to find Solas waiting for him in his room. 

“I came to speak with you but it’s clear you’re busy, my apologize.”

“No Solas it’s fine. What is it you need me to do? Anything for a friend.”

Solas leaned against the wall, eyes scanning over the room. It felt like he was simultaneously judging everything and couldn’t care less. “I wanted to talk, get your perspective on things.”

“You came all the way up here just to talk?” He couldn’t help but smile, Solas had sought him out this time. “Alright, what did you want my perspective on.”

“Your past, or rather the future you witnessed.” Well there went his good mood. “You saw some horrible things, and I’ve noticed you sleeping less and less. I was hoping to help you.”

“Solas I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.”

“I know that Farren, but you aren’t. You don’t seem to be trying just avoiding.”

“When you have a kid then talk to me about my coping methods.” Farren snapped, growling low under his breath and grabbed his pack. “I know I’m not handling it well okay? I just can’t try to sort through the mess in my head right now. Opening up that wound, opening up all of those wounds was not an option. Solas it would hurt too much and I’m in no state to deal with that kind of pain.” He genitally placed some clothes in, and a few good books.

“Forgive me I was merely concerned about you is all.”

“No need to apologize I understand, I’m just tired of being tired. I’m so tired of being tired and hurting. Not like I change that, though. Anyway, I need to finish up some paperwork before I leave tomorrow.”

“You're leaving, where to?”

“Meeting with the Qun.” Farren could practically feel Solas’s irritation. He was not fond of the Qun. To be honest neither was Farren, he couldn’t be with how they treated their mages.

“Then I wish you luck, do try and avoid any that have sewing needles.” With that last comment, Solas left. 

That was so helpful, not like he wasn’t already nervous about this meeting. A meeting with people who did indeed sew the mouths of mages shut. Farren once again shook his head to clear his mind. A nice bath would help. He used his magic to heat the water as the tub filled up. Waiting for the heat rune to activate always took to long. He sank in and let his head lean over the back. Closing his eyes he let the warm water pull him under. Not wanting to fall asleep in the tub climbed out after an hour of soaking. He was dressing when Dorian burst into his room. 

“I don’t know if you know this Dorian but here in the south we knock.”

Dorian rolled his eyes and leaned back against the wall. “I honestly never picture you with muscles, you look so wiry in armor. Though that’s beside the point, are you going to meet with the Qun?”

Glad I can still manage to surprise you. Also no I’m not meeting with the Qun, I don’t think I can meet with the whole of the Qun. Just some representatives I think.”

“You’re taking me with you, right? You just forgot to ask in the rush of thing. When do we head out?”

“We don’t. Bull, Cassandra, Cole, and I are going. You aren’t coming along.”

“Oh? Why not?” Dorian had a look of concern on his face, though he was doing his best to mask it.

“Magic. I’m only going because I have to, best not to bring any other mages. Best not to piss off the Qun right when they’re offering an alliance.”

“You’re going to ally with those brutes? You do understand that if they had their way your mouth would be sewn shut.”

“Dorian lets be real here, they’d kill me out right, I’m far to disobedient. That, however, is beyond the point. I have to go, it’s my job, and I have to play nice because that’s also my job.”

All he got in response was a shake of the head as Dorian turned to leave. “Just stay safe, would you? It’d be a pity to lose my best friend to something so stupid.”

“No need to worry, I can take care of myself.” 

Dorian left and Farren had a runner go tell Cole and Cassandra to pack, though he had a feeling Cole already knew. After he’d packed Farren felt it best to lay down, get some sleep. Sleep never came, he just lingered on the threshold between awake and dreaming. Still, it was better than forcing himself to stay awake. That morning they all shared a quick breakfast before setting out. Despite the beauty of the day, everyone seemed tense. 

The Chargers looked on edge and ready to kill. Bull looked indifferent like he was hiding whatever it was he was feeling. Farren wanted to ask if he was okay but that would only be met with deflections. They rode in mostly silence, it was odd considering Bull seemed to talk no matter what, but this clearly had him out of himself. 

They arrived at the Storm Coast faster than normal, due in large part to the fact that they didn’t really stop often. Bull wasn’t the only one who wanted to get whatever this really was over. Farren doubted they called them over just to help with red lyrium. This was made more evident upon meeting Gatt. Bull had saved his life, also Bull’s name wasn’t Bull. Gatt had called him Hissrad, though Bull clearly wasn’t a fan of the name. When Bull went to go tell The Chargers the plan Farren stayed behind. He spoke at length with Gatt. He found out that Bull had kept Serhon clear longer than anyone before him, he was truly amazing.

The rest of it passed in a blur, or maybe it just felt like that because of the rain and the fighting. When it was over, when the fighting had finally stopped Bull was forced to choose. Farren watched waves of emotions flash across his face. Bull wanted to save him, men, damn the Qun. He couldn’t though, not without permission. Farren knew he had to say it, give him the order, he knew Bull couldn’t. 

“Bull save them, blow the horn and bring them back.”

“You do that Hissrad you’ll be declaring yourself Tal-Vashoth!”

Bull didn’t seem to care, though, he called for the retreat, and then turned his gaze back at Gatt. “They’re my men I’m not letting them die.”

“Hissrad how could-” 

“His name is Iron Bull, not Hissrad,” Farren shouted glaring at Gatt, how dare he, how dare they try and force Bull to kill his family. That’s what The Chargers were, family. 

Gatt just mumbled something under his breath and left. Standing side by side Farren said nothing, there were no words for this. When the ship blew up Bull visibly flinched before turning around and leaving. The ride back to Skyhold was met with an equally cold silence. They arrived back and Bull looked no better if anything he looked worse.

Farren kept trying to talk to him but each time he did Bull gave him some excuse and left. They spoke briefly about a week after returning, but it was only because Gatt had come by. After he left Bull went back to pretending he was okay, and avoiding Farren. It was hard getting Bull alone normally, people tended to flock towards his warm smile and laughter. Now though Bull was going out of his way to not be alone. Bringing someone new to his room each night. Farren saw the men and women leaving each morning when he tried to check on Bull.

Two weeks passed and Farren still hadn’t really talked to Bull. Finally, though, finally, a runner came to get him. Bull wanted to talk on the battlements, but it just turned out he wanted back up. Still to closed off to talk, still too angry and confused. Nothing he said seemed to matter, nothing he did seemed to changed anything. Maybe becoming Tal-Vashoth wasn’t the right choice? Did Bull wish he’d given a different order?

“You okay?” What a stupid question, of course, he wasn’t okay. “Those blades might have been poisoned.”

“Oh, they were definitely poisoned, saar-qamek liquid form. I’ll be fine, though, I’ve dosing myself with the antidote.” Bull turned around and made his way towards the door.

“Can we talk later? I’ll buy you a drink.” He was desperate, he wanted to make sure Bull was okay.

“Sure Boss”, and with that he left.

Farren was unsure of what to do and spent most of the day thinking about it. His paperwork and training suffered because of it. Still, he pressed on focusing on what’d he’d say to Bull. He walked in the tavern at a little past ten. Bull was drinking with some of the female mages, but when he spotted Farren he sent them away. Farren true to his word bought Bull a drink before sitting down. The silence returned, though, he still had no idea how to fix this.

“Are you happy?”

Bull turned to him eye opened wide. “Am I happy?”

“With how this all turned out I mean.”

“I’ve killed more the a dozen of Tal-Vashoth, too many to count. Now I’m one of them. I keep wondering how long before I lose control? How long before I hurt someone I care about? The Qun keeps are more aggressive nature in check. Who am I without it.”

“You’re The Iron Bull, leader of The Bull’s Chargers. You’re a wonderful friend, you’re smart and funny. You are so much without the Qun, and if you start to slip I’ll pull you back.”

“And if you can’t? If the only options is to kill me? Could you?”

Farren took a deep breath and looked down. “I wouldn’t want to, in fact, I’d hate you for making me, but yes, yes I would. I’d kill you, Bull, if it came to it.”

“Thanks, Farren”, he downed the whole tankard before smiling at Farren. It wasn’t a real smile, but it was close.

“Don’t do that, you don’t have to pretend with me Bull, I’m not going anywhere.” That look, so open, laid bare and wanting. Did he truly think Farren would flee if he dared show how much he was hurting? That he was lost? “If you’re not happy don’t smile, I can wait ‘till it’s real. I’ve got an hour at least before the world falls apart again/”

Bull laughed a soft laugh, a real laugh. “Thanks, Boss.”

“Hey, tomorrow were gonna slay that dragon in the Hinterlands. Wanna come?”

“Fuck yeah! I’ve been waiting for us to go slay that thing.”

They sat there and talked, nothing serious, nothing deep. It was nice, they could sit there in the corner and just avoided they’re problems. Maybe it wasn’t healthy but nothing they did really was. Why start now? The tavern slowly emptied and Farren found himself once again in Bull’s bedroom. He laid back on the warm bed after taking his boots off.

“You sure you don’t mind me staying?”

“Nah, I like sharing a bed, bit of a sleep cuddler.”

“Of course, you are”, Farren sighed and pressed himself to Bull’s side. “Goodnight Bull. Sweet dreams”

Maybe Bull said something after but Farren was already asleep. He slept soundly with no nightmares, and upon waking found Bull still asleep beside by him. He left a note before leaving, he didn’t want Bull to think he left because of him. With that done he walked back to his room to prepare for the day ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titles inspired by East of Eden - Zella Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bex9bA7oQwA


	7. His whisper splits the mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farren meets a hero of his and finally, gets some alone time with Bull. Though it doesn't turn out the way he thought it would.

Blood dripped down his head, running over his left eye, painting the world around him red. Screams sounded from all around Farren, but he didn’t dare glance back. He swung his sword again into the soft underbelly of the dragon. He could see beside him Blackwall trying to avoid getting his by its massive tail swing. Suddenly he felt a strong arm wrap around his waist. A loud battle cry rang out as Bull dragged him backward.

“You’ve gotta be more careful, Boss! That dragon could kill you, and you’re not wearing much in the way of armor. Don’t risk your life like that!”

“I’ve got a barrier up, I’ll be fine,” Farren shouted as he struggled to get loose from the grip. “I know what I’m doing Bull now PUT.ME.DOWN!” Bull dropped him, and as soon as Farren hit the ground he cast Resurgence. He could feel the pull of magic, the veil around him warping and wrapping like a second skin. He could see everyone’s injuries healing. He could see Sera, who Dorian was trying to get up suddenly spring back and look around in shock.

Bull looked down at him with a smirk. “Gonna be able to do that again?”

“Not gonna need to,” Farren called out as he yet again charged the dragon. He could feel his barrier wain for a moment before his blade hit. The sudden rush of magic around him was comforting. A familiar feeling in such unfamiliar circumstances. They fought the dragon for another 40 minutes. Driving it up the mountain back to its perch, and when it was close to death Farren order everyone back, as Bull drove his greatsword into its skull. The blood sprayed against his torso, rolling off like drops of sweat. Farren despite the scene found himself growing hard just watching. He really didn’t want to read to much into why a man covered in blood got him so worked up. No, best to avoid that line of thought altogether. 

They began looting the dragon, stealing scales and teeth. Farren watched as Bull and Casandra cut open its stomach and pulled things from it. It was odd to see something so powerful felled. More aptly felled by them. This was a group of people who though talented didn’t always agree. It took quite a bit of teamwork to fell a dragon. He took it as a good sign that not only had they, but they didn’t lose anyone in the process.

“I can’t believe we survived that!” Farren shouted turned around, running a blood covered hand through his dark red hair, it was hard to tell the colors apart. “I was sure at least Dorian would die.”

Everyone laughed as Dorian turned and glared at him. “Why were you so sure I’d die? I’m not even the one who collapsed, Sera did.”

“You mostly use fire and necromancy, not helpful fighting a fire-breathing dragon.” Farren laughed as Dorian muttered something under his breath to the effect of _‘go fuck yourself’_. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Cassandra pulling something out of the dragon. “Hey toss me that.” 

The day went on like that. Once they’d picked the dragon clean _much like vultures_ they went back to camp for a long rest. Fighting it had taken hours and they were tired and hungry. Farren fell asleep almost instantly, he was thankful for once it was a dreamless sleep. He woke to the smell of food and the sound of voices. It was sunset, the sky had been painted in soft shades of pink and purple. Bull and Solas were talking by the fire, everyone else was clearly still sleeping. Fighting the dragon had taken its toll.

“I must admit Bull you are far better at chess than I gave you credit for.”

“You’re not so bad yourself fadewalker,” Bull said with a warm laugh that made Farren’s chest ache. “Morning Boss, well night actually. Either way, we got food ready if you’re hungry.”

Farren didn’t even get to answer before his stomach growled. “I suppose I am.” He muttered as he sat down by Solas. Keeping his distance from Bull was best right now. He still longed to lick every inch of the man and being right next to him only made those urges more pronounced. Right now Bull needed time not pressure from him. He was still trying to figure out who he was without the Qun, and Farren didn’t want to risk hurting him. Or ruining their friendship. He was doing his best to give him space. 

Bull handed over a full bowl of stew with a soft smile. “You okay? You look a little shaky.”

“I’m unsure, I think it’s just hunger.” Farren pinched the bridge of his nose at the familiar feeling of a headache coming on. “Though I may have overtaxed myself with that last burst of lightning. Keeping the sword up and using my magic is much harder than I thought. I’m used to doing it in short burst not for so long.”

“You gotta build up your stamina then. Can’t have you tiring out so quickly can we?” Bull winked, though technically it could be considered a blink as he did only have one eye. Which didn’t really help Farren as his face grew as he still blushed all the same? 

“I have great stamina where it counts I’ll have you know. No one’s ever complained.”

“Maybe not to your face, maybe there all too polite to tell you.”

Farren swallowed the food in his mouth and smirked. “I can assure everyone I’ve ever taken to bed has been well satisfied.”

“Do I need to be in between you two as you flirt?” Solas said snapping Farren out of his train of though. “I’m going for a walk, lethallin you should join me when you’re done.” With that Solas left, and Farren knew it wasn’t a request. No matter how pleasantly it was disguised, something was wrong he could sense it.

“I wonder what that’s about.” Bull was looking at him, that green eye barring into him. 

“I have no idea, maybe all of that flirting upset him, he seems rather lonely sometimes, either way, I should go.” Farren set down his mostly empty bowl and followed after Solas.

They walked for a few minutes until the campsite was no longer visible. “You need to be careful.” He sounded concerned, nervous even.

“What? I was being careful during the fight! I kept my barrier up the whole time Solas. I knew what I was doing.I am no child and that clearly wasn’t my first fight!”

“Not during the fight. You did very well fighting the dragon I must say. No, I meant with The Iron Bull. It’s clear you two are growing close Farren. Be careful, I’d hate to see you hurt.”

Farren paused and smiled. “I’ll be careful mom, I promise. No need to worry as I said I’m no child, I’ve got this.”

Solas rolled his eyes and began walking forward. “Would you like to join me? I heard about some old ruins I’d like to explore.”

Farren couldn’t help but laugh, how did Solas always find out about these things? “That sounds like fun.” 

Exploring the ruin was more like walking around as Solas pointed out interesting things, he knew so much about everything Farren felt stupid by comparison. They walked around for some time before returning to the camp, just as the moon rose high in the sky. Everyone was awake having slept all day. Sera and Bull had taken to drinking, trying to outdo each other, which would only end badly for Sera. Farren sat down beside Dorian and just watched, took in the sight of his friends, his inner circle, the people he’d come to trust. It was nice knowing that despite how dire things felt they could still have fun. They went back to sleep for a while awakening shortly after sunrise. The journey back to Skyhold was longer than back to Haven. So they had to get up earlier.

Upon arriving Farren found himself bogged down in more and more work. Rarely having time to even breath. It was meeting after meeting, noble after noble. It all began to blur together after awhile. It was as he was reading over a plan for the troops that he heard a knock on his door.

“Yes?”, he called out waiting nervously at the sound of heavy footfall, dreading the sight of more paperwork. 

Standing there, however, was Hawke, looking disheveled and amused. “How are you Lord Inquisitor? Oh, wait you don’t like being called that, my bad.”

He fought the urge to flinch at the sound of his title, it felt heavier with each passing day. “It’s fine, I’m fine, and you? How are you fairing Hawke?”

“So formal.” Hawke laughed and leaned against the desk, smirking. “I just got a letter from Anders and felt I should update you. Sylas is coming with Zedd.I had no idea she’d bring him, bold move on her part.”

“Sylas?” The name sounded familiar, tickled a memory in the back of his mind.

“Sylas is Zedd’s brother. His father was the keeper and died his mom left him, Zedd’s mother took him in. I’ve talked to him before, very relaxed guy, very calm, outside of combat.” The memory suddenly came to him, rumors of the second of clan Sabrae being a blood mage. He guessed his look gave away his worries as Hawke spoke up again. “He’s a good guy. I know you’re worried about the blood magic thing, don’t be. He isn’t gonna bind demons, he isn’t gonna control anyone's mind. He’s a healer first, fight second, blood mage third. Trust me I’ve spoken to him about it.”

Farren leaned back in his chair now focusing fully on Hawke. “I thought blood mages couldn’t be healers?”

“Sylas was a healer before becoming a blood made.I think if you practice binding demons the blood magic conflicts with healing, other than that it shouldn’t. At least as far as I know.” Hawke stood up and smiled at him, suddenly Farren felt his cheeks grow warm. “I have to get back Fenris is waiting. Have a good day Lavellan.”

Farren took a moment just to sit and think. Was it safe to have a blood mage in Skyhold? So many people didn’t trust regular mages, this could spark a conflict. A major one at that. Still, he had little time to speculate as the mountain of paperwork threatened to over take him. For two days he worked and worked. Meetings,dealing with the nobility,paper work,and training. He could feel his will growing thin, he longed for a break. His latest letter from Ghila being the only thing that kept him going. Even that felt tainted with each nightmare. Though he was fighting them as hard as he could they still crept in, it was rare for him to find peace in sleep. After another meeting he was walking up to his room, to caught up in his reading to notice his guest.

“You busy boss?” The voice rang out from behind him. 

Farren jumped slightly and dropped his papers. “Bull, you scared me. Are you trying to send me to an early grave?” He asked with a laugh as he reached down and gathered up his papers, placing them on the desk before turning around. “What brings you all the way up to my quarters?”

Bull stood slowly and moved close, backing Farren against the desk. “You’ve been very… forthright about wanting me Farren, and I want you too. Naked, on that bed, but I want you to know what that entails.” Farren’s eyes glazed over as Bull pressed a knee to his groin. “I know what you need, I just want to make sure I give it to you safely. So we should talk first. Lay out some ground rules.”

“Do we have to?” He whined sounding a bit like a petulant child. “I say we try and see how far your cock can get down my throat. I don’t have a gag reflex ya know.” Farren sounded breathless,eager.

“We need to talk first. I’m not gonna risk hurting you.”

So Bull dragged him over to the bed where they sat in silence. “You want to dominate me right? I’m okay with that. I’ve done it before and liked it. I know I don’t like anything with knives or pissing, shitting for that matter too. Anything else we’ll have to discuss, figure out as we go. Assuming this is more than a one-time thing.”

“That all? Nothing else you want me to avoid?”

“Bull I’m not fragile. I won’t break if you insult me or spank me too hard. I’ll tell you when it’s too much. We just need a watchword.”

“I use katoh, and beyond that, I’m not saying you’re weak Farren, everyone, that includes me, has limits. So do you have any limits? Anything else you’d like me to avoid.”

Farren closed his eyes and leaned back against the wooden support. “Maybe don’t choke me, or call me a good boy, and right now I’d prefer to keep the movement of my limbs.” He felt a tinge of embarrassment at saying all that.

Bull gave him a look, not a judging one merely curious. “That all? You sure you got nothing else you wanna tell me before we start?” He flinched when Bull leaned in and look him in the eye. “You need to tell me anything that might set you off, okay? I don’t wanna hurt you. Not in a way you don’t enjoy.”

His mind raced, calling upon images of Vee. He could feel her standing beside him, mocking him. The voice in his head tell him he wasn’t good enough sounded just like her, and it was growing ever louder. He longed to make her silent, make the feeling go away. Telling Bull, though? That didn’t seem like an option. He’d run out the door before Farren could blink. No one wanted to know how broken the person they were gonna fuck was. Looking up at Bull, though, he looked genuine, like he cared. Maybe, though, maybe it was okay to tell him? Maybe he did care enough not to leave? They were friends, after all, he’d seen Farren break down over Ghila, maybe it was okay to share this part of himself too.

“My ex-wife, did I ever tell you about her?”

“Yeah, not in too much detail, though.”

“Would you like to hear a story, our story.” Farren stood up, sitting while sharing this made him feel trapped. He looked over as Bull nodded, whose expression was carefully masked. “She joined the clan when I was 15 and I fell hard. She was so funny,smart, beautiful. She didn’t notice me, though, not until I turned 20. She was 27 at the time and still as beautiful as the day she joined. I felt honored she even spoke to me. She was a goddess, what could I have done to get her to even look at me.” 

He stopped, taking a deep breath before turning to face the window, this was hard, harder than sharing with family. “She smiled at me one day and I was done. Anything to keep her happy, anything to see her smile again. Cut my hair cause she preferred men with short hair. Started working out more cause she liked muscles. One day she invites me to this cave, it had an outcropping and we laid beneath the stars. It was like all the romance novels I’d read, only better. We had the kind of sex I only dreamed of, hoped for. The longer we were together though the worse she got. She made me stop working, called me a whore, said she didn’t date whores. It tore me apart just to hear her say that. She apologized sure, she even bought me a new book. Convinced me quitting was for my own good. One day after we’d been dating for months we got into a fight and she slapped me. I left. Though like an idiot after a few weeks of her saying sorry I went back. It became a pattern, she’d hurt me and then buy me something and say sorry. Sometimes if it was bad enough I’d leave for a while.”

Farren could feel tears running down his cheeks, he felt the lump in his throat grow bigger. He had to keep going, though, he needed to finish telling Bull. He had to tell someone besides Cy. “The bar for what was bad enough just kept raising. Until the first night she…” The word caught in his throat and burned when he forced it out. “When she first raped me. Hands around my throat, _’You stupid whore, good for nothing. Just lay there and let me have my fun Farren. Be a god boy for me, won’t you? You like it right? So hard, just like a good whore.’_. I can still hear her saying that to me. I left, but she said sorry, cried, begged, and I…like a fucking fool ran back. The raping got worse, the beatings got worse. I considered killing myself just so I didn’t have to face her anymore. Then she got pregnant.” 

At this point, he moved back to the bed still not looking at Bull. “She was so kind while pregnant. I did anything she asked, she never hit me, never even really yelled. Once Ghila was born, she grew cold, colder then I’d ever seen her. I could feel it and I was gonna leave, I was scared she would hurt Ghila. I waited too long, though, and Ghila got sick. I was too scared leaving might make her worse. So one day I had gone into town to buy some books, figure out what was wrong. I’d ask my grandmother but she couldn’t tell. No one could tell me. I came back early, I’d found a book that I thought explained her symptoms and wanted to brew a potion. When I walked in however I saw a vial of poison, heavily, heavily diluted poison. I wondered why Vee even had it, I’d gotten rid of anything toxic when she got pregnant. As I walked further in I didn’t see Ghila or Vee anywhere. I looked outside and I saw her standing there, feeding Ghila the poison, not a lot, just enough to keep her sick. I lost it, screamed, my magic went wild and almost caught the aravel on fire. We fought and I can honestly say my only real memory of it is slamming her head into a tree.”

The silence felt suffocating as his story came to a close. His mind raced as Bull stood up. He was leaving, of course, he was leaving. Farren knew he would, and who could blame him? He’d just had to hear all of that, of course, he’d leave. Any sane person would. Having heard all that why would anyone stick around. He was clearly broken beyond repair. Clearly worthless,weak,why stay?

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” The words came out between clenched teeth with a growl beneath them. Farren looked up and saw Bull clenching his fists, he looked, well Farren couldn’t describe it but pissed would do fine. “You shouldn’t have had to… Fuck! If I ever meet this bitch I’m gonna kill her. Just give me a minute alone with her, let me make her suffer first.”

The laugh came out more as a reaction to Bull’s expression than his words. “You’ll have to get in line big man. My mom wants first go and she’s earned it. I mean raising me was hard enough before the magic, afterward, well let's just say she learned quickly how much direct contact with lightning one could take.”

Bull turned back to him and laughed, not his normal laugh, no. This one was deeper, softer, more private. After a moment he sat back down and sighed heavily. “You gotta tell me immediately if I do something she did if I make you feel uncomfortable okay?”

“I will,” Farren mumbled as Bull covered both his hand with one large gray one.

“I mean it, Farren, anything I do that scares you, sets you off, anything. Tell me. I need to know because I really don’t wanna send you back into that kind of head space. I care too much about you to do that to you. Also, I’m not an asshole.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “I know. I’m guessing sex is off the table for tonight, huh?”

Bull just looked down and let out another sigh. “Yeah, we should take some time, after all, that. We can try again soon, though.I promise, but you need some time, I don’t wanna do this while you’re venerable, I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Can I at least get a kiss? One little kiss? That can’t hurt me.”

Farren was 30 years old, and saying he’d been kissed many times was an understatement. Though none of those kisses felt like this. None so slow, none that burned the way this one did, a fire that threatened to consume him. He could feel the lips moving against his, chapped, dry, warm lips, and despite trying he couldn’t stop the soft moan that spilled past his. It was then that Bull thrust his tongue inside. Farren was helpless to the feeling, a prisoner to pleasure that he felt. His mind was going blank. He moaned softly with each second that passed. Everything felt hazy when they pulled apart and Bull stood up.

“I’d love to stay and keep going but you need rest. I really wish we could keep going and I know you do to, but we should wait. And I want you to know I don’t mind waiting. Not for someone like you.” Bull whispered in a low voice, almost a growl. Farren smiled and kissed his cheek.

“I’m gonna sleep then, and thank you for listening.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to share.”

With that Bull left and Farren found himself asleep soon after. For once he didn’t have a nightmare. Nor was his sleep dreamless. Instead, he dreamed of Bull rutting into him like a man possessed until he filled him up. Which left Farren with a problem upon waking the next morning. One he hadn’t had in some time and it was funny, well it would be once he dealt with it. He laid in bed for awhile trying to decide if it was worth it to get off. He decided just to leave it, too lazy to bother with it. Preferring to take a quick shower and go about his day.

Thankfully for him, the day was supposed to be rather light (by Josephine’s standards). She had him down for only five meetings after his morning gathering in the war room. Five meetings with people who just wanted to complain, and not do anything. He cared far more about the poor people who couldn’t make it then the nobles. The nobles whose main concern was their land and not their people. It made him so angry some days, but he was careful to never show it.

He ate quickly and made his way into the war room. It felt odd walking in, staring at a table with note cards that decided the fates of innocent people. Does he send soldiers to help here or there? Does he send spies or diplomats? He could read and reread the information, but sometimes it was just a guessing a game. Sometimes he stood there with no idea and guessed, and prayed he’d made the right choice. Today they were discussing plans for sending The Chargers back through Haven when the doors swung open.

“Honey, I’m home.”, a woman shouted, an elven woman, dalish to be more specific. She had long black hair and tan skin, her eyes were a deep forest green, and she smiled so bright it lit the room. The armor, though, the armor is what gave her away. Grey Warden armor, custom made from the hide of the archdemon. 

“Zedd!” Leliana shouted as she rushes over desperate to hold her. “When did you get here? Your last letter put you a week away. How are you here already?” From where he was standing Farren could see tears rolling down Leliana’s cheek. 

Zedd was crying too, eyes full of tears that did nothing to dampen her smile. “We got here about ten minutes ago, and I wanted to surprise you. I may have lied just a little. Forgive me?” Leliana just nodded and pulled her in closer.

From behind her, he could see a number of people and even a dog. All dressed in similar armor, all looking tired and happy. They walked into the room one by one and took to leaning against the walls. Cullen sent a runner to go gather Fenris, Hawke, and the inner circle. The whole time though Zedd and Leliana just stood there. It was only after everyone else arrived that they finally separated. Still holding hands, however, Leliana walked back to her spot, Zedd trailing behind. 

“I suppose I should do introductions right? That’s part of my job I guess. The names Azalea but everyone calls me Zedd, and no I won’t explain why. In order from left to right, you have my brother Sylas. The worlds… okayest dwarf Oghren. Next to him is Nathaniel Howe, tried to kill me now were like best friends. Then beside him is Velanna also tried to kill me. She’s alright as well, can be a tad bitchy, though. That’s Sigrun she’s my favorite as she didn’t try to fucking kill me. Then you have that piece of shit Loghain Mac Tir who ALSO tried to kill me. Oh and Anders the mage that blew up that chantry. Oh, oh and my dog Barkspawn who never tried to kill me, and is a good boy.”

Looking over the group it was clear that most felt a little bad about how they met. Farren could see it written clear as day on their faces. Well except Loghain, he was remarkably hard to read. His face gave nothing away. Anders, on the other hand, laughed when she introduced him. Shaking his head slightly at her comment. It was just after she finished that the dwarf with the long beard, Oghren fell over.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Farren asked moving a bit closer to him.

“He should be just fine. That drunk has fallen on far harder things.” A voice said from behind him causing Farren to spin around, and draw the dagger he kept at his hip.

He hadn’t heard the man enter, nor had he seen him before, or felt him get close. He was dressed in dark leather armor very different from the others. His hair was a soft blonde and his skin was dark. His accent though was thick and Antivan. He smirked at Farren before stepping further into the room and slipping beside Sylas.

“Zevran do try and behave,” Sylas said softly, he turned to Farren and offered an apologetic smile.

“If I behaved we’d have no fun, mi amor.”

“Antiva wasn’t fun if you recall. It was also all your fault.”

Zevran rolled his eyes and flipped a dagger effortlessly in the air. “We got out of it, everything turned out fine. Well, mostly fine.”

“What did you two do in Antiva?” Leliana asked fixing them both with a glare. A glare that looked more terrifying than the one she’d given Dorian in the false future.

“Zevran was trying to kill a target. One who the crows had a contract out on as well. Needless to say, things got messy, and we destroyed a palace. Which was Zevran’s fault.”

“We need to talk about that Zevran. Later, though, now, however, we must get back to work. I presume you bring news and information.” 

Everyone turned to Zedd as she began to speak. “I have an ally that might be able to help. I’ve also got my spies running around gathering information, and helping any people they can. What I bring however is the sight your new friend plans to raise his fucking demon army. My people have been scouting it out. He’s heading to Adamant Fortress, it’s an old Grey Warden fortress. It stands on the very edge of the Abyssal Rift a massive, and I cannot stress this enough massive chasm.The fortress may look kinda small, but is sturdy, it’ll be hard to take, but no worries you’re gonna have help. My men can assist.“

“We’ll need a plan, taking a fortress that old, one that’s stood to other sieges is gonna be difficult. I’ll do my best to minimize casualties.” Cullen said as he began looking over the made Zedd had laid down.

It was after Cullen spoke that she finally looked at him. “Hey, Cullen!” She said stretching out his name in an almost pleasant manner. The way friends sometimes did, though clearly she wasn’t friendly with him. “It’s been a long time! I heard you’ve left the templars.” He looked unnerved as Zedd moved closer to him. “You look better. Then again last time I saw you-you were acting crazy. You were telling me to kill innocent mages, and now look at you. Funny how times change. How they make people think they can escape the horrors they inflicted. At least it’s funny to me.”

Cullen flinched as she slapped him on the arm in a yet again friendly manner. Before he could respond Sylas spoke up. “If you recall he was in a great deal of pain. In fact, if you’d just bore witness to what he had killing all the mages would have seemed sane to. Blood magic when used like they were can kill 100s. Do you remember how hard it was to fight the giant pride demon? You shouldn’t judge less you be judged Az.”

“I hate when you call me that.” She growled before turning to glare at him. “He wanted to kill all the mages, this fucker didn’t care that it was his job to protect them. He just wanted them dead. That could have been you, Celestine!” 

“Sylas.” He corrected her with a roll of his eyes. “I apologize, Cullen, she’s a bit hostile. Anders is being hunted you see. Coming here puts him at risk, and it’s not as though we can’t be here. Your people will demand their pound of flesh, and we won’t comply. This will cause problems.”

Cullen nodded and straightened up. “I promise I will do everything in my power to ensure Anders safety while he’s here.”

“You never did before why start now?” Zedd mumbled as she slouched against the back wall.

“Thank you, Commander,” Anders spoke and all eyes suddenly fell to him. “I appreciate the offer but I am more the capable of handling myself.”

“Do you think they’ll want me to hold a trial?” Farren asked feeling a sudden wave of nerves.

“Most likely.” Zedd had at this point returned to the spot beside Leliana. “Anders does need to be judged, but by the Wardens only, and only for running off and leaving the Wardens. I will not allow anyone else to decide his fate. I will fight whole armies if that becomes necessary, and let me a assure you I will win.”

“You aren’t objective, maybe someone else should judge him,” Vivienne said as she stepped closer to the table.

“And you are?”

“Madame Vivienne de Fer.”

“And I should care about you why? I don’t even know you so forgive me if I care little about what you say. You look like a pampered noble so stay out of Warden business”

“It’s more of a mage matter you see. His actions have affected all mages, so it’s a mage problem, therefore he should be judged by a mage. Even if that mage was never in a circle.”

Farren looked around the room and sighed. It was clear that this would lead nowhere good. “How about we discuss this tomorrow okay? The Wardens need to get settled in any way.” After a second everyone nodded and began leaving. Farren yet again returned to his meeting.

As the day wore on he heard more and more people talking about Anders. It was clear they wanted and were most likely going to demand a trial. He was so fucked. Well and truly fucked. He couldn’t judge Anders, he wasn’t a Warden so it would cause problems between him and Mahariel. Even if he was allowed to what would he say? _“Hey Anders I agree with everything you did, want a cookie?”_ That wouldn’t work out well at all. He didn’t really have time for it anyway. A crazed darkspawn magister was attacking. He wasn’t about to judge a mage whose only crime was killing 12 people to start a revolution. That was a lot of bodies but he’d killed more. So many more than that lately so who was he to judge.

His day just seemed to drag on. People taking at him, telling him what to do, who to help, who to talk to. Never a question always a demand. They looked down on him even with the mark. In their minds, he was a means to an end. Bought and paid for already. It was trying. So when the day was done he figured he’d earned a bath. A chance to relax with some oils Dorian gave him. They made the water turn a soft pink. The scent calmed him as he slipped in. He lost track of how long he’d been in the tub when someone knocked.

Quickly Farren jumped out of the tub, pulling a towel around himself as he leaned over the banister and shouted: “Come in.” Then ducking back into the bathroom to drain the tub and dress. He put on his comfortable clothes, a pair of loose fitting pants and an equally loose fitting shirt. Walking out he noticed Bull standing in the center of his room.

His eye wandered up and down Farren’s lithe frame, letting out an appreciative grunt before walking closer. “I was hoping we could try again. I know it may seem soon but I want you, and I think you want me too. You up for it?”

He was more than up for it, he was aching for it. Words caught in his throat as Bull moved closer. “Y-yeah I’m up for it.”

“You sure? Do you remember that watchword I gave you?”

“Yes. Katoh. It was only yesterday Bull, I’m not so old I’d forget that fast.” 

Bull just laughed and finally closed in. With a finger, he tilted Farren’s chin up and smiled. It was a soft kiss, tender, meant to show that Bull was willing to go slow. He drug it out, moving his lips gently against Farren’s. Who in turn left out a soft moan, and Bull took that as a sign to deepen the kiss. His tongue teased Farren’s lips before pushing in. The noise he got in return was beyond worth the effort. The soft moans that Farren found he couldn’t stop. The way he shivered and pressed closer only seemed to spur Bull on.

He found himself gripping at Bull’s shoulders, and moaning a little louder as he was hoisted up, and then slowly laid on the bed. They took their time enjoying the kiss. Farren found himself grinding against Bull’s thigh as he got hard from the kiss. His brain was slowly turning off as the pleasure filled his body. It had been so long since he’d felt this good. 

“Ahh fuck. B-Bull I need a second, please.” He panted head falling back against the pillows. His body seemed to be burning from the inside out.

“No problem, ” Bull said in between kisses to Farren’s neck. “How about I undress you?”

Farren’s face grew hotter as he nodded. He could feel the blush running down his shoulders and chest. He was embarrassed that Bull could do this much to him in so little time. His body burned with longing, he needed this, needed him. He’d do anything just so long as Bull kept touching him, kept talking to him in that tone. He was helpless to the feeling, but he didn’t feel helpless to Bull.

“You look so cute like this. I wonder what I should do to you. So many idea, so little time tonight.” Bull gave him another slow once over. “Maybe something simple? Take it easy on you since it’s been a while. How ‘bout I finger you while you stroke your cock, huh? That sound good?”

The moan Farren let slip sounded wrecked, broken, oh so needy. He nodded again and watched as Bull stepped back. He smirked before undressing himself. “You enjoying the show?”

“Yes, ser.” His cock was twitching leaving droplets of cum against his stomach. He needed this, needed to feel full of something. 

“Ser? My my aren’t you eager for someone to take you. You need this badly don’t you?” Bull climbed back onto the bed while stroking himself. Eye never leaving Farren’s flushed face. “Say it. Tell me how bad you need this. I wanna know that I got you this desperate.”

“Fuck, I’ve been wanting you since I first laid eyes on you. I knew you could fucking wreck me. Use me, own me. Please, Bull, please! I need you so damn badly…”

“Have you touched yourself thinking of me? Gotten yourself off thinking about my thick cock?”

“Yes!” Farren tossed his head back as Bull ran a finger up his aching cock. “Yes I thought about you, now please, please just don’t stop touching me.”

“I don’t plan to. Get me that oil. I’m gonna start opening you up.” With that, Farren rolled over and grabbed the jar of oil on his nightstand. His hand shook slightly as he passed it back. “You nervous? Need me to slow down?” The sudden change in tone caught Farren off guard. He knew Bull was worried about him but seeing it was different. A very good different.

“No it’s just cold in here, I let the fire die down while I was bathing.”

“I can go add some logs to it if you want?”

“No need.” Farren moved his hand in a minute gesture and flung two logs onto the dying fire. He turned back to pull with a confident smirk. “There, now we can get back to the fun.”

Bull smirked and leaned down to whisper in Farren’s ear. “I love seeing you like this, confident, sexy. You don’t have to pretend, though.” He kissed the tip of Farren’s ear before pulling away. “I’m not going anywhere so long as you want me here.”

Farren felt his face grow even more flushed as he looked away. Dammit! He was so used to being good at this, feeling so in control, now he didn’t and it made him feel…odd. Still, he turned back to Bull and smiled. “I know you aren’t you haven’t even gotten to experience my lack of a gag reflex. Or my little lightning trick, and I’d really love to show it too you.”

Bull let out a grunt and pushed his thumb in Farren’s mouth. Neither spoke as Farren sucked on it slowly. Moaning for show as he started to cast, he focused on the familiar feeling and when he released- fucking hell the noise Bull made. It was a loud growl followed by him ripping his thumb away. Panting Bull closed his eye and spoke. “Next time okay. For now, I just wanna see the pretty face you make when you cum.” With that, Bull began coating a finger in the oil. He teased Farren’s hole and smirked as Farren withered and moaned.

“Gods please Bull just, please. Ser please.” It was as Farren was begging that Bull finally pushed his finger in, slowly. “GODS!” Farren arched a little off the bed as the thick finger slowly pushed inside him. “I’ve taken cocks smaller than that thing. Fuck.”

Bull just smirked down at him. “You like this? Imagine what it’s gonna feel like when you’re hanging off my cock. You’re so tight, gonna ruin you, no one's gonna be able to make you cum after I’m done.” Bull began to thrust his finger in and out slowly. The drag of it sent sparked of pleasure running up Farren’s spine. Each movement left him panting. “Stroke your cock for me.”

Farren complied instantly, desperate for anything to lessen the fire burning inside him. It burned him up inside and each slide of his hand on his already leaking cock wasn’t helping. He needed more, need Bull to fill him up, he wanted to be ruined. “More! Please Bull more. I’ll do anything just please.”

“It’s okay, I got you.” Bull eased his finger out, and Farren found himself whining at the loss. His hole feeling empty without that beautiful finger inside him.It was soon replaced with two fingers, and the stretch felt exquisite.The burn of his muscles opening up for Bull, it felt amazing. 

Bull kept his movement slow, but Farren couldn’t. His hand was stripping his cock, he ached for this, longed for some to fill him up. Time seemed to slow as Bull’s fingers hit that spot deep inside Farren. His whole body arched off the bed with a loud shout. He dropped his hand preferring to cling to the sheets. “Bull! Bull, please! Again do that again!”

The fingers began to rubbing his prostate and Farren could feel it. He was done for, no hand on his cock needed. Bull was going to make him cum untouched. Just a few more slow rubs and- nothing. His mind went blank as the pleasure shot through his body. Farren trashed his head against the pillows, gasping as Bull kept milking him, drawing out his orgasm.

“Enough.” Farren panted, a hand shot down to grab Bull’s wrist and still him.

Bull slowly pulled his fingers out and grunted. “Shit knew you were gonna look fucking hot when you came. Didn’t excepted you to cum untouched like that.”

“It’s been a while. Need me to help you with that?” Farren motioned down to Bull’s cock which he was stroking slowly.

“If you want to, you don’t have to.”

Farren reached out and smiled. “I want to, mind if I do something? Magic something that is.”

“That thing you did with your tongue?”

“No, a little heat, not enough to hurt.”

Bull considered it for a moment before nodding. With that Farren moved closer, bringing his face right next to Bull’s thick, leaking cock. He could see it twitch as he let out a breath against the overheated flesh. He warmed his hand with a simple charm before grabbing Bull and stroking.

Bull moaned loudly and grunted as Farren set a fast pace. It was clear it wouldn’t take long. Bull’s hand tangled in Farren's hair as he began kissing down Bull’s scarred thighs, tracing his tongue over some of the older looking marks. His hand moving at a relentless pace. Bull was almost silent when he came. He let out a low, deep growl as he shot rope after rope of hot cum all over Farren’s face. 

Farren couldn’t stop the moan that he let out, he felt so fucking good like this. Covered in Bull’s cum, it smelled so good. So strong, so much like the man himself. He ran a finger through the mess before licking it. “Mmm. You don’t taste half bad.” He locked eyes with Bull and moaned around the finger.

“Fuck, you’re gonna be the death of me ya know that. “ Bull took a deep breath and ran a finger over the mess. He stuck it too Farren’s lips who in turn eagerly licked it off. “Lay down I’m gonna go get a cloth.” He came back and cleaned them both up. Farren smiled as he carefully checked Farren hole for damage despite knowing Farren could heal himself.

“You can stay if you want.” It was an offer he hoped Bull accepted because honestly, he didn’t wanna be alone right then.

“Alright then, make room.” Bull laid down and pulled Farren close. They lay there for a while just talking, not about anything in particular just talking. It felt so good to just lay there and be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: Arctic Monkeys - Catapult https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3LsJMLWN2k
> 
> This chapter has gone through so many rewrites and I think I may never be happy with it. So I've just decided to post it. I hope you all enjoy and sorry for the delay.


	8. Do you want bad?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and the other shoe drops...

Farren wasn’t asleep yet, and that isn’t to say he wasn’t very close. He could feel sleep calling to him, pulling him under into the warm abyss. He could feel it’s smokey tendrils pulling at his mind, weighing him down. His limbs felt heavy with exhaustion. He felt relaxed, and for once wasn’t going to fight it. After what he and Bull had just done he felt incredible. As he began drifting off his head on Bull’s chest he felt something. A tremble in the body beneath him. He could-could hear a noise, the faint sound of…crying?

Bull didn’t cry. He laughed, he sang, he joked, he fucked, he did not (to Farren’s knowledge) cry. There it was however, that noise. The soft gasp that people let out while trying to fight back tears. When he cracked his eyes open a bit he could see a hand clenched in the sheets. When he looked up, fighting his body to move he saw Bull, tears running down his cheek, his eyes unfocused and staring off into the distance. Farren unthinking, so used to comforting people when crying (mostly Ghila) reached his hand out and wiped away the tears.

Bull looked down at him startled, his face laid bare and vulnerable. His eye filled with unshed tears. He was unable to hide his emotions. Farren saw flickers of guilt,fear,despair, and sorrow. How long had he been hiding behind that smile? Moreover what had caused him this pain in the first place? 

“Are you alright?” he asked nervously as he moved closer to Bull. “Do you need to talk?”

“No, I’m fine. Sorry, it’s just been a long couple of weeks. Go back to sleep.”

Farren sat back and shook his head. “I won’t sleep while you’re like this. So tell me what wrong, and please don’t lie. I know it’s something, clearly it’s something Bull.” He paused and then reeled back. “Is it me? Bull did I force you to do something you didn’t want? Did I guilt trip you into all that? By the gods Bull if I hurt you, if I forced you to-”

A hand shot out and gripped his shoulder. “No Farren it’s nothing like that, it’s just, what am I without the Qun? Who am I? How the fuck am I suppose to stay in control? I thought I knew, I thought I was okay. No, apparently I’m not or I wouldn’t have just started…”

“Bull. Why didn’t you say something sooner? Is there- is there anything I can do?” Farren let out a deep sigh and moved a little closer. “You aren’t a killing machine, your not some mindless beast who loves taking lives. You’re a good man, a kind man. You lost your eye for a man you didn’t even know. You wouldn’t hurt anyone who wasn’t trying to kill you. You won’t become some monster.”

“How can you be so sure? Fuck, I’m not even sure.” Bull leaned back against the headboard and closed his eye. “I have no idea what I’m doing. Watching you lay there, Farren I’m so afraid of hurting you, afraid of hurting the people I care about. Right now I’m fine sure, but what about during a fight. I could lose complete control without the Qun.”

“I wish I had something to say that would change this. I wish I knew those magic words that could fix everything Bull. Right now you need time, and a lot of it, but I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere.” Farren climbed back into Bull’s lap and pulled the covers up. “I promise I won’t let you lose control. Now lets try and sleep.” He laid his head back onto Bull’s chest and finally fell asleep.

As he drifted off he heard Bull say, “I hope you’re right about me.”

Upon waking Farren found that Bull was thankfully still asleep. He made quick work of bathing and getting dressed. His meeting with Cullen was early, but he was worried about leaving Bull alone. After last night he must still be feeling pretty raw. He had to go though, he couldn’t afford to be standing around. To many lives rested on his shoulders right now. The question was should he wake Bull or write a note? A note might feel impersonal and after everything Bull shouldn’t think he doesn’t care.

So he leaned over the bed and placed a chaste kiss upon Bull’s lips. “Wake up beautiful.”

Bull, in turn, groaned and cracked his eye open, he smirked. “You look amazing, which is a damn shame seeing as how your clearly about to leave.”

“I got a meeting with Cullen, but if you want to you can wait here. I can bring breakfast back afterwords.”

“I wouldn’t mind staying here, the bed is amazingly soft. The views not so bad either.” He said as his eye raked up and down Farren’s body.

“You do realize I’m taking the view with me when I go.”

“Yeah well I’ll be right back asleep once the door shuts. I’m feeling a little worn out.” 

Farren nodded and kissed his cheek before leaving quickly. He didn’t want to think about Bull laying naked in his bed. Not when they couldn’t have sex, well at least not until he was sure Bull was alright. Farren refused to take advantage of him, and right now it would be far to easy. A he made his way down stairs Farren was thankful for the lack of people. The quite was just what he needed. He wonder truly who but him and Cullen got up this early. It was just past four bells. He was starting to wonder if Cullen ever slept. Well if he ever slept without Dorian in his bed. When he walked in Farren was immediately hit by the smell of sex. So Chantry boy Cullen had gotten off in the war room, kudos. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who’d gotten some release last night, or rather this morning judging by how strong the smell was. Cullen’s cheeks were still flushed as he looked up.

“Have a good morning Cullen?”

Cullen blush grew darker as he stuttered out his reply. “Y-yes Lord Inquisitor. I mean Farren. Sorry.”

“Good. It’s good for you to relax now and then Commander. You need it. So let's get started shall we?”

Cullen talked him through battle plans, and idea for taking the fortress. They’d need new armor for the soldiers, something stronger more durable. They’d need better weapons, and of course a trebuchet. Taking an old Grey Warden fortress wouldn’t be easy. Especially not if their were Warden inside the damn thing. Some of the soldiers they had only just started fighting. Wardens on the other hand trained for years, or at least had a criminal background that afforded them a cursory knowledge of combat. They were at a distinct disadvantage. At least skill wise hopefully they had more people. They were going over escape routes and evacuation plans when the door opened. A young man, one of Leliana’s runners came rushing in.

“This meeting was not to be interrupted as I’m sure I told Leliana,” Cullen said glaring at the young man.

“I know serah but I was told by Sister Nightingale to bring this to the Lord Inquisitor right away.” He held in his hands a small scroll. 

Farren took the scroll and read it, then he read it again. He knew the words, understood them perfectly but they made no sense. His brain _couldn’t_ make sense of them. He could feel a mixture of panic and fear filling his lungs. 

“Are you alright?” Cullen asked as he made his way around the table to Farren’s side.

“My clan is under attack. My daughter…my little girl she’s there without me. I- I.” He was at a loss for words.

Cullen turned to the runner and said something, but Farren didn’t hear it. All he could hear was Ghila’s voice from his nightmares calling out to him, blaming him. Here he was happy and safe, but what of her. As mind filled with possibilities he could feel the panic leave him. It was replaced with nothing, his emotions just left. A far to familiar with the feeling to try and fight it. He knew it would happen regardless of what he did, and honestly right now he was thankful for it. He needed a clear hear and his emotions wouldn’t allow for that. So he took a deep breath and stared straight ahead as the door swung open. Leliana and Josephine walked, or rather ran inside. They were already discussing possibilities. 

“I need a good plan and I need it now.” Farren said and suddenly all eyes were on him. Josephine’s plan like always involved asking some noble for help. Farren didn’t trust shemlen so he rejected it. Cullen wanted to send in troops, and Leliana wanted to send in spies because they both believed the bandits weren’t just bandits. He chose Leliana’s plan mostly because he didn’t think his people would react well to small army marching in on them. As Leliana went to arrange things Farren stopped her. He quickly wrote out a letter and handed it too her. “Tell your fastest runner to deliver that to the Keeper her name is Istimaethoriel. It’s instructions on getting my daughter to Skyhold.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Josephine asked her eyes meeting his.

“She’s my daughter I will not leave her there while the clan is under attack,” Farren growled as his gaze turned cold.

“Who will watch her while you’re away on missions?”

“My cousin, as the letter says. I’m no idiot Ambassador Montilyet. I thought at least that far ahead. You don’t have children _so do_ not lecture me on mine.” With that, Farren stormed out throwing the doors open as he passed. He made his way back to his room quickly, he needed to be alone. To think. His mind was slowly filling back up with emotions. Waves that drowned out all sense and logic he had. He walked in however to the sight of Bull getting dressed.

“You alright?” Bull asked as he pulled his pants up. “Farren what happened? Are you okay?”

Those words are what did him in. “My clan is under attack, and I have to get Ghila here fast.” He said with a soft cry.

Bull let out a soft growl and pulled him close. “I’ll send the boys to escort her here okay? You won’t have to worry I promise they won’t let anything happen to her.”

“I can’t ask you to do that. At least not for free, how much is your going rate?”

“For you? A kiss.”

Farren wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled. How did Bull do that? Make him happy when he felt the world around him ending. He rose up onto his tip toes, and dragged Bull down into a kiss. It wasn’t like there previous kisses, there was no lust, no sex behind it. It was warm and filled with emotions they didn’t want to put names to yet. When it ended they both stood there for a moment, foreheads pressed together. Just breathing. When they did pull back it was because Bull stomach had growled rather loudly.

“Oh, gods I forgot breakfast,” Farren said as his shoulders slumped, Bull just laughed.

“Come on you look like you could use a good meal.”

They went downstairs and towards the tavern. It was eight now and that meant they’d be serving breakfast. Inside it smelled of cooked bacon and beer. People were talking while eating and laughing. In the corner, Farren could see a few of the Chargers. They to were eating and talking amongst themselves. Bull picked a seat right next to Krem and pulled out the chair beside him. Farren sat down with and smiled, he’d never really hung out with the Chargers.

“Hey Chief, I went looking for you last night. We had a bet that Skinner couldn’t drink three bottles of that hot sauce you like.”

Bull let out a warm laugh and shook his head. “She still alive?”

“She made it through one and a half bottle before running to the bathroom, so yeah still alive. Though I think she needs a healer. Her stomach’s been in pain all morning.”

“Sounds like what she needs is a potion to settle her stomach. I could whip one up it’s not hard.” Farren said as the woman approached to take their orders.

Before he could order Bull order for him. It was nice not having to chose. All the choices he made day in and day out wore on him. Giving up a bit of that control to Bull felt nice. Like he could breathe again, if only for a moment. “You don’t have to do that I’m sure Stitches can make something for her.” He said before turning to Krem. “You guys have a job today so make sure she’s ready to go A.S.A.P.”

“It’s no trouble I honestly I miss this kinda stuff. Back home I was the primary healer. I brewed all my own potions, gathered all my own herbs. Also, this could be my way of repaying her for going to get my daughter.”

They made quick work of their meals, and once done Bull decided to go train. Farren however went to brew a tonic to settle Skinners stomach. It was probably the most relaxed he’d been in some time. Nothing beat brewing, well sex, and a good nap. Okay a lot of things were better but this was good. There was just something about making something with his own two hands, and his magic. Once finished he passed the potion onto Stitches. He then made his way outside to find Bull. He was greeted by the sight of Blackwall and Bull sparring.

The two of them fought well. Blackwall kept blocking and going in for a strike the second Bull was open. Bull did his best to avoid those strikes, though a few landed. It was over rather soon however as Blackwall had promised Cullen he’d help train some of the recruits. That left Bull without a sparing partner. Which was great, well great for Farren. It meant they could spend some time together. That was until Fenris,Anders and Hawke showed up. It was a surprise to see the three of them out and about. Given the fact that a good percentage of people didn’t trust Anders/wanted him dead. Though that didn’t seem to concern Anders one bit, judging by the look on his face. He looked content, happy even, an odd expression for a wanted man.

“You looking to spar?” Fenris asked as they approached. 

Bull nodded. “Yeah, that is if you think you can keep up.”

Fenris walked toward the ring grabbing one of the wooden staffs as he went. Warriors that used two handed weapons always looked so strong. Fenris, however, looked like a good breeze would topple him. Though if Varric’s books contained any truth it was that Fenris knew how to fight. 

The match started how most do with circling. They waited watching each other move. Finally they stopped and Fenris lunged. It was masterful really. When Bull swung to hit him Fenris ducked underneath and popped up behind him. They fought much the same way two people dance. There was a fluidity to each movement Farren rarely saw from Bull on the battlefield. It wasn’t even a fight they were at the point just clashing. To evenly matched, to use to fighting. Not that the people they fought weren’t use to fighting. No, they just weren’t use to fighting someone of Bull’s size and power. Clearly the same couldn’t be said for Fenris. They pulled back after a good ten minutes of their fighting dance and Bull smirked. Fenris wiped his hand across his forward and flicked the sweat off.

“Your not half bad. Who trained you? I know I saw some moves that aren’t Tevinter.”

“I picked up some from the fog warriors others I learned on the run. Didn’t always use a two-handed weapon. Trained with daggers first.”

“I gotta say I’m impressed that you were able to keep up with me. Most people can’t. Even Krem gets tired after a while.”

Fenris stood up straight and smirked his eyes alight with mischief. “Let's see if you can continue to keep up.”

As they started back up again Dorian approached with Cole. Neither said anything, just watched the fight. Farren wondered if either really tried who would win.Bull had the raw strength, but Fenris could turn that against him. It was then that Fenris rushed past Bull and said something. Farren didn’t quite catch it not that he would have understood it. He the feeling it was in Qunlat. Whatever it was it sparked something in Bull. The air around them changed. The smile had vanished from his face, and when he swung he hit Fenris, hard. Fenris to his credit managed to just rolled out of the way of the next blow. This was a fight now a truly violent fight. They weren’t dancing they were trying to kill each other. Each blow they let lose hit, and it was becoming apparent neither meant to dodge anymore. 

“What the fuck is going on? Are they trying to kill each other?” Hawke asked nervously.

“I have no idea I’ve never seen Bull go from calm to pissed like this.”

“Bas. How dare he. How dare I? Why did I leave? What am I without the Qun? Who am I? Tama please tell me. So lost in the darkness. Can’t hurt them but how will I stop myself?” 

Cole’s words went unheard by everyone but Farren. They were all too lost the brutality in front of them to pay attention. It was horrible and terrifying and it needed to stop.

“Bull!” Farren called out. “Bull stop it!” He shouted desperately. He could see blood now dripped from both of them but neither gave. “Bull stop you’re hurt!” Clearly, Bull didn’t care, or couldn’t hear him. This last try Farren thought before shouting. “Hissrad!”

It worked Bull jerked back and turned to lock eyes with Farren. He looked down at his wounds and then up at Fenris. His breathing was labored and his body was covered in blood and sweat. Farren rushed over and placed a hand on him. Anders and Hawke ran over to Fenris but Farren was only focused on Bull.

“You idiot what were you thinking?” He said with a growl as he started healing Bull.

“I—I’m sorry Boss. I don’t know what happened.” At least he had the decency to look guilty as he spoke.

“I know what happened Bull. I’m asking you why it affected you like that? What the does Bas mean?”

“It means thing, purposeless thing, worthless. I’ve heard it before, had it directed at me even. Fuck. I have no idea why I let it get to me.”

“Cole was looking into your head and saw something…”

Bull shuddered as Farren pulled his hand back. “What did he say?”

“That you’re lost in the dark. Bull this is worse then I thought this morning. It’s clearly hurting you more then you let on. Have you- have you talked to anyone else? Could you talk to anyone else?”

“Like who? I don’t wanna burden my boys with this.”

“Like me. Like Solas, Dorian, Cullen? I know we talked this morning but Bull you clearly need to talk about this more.”

“I just feel so damn raw, like an exposed nerve. Everything fucking hurts.” Bull stepped back and glanced at Fenris. “I never meant to do that.”

Fenris and Anders approached. “Listen I’m sorry for what I said. I was trying to provoke you.” 

Anders just shook his head and sighed heavily. “I can’t believe you, no wait I can. You reckless idiot.”

“Oh stop complaining mage you love-”.

A stone was flung that barely missed Anders' head. Someone started to shout, but before Farren could even get a good look at him the guards were dragging him off. He wasn’t the only one shouting, no there was a dozen of them screaming. Shouts of Killing Anders,wishing he was dead,pleas to the Maker to smite him. Honestly, it was disgusting to watch. Farren rolled his eyes and turned back to Anders. 

“You okay? Should I assign some guards to you?”

Hawke walked up behind him and laid a hand on Anders' shoulder. “No need he’s got Fenris and I. Besides if anyone tries something they’ll meet the sharp end of Zedd’s daggers.”

They turned and left and the crowed slowly dissipated. Farren gave Bull a smile before walking back inside to the war room. Despite what Anders said Farren knew he’d need some protection. He sent a runner to find The Warden Commander. They needed to talk about this fighting. It was only a matter of time before someone tried to take Anders life. They had to plans, arrangements. He couldn’t understand the mages calling for Anders death. Why would they want him dead? From what Farren knew of circles it was torture pure and simple. Why would any mage want that?

Mahariel walked into the room followed closely by Leliana and her dog. “Is this about what just happened in the courtyard?”

“You already know? Why am I not surprised. You are dating my spy-master.”

Leliana put a hand on Zedd’s back and moved it slowly rubbed it. “Zedd has made a decision, and she hopes you’ll go along with it.”

“I want you to hold a trail for Anders, and pardon him. The trail will be a show, a play. You sit on your throne and make a big speech about how you understand why everyone is angry. Then you pardon him, and say that no one has the right to judge a warden but a warden.”

Farren took a step back as his eyes went wide. Had he heard that right? “You want me to just pardon him? You realize that paints an even larger target on his back right? They’ll want his head even more if they know I’m not gonna take it.”

“If you do this know another court can touch him, and as for the people well, I can handle them. Just pardon Anders, you know it the right thing to do.”

“Weather of not I do is irrelevant. You’ve clearly already made up my mind for me.” Farren crossed his arms over his chest and glared.

“Yes, I have. Lavellan don’t do this, do not fight me. Trust me there aren’t enough elves in power for us to be fighting.”

“I’ll hold a trial for Anders, _but_ I won’t pardon him. I can’t. I have to give them something even if it’s a slap on the wrist.”

“Oh?” Leliana looked at him curiously. “What are you proposing?”

“I don’t know. Send him to the Fallow Mire? Or somewhere just as far away. Something that gets him away from these people.”

Zedd nodded. “Okay. You can give him some sort of light punishment. However, if I feel it’s too much me and my men will walk. Anders with us.”

“I wouldn’t wanna piss you off I know I know.”

She just nodded and left the dog following closely behind her. Leliana, however, stayed behind until the door was shut.

“Listen Farren she means well. She cares a great deal for Anders and just doesn’t wanna see him hurt. I know that's no excuse for how she acts, but she isn’t always like that. She’s just scared.”

“I get it. Not like I’ve never been there. She’s entrusting the life of someone she loves to someone she doesn’t know. That’s bound to make someone snappy.”

With that, Leliana left, and Farren closed his eyes. He could feel a headache starting to form. The day had gone from great to awful in mere moments. He was so tired and it wasn’t even noon yet. He went back to his room for a nap. Though his sleep wasn’t restful, if anything he woke up more tired then when he laid down. The rest of the day passed in a blur of meaningless conversations and exhaustion. 

Farren stayed up late to write what he’d say at Anders trail, but everything he came up with felt wrong. The next day was much of the same running around. The whole week passed like that. The trail came upon him far too soon. He was left with no idea of what to say or what to do. Farren felt lost, and scared. So many people gathered in the main hall. So many awaited some sort of punishment they felt just. How was he suppose to look them in the eye and say ‘no, sorry, not happening’. To them Anders was a monster not a man, and they wanted him treated like one. He couldn’t reason with them. Couldn’t change their minds. 

He walked slowly from the war room to his throne. As he approached the crowed let loose a round of cheers. He could he cries of ‘off with his head’ and ‘hang him’. Some people even calling for him to be made tranquil. It was a horror show that he had front row seats to. What made him think bringing Ghila here was a good idea? These people were like rabid wolves. 

Slowly the Wardens walked in flanking Cullen and Blackwall. They were holding Anders arms, his hands locked in chains. He at least looked calm about this whole thing. Mahariel must’ve told him the plan for today. _Her_ plan for today. Farren scanned his eyes over the crowed and shuddered. The cries were getting louder and his elf hearing made it almost too much. It rang through the halls and left him feeling hollow.

“Silence” he shouted. The room quickly grew silent all eyes suddenly leaving Anders and looking to him. “Josephine you may proceed.”

She nodded and walked towards Anders. “We have on trail The Mage Anders. He’s charged with 13, no sorry 12 counts of murder. Destruction of a Chantry, and the murder of a Revered Mother.”

“So 12 counts of regular murder and one holy count? Lovely.” Farren cast his eyes back down at Anders. He didn’t know what to excepted but the look of pain on his face wasn’t it. “Anders how to you plea?”

“Guilty.” The crowd cheered loudly, and the calls began again. “I had to do it, though! The mages in the Kirkwall circle would have all been killed. I saved them.” At his words, someone from the crowd threw a rock towards Anders. Cullen caught it deftly in the air and dropped it.

“There will be no throwing inside the main hall!” Cullen called out motioning to the guards to drag the man out.

The man was dragged off, but not before he hurled a few more insults Anders way. People cheered as Anders lowed his head and hunched his shoulders. This was a powerful mage reduce to a husk in front of him.

Farren took a deep breath and stood up. “The Chantry teaches that ‘Magic is meant to serve man’, but what does that mean? How does magic serve man when it’s locked away in towers? When the people who wield it are looked at like monsters. People look at honest, good god fearing mages the same way they look at Corypheus. Like a demonic mad man. So how can magic serve if it’s feared? How can a mage serve if he is treated like a monster since his magic first manifests?”

He glanced about the crowed as he he spoke. All eyes were still on him and Farren knew he had to make his point clearly. It was unlikely these people would listen to him again after this. “Since becoming Inquisitor I’ve met a lot of circle mages. One stood out to me though. Her name is Mary and she’s tranquil. Her older sister told me the story of why she was made tranquil, and at first I couldn’t believe it. You see Mary’s only tranquil after passing her Harrowing because a Templar got her pregnant. She refused to terminate and he lied and had her made tranquil.”

Farren stepped down the steps standing beside the kneeling Anders. “Her sister Lydia told me about how her sister pleaded. Agreed to end the pregnancy, begged for her mind,her life. How she’s hollow, she walks around here helping anyone who asks with no thoughts of happiness,friendship,family, or love.” He could see the crowd was getting restless, they wanted heads to roll not stories. “She isn’t the only person made tranquil after passing there Harrowing. Not the only mage tortured for the sake of pleasure or fun. Mages are so hated and feared that since arriving hear my good friend,my best friend Lord Dorian Pavus has been attacked twice. Why? Because he’s a mage who dares not treat his magic like a sickness.”

The crowd began to murmur. _’What this got to do with anything_ and _’Hurry up and sentence him_. Farren kept talking, though, he wasn’t finished with his speech. “You’re all so desperate to see Anders killed. Tortured,beaten or made tranquil. You don’t care about why he did it. You don’t care about the lives saved, do you? You just want a corpse.”

At that the there was a loud out cry. People began shouting threats and obscenities. He could hear cries of ‘fucking knife ear’ ringing out and people pushed against the guards. He’d had enough so Farren called forth a lightning strike in the center of the room. It was so loud everyone but him jumped. Most people back against the wall, other just stared at the singed carpet. “I’m no circle mage, it is not so easy to gain the upper hand on me. I hope I’ve made that clear.” The room grew deafeningly silent. “I’m your Inquisitor. Not by choice, not because I sought out this horrid title. Not because I even want it. No, rather because I am the only one who can seal the tears in the veil. Who can hope to beat Corypheus. So it falls upon me to judge the enemies of this Inquisition. Anders however is no enemy! He is living proof of the best the world has to offer turned cold! The things a good man will do if pushed to the brink!” Farren could feel hot tears pressing against his eyes. He had no idea why he suddenly felt like crying.

“Today I sentence Anders for his crimes. I find him guilty, and order him to be sent to the Dales! He will heal out soldiers and help anyone in need until this war is over. Only then is he free to return to the Wardens!”

Farren didn’t wait to hear the out cry he just left. He was so tired of people. So tired of the fighting. What ever made him think he could do this? Who was he kidding? He was a joke. Vee was right. He was too weak to stand there and pretend to be so great leader. He fell back against his bed and closed his eyes. Sleep came quickly and for once, he didn’t fight it. He went under willingly. His mind lost. He didn’t dream, he didn’t do anything. 

He awoke to Bull standing above him with a tray full of food.”How’d it go after I left?” Farren asked as he dragged himself up to sit. 

Bull set the try down in front of him and then sat down. “People screamed for a while. Someone made a charge towards Anders only to be hit in the thigh with a dagger. Most people just left bitching about how unfair all of that was. Mahariel stood up after you left and vowed death to anyone who hurt him. Said if they doubted she could do it to ask the arch-demon she slew. After that, most people shut up.”

Farren sighed softly and began eating his stew. “I just painted an even larger target on my back didn’t I?”

“I wish I could say no. Most of those people understand that you’re all that stands between them and death.”

“Most of them? Is there anyone who doesn’t hate me? Who doesn’t want me dead after that.” 

“Most of the people here. Listen, only a tenth of them were at that trial. The average person doesn’t give a flying fuck about Anders. Sure you pissed some people off with that pro-mage talk. The average guy, though? He doesn’t give a fuck. He’s just trying to make it through the day.”

“So that'll blow over? Hopefully before Ghila gets here.”

“Yeah, this’ll blow over Farren. Do you want me to stay the night?”

“If you don’t mind then of course. I much prefer working next to you then working alone.”

Bull laughed and shook his head. “Not going back to sleep I take it.”

“Sleep is all well and good, but I’ve got plans to make and people to help. A world depending on me. I’ve wasted too much time on this as is.”

Bull laid down on the bed beside him as Farren went to work. He read up on the tomes and battle plans. Did his best to get all the work done he’d been slacking off on. His mind wander, though. He looked at Bull sleeping beside him and couldn’t stop the feeling in his chest. Like slipping into a warm bath. His heart ached and he couldn’t fight the smile on his lips.

Oh no, this wasn’t a good time for this feeling. He wouldn’t name it. Wouldn’t call it what he knew it was. He couldn’t be feeling for Bull what he was. He’d only known the man for five months. His heart was weak. It wanted to lay down and curl up in those strong arms. To feel safe. His mind knew better. He knew he had to be strong. Because rushing into things would only end badly for both of them. For Ghila. 

He hadn’t even thought of how having someone knew in his life would affect her. What was Bull to him? Was it just sex? No, no Bull made that clear by laying down with him. So what did he tell her? That they were dating? Lovers? No! Not lovers something else. Good friends maybe? That wouldn’t explain why he was coated so heavily in Bull’s scent. His mind was racing though options when a warm hand squeezed his thigh.

“What’s going on in that pretty head?”

“Nothing beautiful”, Farren said without thinking.

“This thing were doing doesn’t work without honesty,” Bull said but he hadn’t even bothered opening his eyes.

“What do I call you?”

“You mean how do you introduce me to your daughter, right? I’m surprised your only freaking out about this now.”

“Not funny.” He mumbled as Bull’s hand pulled him down.

Bull kissed him slow. Lips moving against each other with no goal. This wasn’t about sex, it was comforting. Farren sighed as the pulled away and Bull smiled. 

“Never said it was funny. You can tell her whatever you want. You can say we’re friends,dating,whatever makes you comfortable.”

“Dating sounds best. It’s honest, right? We are dating?”

Bull chuckled and his eye finally opened. “Yeah, yeah we’re dating.”

With that Bull seemed to go back to sleep, and Farren went back to work. Vee was wrong, he was wrong. He could do this. Fuck, he could anything he wanted. He wasn’t some weak, scared child anymore. He was an adult, a semi-responsible adult. He could do this. With that thought in my mind, he dove back into work with a renewed vigor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why this took so long! It's been done for a while but I keep going back over it. I'm so sorry to everyone who waited! This is my first fic of this length and it's harder than I thought. I promise to never take this long again. Title from Comfortable by Lauv


	9. I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is a really amazing thing, it comes in some many different forms.

It had been a week since the trial, and unsurprisingly Bull was right. It had blown over for the most part. It seemed having Anders leave had been a good idea. Fenris had also left leaving Hawke behind alone, but he didn’t really seem to mind that much. If anything he seemed happy to be spending time with Varric again. Farren however was incredibly busy with work he’d put off leading up to the trial. He hadn’t been able to spend as much time with Bull since that night. Which was rough seeing as how Bull’s men had all left to go get Ghila. He was left alone to train the soldiers. 

It was around noon when his latest meeting was finally called to a close. Farren found himself with nothing to do for a few hours, a miracle. He wanders outside to find Bull so they could eat together, and catch up. He didn’t see him out with the soldiers, nor was he in the tavern. Farren made his way towards Cullen’s office. Maybe Bull was talking with him again, but as Farren approached the door he didn’t hear Bull. He did however hear whispers. He could also smell the pungent scent of arousal. He knew now that Bull wasn’t inside, but he also knew Dorian was, and how could he resist teasing Cullen and Dorian. He knocked a couple times before pushing the door open. Dorian was on his knees, but thankfully Cullen’s cock was still in his pants. Cullen looked up wide eyed at him as he shoved Dorian back. Cullen hastily tugged his shirt down and blushed. 

“Lord Inquisitor is there something you need?” Cullen asked his voice level. It was honestly impressive how he could talk so calmly while his face was redder then a tomato.

“Nope,” Farren said popping the p for emphasis. “I’m just looking for Bull.”

“He’s clearly not in here. So why did you barge in?” Dorian was glaring at him now eyes filled with a mixture of annoyance and mirth.

“I smelled sex and wanted to make sure it was consensual.”

“The only sex that’s sex is consensual, and you know damn well what was going on.”

“True.” With that Farren turned and left. He could hear Cullen sighing and complaining about Dorian not locking the door. He walked around for a while longer before finding Bull. Who was playing chess with Solas in the inner circles dinning room. Hawke was sat beside Solas watching the game with a hazy look on his face. He was mumbling things under his breath and sighing loudly. Though it appeared neither seemed to be paying him much mind. “I miss anything good?” He asked as he sat down across from Hawke.

“Not much. I never knew chess was so dull. I mean their just moving pieces on a board back and forth. I’ve never been so bored in my life.”

“It more exciting if you understand it. At least it is for me, I love watching people play chess. The different strategies, the way a different mind works.

Just then Solas moved a piece, and Bull’s smirk widened. “I’ve got you in three Fadewalker. Seems like you’re losing your touch.”

“No you don’t, but it’s nice to see you planning further ahead, though.”

Bull moved his piece with confidence ignoring Solas’s words. Then Solas moved his queen. “Check mate.”

Farren stared down at the board in disbelief. “Wow. I really thought you had him.”

“I thought I had him to. Dammit, I guess I’ve got to keep trying if I’m gonna beat you.”

Solas smiled and they reset the board. “You’ve gotten much better since our last game. I’m honestly very impressed with you.” Solas then glanced up at the clock on the wall. “It appearers we’ll have to wait before our next match. It’s almost time for lunch everyone should be arrive shortly.” With that he stood up, and put the chess board away.

A moment later Sera followed Cassandra and Varric inside. It was nice to head them talking to each other instead of trading snipes. The girl came in next to take their orders. Farren seeing as how he didn’t have anywhere else to be ordered something messy, ribs. After she left he laid his head down, and didn’t bother talking. Just listened to the conversations around him. It was then that Dorian and Cullen walked in.

Cullen face was a bright red as he spoke. “Sorry I’m late I was doing stuff.”

Dorian never one to miss a chance for a perfect joke said, “I’m stuff.”

Everyone laughed as Cullen sat down laying his head against the table. Bull reached his hand out for a high five and for once Dorian returned it. The girl came back with half the food and took Dorian and Cullen’s orders as well. Lunch was filled with friendly conversations. Farren was rather enjoying his meal, and the conversation around him flowed nicely. Cassandra was talking to Varric about flaws in his book. Varric was laughing, but clearly listening. Sera was talking to Dorian about some idea for a prank. It was nice.

It was then the door swung open again this time it was a man. One of Leliana’s runners who rushed over to Farren. “Your Worship my apologize but there a woman-”

Farren grabbed a cloth and wiped his hand before standing. “A woman? Is she hurt? Was she trying to kill someone? Steal something?”

“No she has your-”, before he could finish his sentence a familiar voice called his name. 

The red hair brighter then a flame. Those eyes shades of soft purples and blues. She rushed past the soldier tears spilling down her cheeks. Melana. “Farren! By the gods Farren!” He arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Melana”, he whispered into he hair. She pulled away tears still in her eyes. “I’ve missed you a great deal as well.”

“I hate when you talk like that stop getting weirdly formal.” She punched him the arm and laughed.”You’ve had everyone worried sick you asshole!”

“I’m sorry I’ve been busy. I had no idea how many meetings and how much paper work was required for war.”

She laughed softly before stepping to side. “I brought Aria along. Celestine is with maela and she’s none to pleased that we left. She wrote a letter.” Melana shoved the letter into Farren’s hands as Aria walked in. Aria was shorter then both him and Melana. She was second to the clan. She hadn’t changed a bit, he long white hair pinned back in a bun. Those eyes like amber met his, and she smiled eyes filled with tears as she set Ghila down. 

By the gods look at her. A mess of thick black curls that seemed to swallow her face. Those huge doe eyes a vibrant purple that looked up at him with so much love. She was clinging tightly to her stuffed halla as he knelt down and opened his arms. Ghila let out a broken cry that sounded like ‘Daddy’ before running to him almost dropping the doll. Farren picked her up a hand running through her long curls. 

“Shhh, it’s okay now, daddy’s got you.” It did little to soothe her as she clung tighter to him. He heard Melana cough and looked up. All eyes were on him as he smiled softly.”This is my cousin Melana, and her lovely wife Aria.” He smiled as he looked down at Ghila. “And this is my whole world, my baby. Ghila.” Everyone made introduction, but Farren said nothing merely sat back down and hummed to Ghila. Holding her in his arms after so long was a blessing.

“Daddy, I missed you so much.” She whispered into his neck, and Farren fought the urge to cry. “I thought you’d died maela said you died.”

“Ma’hallain I’ve missed you to. I didn’t write until later because I wasn’t feeling well. I’m all better now, and I’m so sorry for worrying you. But I’ve got no plans on dying anytime soon, okay? The gods will have to come and drag me away from you.” She pulled back and smiled up at him. Looking at her face now Farren noticed she’d gotten paler. She was still dark her skin still a pale shade of caramel, but it looked even paler as of late. “Have you eaten?”

“No”, she said looking back at his food. “I was too excited about seeing you.”

Farren smiled and turned her around. “Go ahead and eat then. Afterwords I can brush out your hair, and maybe once we’re done a quick tour?”

Ghila nodded but it was clear she no longer cared. She was eating with a fervor stuffing her face quickly. He was worried she’d choke if she kept up at this pace.

He heard Bull laugh and noticed yet again all eyes were on them. “She gonna be okay?”

“Not if she keeps eating so fast.” Farren said and pulled her back. “Slow down before you choke or get a tummy ache.”

“Okay.” She said while smiling, her smile was so bright Farren thought for a moment he was gazing into the sun.

“It’s clear now I’m gonna have to give you a bath as well. Maybe when thats done I should braid your hair. At least then it’s out of your face.”

Melana groaned loudly. “I tried to do those braids she likes, and I have no idea how you even brush her hair. She kept crying about how much I was hurting her head. It didn’t help when maela threatened to cut it all off either.”

Ghila made a noise that sounded both pained and scared.. “She yelled at me for pulling away then slapped my head with the brush real hard.” At that she pulled her hands up to her head and rubbed it.

Farren took a deep breath, then another. Gods forgive him, but he wanted nothing more then to punch his grandmother in the face. “I’ll have a talk with her okay Ghila. She shouldn’t have done that she knows better. I’ll brush your hair okay, and I’ll do two braids instead of one the way you like.” She smiled up at him again and Farren smiled back. “Ghila before daddy forgets again these are my new friends.” He motioned to everyone at the table. 

Ghila ever the shy child buried her face against his chest. Hiding amongst her wild curls. She looked over the group one by one. Everyone smiled and waved at her. Minus Sera who decided to make a face. It wasn’t until she looked at Bull the she turned away. “Daddy that man is evil.” She whispered.

“Why do you say that ma’hallain?” Farren glanced over at Bull and mouthed a quick apology. Bull had clearly heard what she said if his expression was anything to go by. 

“He has an eye patch like all the bad men in books.Eye patches make you evil.”

Bull started laughing so loud it spooked her and she clung tighter to Farren. “Ghila Bull isn’t evil nor is he a pirate that kidnaps kids, or a crazed wizard. Why I ever let you read those books is beyond me.”

Ghila moved some of her hair aside and looked up at Bull. He leaned down and smiled at her. She looked at him for a long time before leaning a little closer to…sniff him?

“Ma’hallain what are you doing?”

“He smells like you a little. Like I smell like you a little.” Her eyes looked over Bull again and Farren couldn’t help but blush.

“No shit, you finally got laid?” Melana called out smiling as he groaned.

“Now is not the time for this. Ghila finish eating so I can give you bath and fix your hair alright? Then we can go see your new room, well my room.”

“I’m gonna be staying with you?” She asked excitedly bouncing in his lap with a huge grin. 

“Yep, in a room that's bigger then the aravel was. You’re gonna love it the view is amazing. I’ve got some paints for you so you can paint all day, and a ton of new books.” She quickly went back to eating eager to see what he had in store for her. “Sera any chance I could get you to show my cousin and her wife to their room? The one pass the garden?”

Sera nodded and gave Melana a smirk. “Sure, and while were at it you can tell me some embarrassing stories about Lord Quizzy pants.”

Farren knew they’d get along as the three of them walked out. He was glad to have them both at Skyhold. It would make things much easier when he had to leave. He rubbed Ghila’s back as she ate. Once she was done he stood up and carried her outside. The sun was shining and he could hear the sounds of music from in the tavern. It was amazing. He quickly made his way through the main hall, and up to his room. He then went about drawing her a bath while Ghila explored. She ran first to the bed and rolled around on it. Then outside and looked at the mountains, and finally made her way to the top overlooking the room.

“Ma’hallain it’s bath time.” Farren called out as he ran his hand over the warm water. He could hear the sound of foot falls as she rushed into the bathroom. As she undressed he heard a knock at the door. “Why don’t you soak while I go check and see who that is.” With that he quickly walked to the door. It was Krem standing on the other side holding a few bags.

“Sorry we forgot to bring these up.” Krem said holding the bags up.

“It’s not a problem. You did have a rather long trip.” Farren said stepping aside so Krem could set them down.

“I’d never seen a dalish clan up close before. Your keeper is a truly terrifying woman.”

“I know she’s my grandmother after all. You lucked out only having to be around her for a day, I had to grow up with her. Though she becomes less scary when you see her slip and fall on her ass.”

Krem laughed and smiled before turning serious. “The boys and I wanted to thank you. We know the chief’s been a little off as of late. He’s still feeling a bit out of sorts since the whole leaving the Qun thing. I know you’ve helped him a lot, we all do. So thank you.” With that Krem turned and left his face flushed but smiling. 

Farren couldn’t help but laugh as he dug around in the bags. He was happy Bull was happy, but they were doing just as much to help him. He finally pulled out Ghila’s brush, and went back into the bathroom. Ghila was sitting in the large tub her stuffed halla in the water with her. She was telling it all about the pretty mountains when he walked in.

“Daddy”, she said eyes gazing into his. “Can I sleep up top?”

“Up top? You mean on the walk away above the bed? Sure, why not. I can set up a small bed for you.”

She smiled brightly as he began washing her. “Can you make it a bed like your bed?”

“You mean with the curtains? I don’t think they make beds like that in smaller sizes but I can check.”

“Thank you.” Ghila said with a giggle.

Farren took his time washing her then he handed her the soap, and she went about washing the halla. He then rinsed them both off quickly, then went about the arduous process of washing her hair. It seemed to take hours, but finally he finished and set her down. Drying them both off, Ghila with a towel the doll with a controlled gust of wind. Once they were done he brushed her hair. A task that seemed to take even longer then washing said hair. He did it slowly however knowing how quick Ghila was to cry if she even felt a slight tug. From their it was two long braids and ribbons tied on either end. She was pleased as they inspected in the mirror.

Ghila however still wanted her tour, so Farren picked her up and walked back down stairs. He spotted Josephine and Vivienne talking by on of the fires. They smiled and waved when they saw him approaching. He walked over laughing when Ghila buried her head against his chest again. 

“Good afternoon Farren, and this must be Ghila.” Josephine said as she bent down and smiled at Ghila. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Ghila just clutched at him tighter. “Sorry she can be a bit shy. She did really good today and looked at new people at least. She tends to hide when she sees strangers.”

Vivienne nodded and moved a bit closer. “She’s got such pretty hair did you braid it?”

“She won’t let anyone else touch it her head is very tender.”

“Poor thing. I use to be the same way when I was young. I let my hair get tangled and wouldn’t brush is because it hurt. So I gave up and just shaved my head, much nicer.”

“Can’t shave her head she likes to hide behind her hair.”

Josephine laughed and Vivienne smiled. “Such a shame to hide when I imagine is a very cute face.”

“Cutest face I’ve ever seen.” A voice called out.

Farren turned and watched as Bull walked over with a smirk on his face. “What are you doing inside? I thought you’d be out training with your boys.”

“I had to get something to red. You giving her that tour now?”

“Yep, we’re on a slight delay thanks to the three years I spent braiding her hair.” Ghila mumbled something against his chest and Farren tilted his head. “What was that?”

“I’m sorry for being such a baby.” She said and it sounded as if she might cry.

“Oh Ghila no, no you aren’t being a baby not at all. It’s a joke. Your like daddy your fussy about your hair. I mean I once stopped in the middle of a fight to fix my hair. You’re so much better then me.”

Hearing that made her laugh and Farren smiled. “Tour now?”

“Of course.” He looked up and smiled at everyone. “If you’ll excuse us I have a tour to give.”

“He can come.” Ghila said lifting her face just enough to look over at Bull.

Farren was shock to say the least. It was rare to see her like that around another person. She was so shy she barely spoke to the kids in the clan. Bull was a stranger, one who smelled like him but still. He was shocked and pleased. He looked at Bull and asked if he’d liked to join. Bull took no time and answering, and he followed them outside and into the garden. He set Ghila down and watched as she ran around pointing at different plants. He’d tell her what they were and what they did before she moved on. She was really more at home in nature then amongst stone walls. Ghila smiled as she sat around the flowers spoke to her halla.

“I was worried she didn’t like me.” Bull finally said breaking the silence between them.

“She’s rather shy. She hides from people and rarely talks to anyone that isn’t me.”

“Has she always been that shy? Or did something happen?”

“Is there something wrong with a little girl being shy?” He said turning to fix Bull with a heated glare.

“No, I was just wondering if it was us. If maybe being surrounded by new people was upsetting.”

Farren let out a breath and rubbed his eyes. “She’s always been shy. I was too when I was her age. It’s just…” He looked up at her and smiled again. “She’s wonderful, but she has a hard time talking to people. Even the other kids in the clan. She talks to family alright, but other people always have a hard time with her. She won’t even look strangers in the eye. I’ve tried but it’s so hard for her. She gets all panicked and starts crying.”

“So why did she look at me?”

“Hell if I know. I mean I thought at first it was because you smelled like me, but so does my mom.” Bull just nodded and they sat their watching her. “She’s so smart and so funny. No one sees it though. She’ll play with her cousins but she doesn’t say much around them. She’ll talk to my mom and dad but not as much as she talks to me.” His voice broke for a second and Farren took a deep breath. “I think I ruined childhood for her ya know? I think keeping her from people, and making it seem like it was just us against the world fucked this up for her. I did this to her. I made it so she’ll never be able to make friends easily…she’s alone and I did that.”

“You can’t think like that. You’d just gone through hell to keep her safe no wonder you were nervous about people. Kids are resilient though and I’m sure she’ll bounce back. She’s got an amazing dad so stop worrying so much.”

Farren smiled and laughed under his breath. He watched as Ghila walked over holding a single crystal grace flower. She walked right up to Bull and held it out. Bull turned to him for a second, as if to ask a question before turning back and opening his hand. Ghila ever so gently laid the flower on it and smiled up at him. “These flowers make pretty sounds. That's why they’re my favorite. What’s your favorite flower?”

Taking a deep breath Farren clutched tightly at his robes to keep from speaking. This was another first. Watching her speak to someone else gave him hope. It made him feel overwhlemingly happy.

“Hmm, I don’t know I’ve never though about it. I like roses.”

She looked at the flower then back up at him. “Roses are good to they come in lots of colors.”

“Yeah they do and each one means something different. Do you like other things besides flowers?”

Ghila looked down again before nodding. “I like halla, and books, and dragons.”

Bull grinned as he set the flower down beside him. “I love dragons they’re amazing aren’t they.”

At that Ghila jumped up and nodded. “I think dragons are the best next to halla. They have cool horns and they fly. Halla you can ride though and they have prettier horns. I think horns are cool.”

Bull smirked and leaned down. “Do I have cool horns?”

“Yeah, but they’d be even cooler with flowers on them. Like we do with the halla sometimes.”

“I’ve never had flowers on my horns before.”

“I bet you’d look very pretty. Ever prettier then a halla.”

He smiled and laughed. “Oh? Well then I guess I’m gonna have to try that.” Ghila ran off to pick more flowers and Bull leaned back against the wall. “Was that okay?” He asked turning to look at Farren a fond smile on his face.

“I’ve never seen her do that before Bull. I’ve never seen her talk to a stranger before. It’s more then just okay you were amazing. You’ve got to be some kind of mage because that was magic. Pure and simple.”

Bull laughed, and closed his eye letting his head fall back against the stone wall. Farren moved closer laying his head against Bull’s arm. His eyes never leaving Ghila as she ran around picking flowers. At this rate he wasn’t going to be able to keep pretending. He knew he was falling in love and felt to fast to sudden. He was so far beyond terrified he didn’t have a word for it. It was made all the worse by the knowledge that Ghila seemed to like Bull to. So if things went south it might hurt her just as much as it hurt him. Gods he didn’t want that at all. Maybe…maybe he should end things now? Keep them both from getting too attached.

That’s when Ghila ran back over with a bunch of flowers and climbed on to the bench. She sat in Farren’s lap and began making two flower crowns. The look of concentration on her face was adorable. Once finished she put one on each or his horns and smiled. Farren couldn’t help but laugh as Bull went about modeling his new look. After he was finished Ghila went about showing him to make them. So Bull could make them without her she explained. It was sweet watching him pick flowers, watching him care so much. It didn’t help that his smile still made Farren’s heart race. They made a few more crowns before leaving the garden. The group walked through the whole of Skyhold. He showed her the library and Solas’s painting. Showed her the outside and walked her around the battlements. As it got dark out Farren knew Ghila must be getting hungry. 

“How about we go inside and get some dinner? We can eat on in the garden if you like?”

“Really we can?” With that, he set her down so Ghila could walk ahead of them. 

Bull and Farren trailed behind her in a comfortable silence. Mostly comfortable. Farren’s mind was still racing with thoughts of his current predicament. The other shoes was poised to drop. Staying with Bull didn’t feel like an option. Not with Ghila getting attached. How could he stay knowing Bull would leave him, leave them. Qunari didn’t fuck for love Bull had told him so himself. So if Bull didn’t love him, couldn’t love him, then getting attached would only hurt more. It was just his luck wasn’t it? Falling in love again with someone else who couldn’t love him. Why did the god see fit to punish him so much? What in the fuck had he done to deserve it? Who had he wronged so badly?

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Bull asked as they made their way into the kitchen.

“Thinking about what to get. Ghila what do you want?” He lied effortlessly, but he could sense Bull wasn’t buying it.

Ghila who was now hiding behind his leg whispered, “Stew.”

“Can we get two bowls of stew and some of those rolls?”

The kitchen staff nodded. “Make that three,” Bull added as they went to work.

Bull was kind enough to carry the food out to the garden where the ate. Ghila finished first and ended up eating a portion of Farren’s food. Not that he minded. He was used to it at this point. Eating and sleeping while raising a small child were always difficult, any parent would say the same. He was just happy she was eating. Once finished she just laid on her back and looked up at the stars. Bull sat beside him again and said nothing, but Farren could tell he wanted to say something. Maybe he was going to end before had to? Maybe the universe would do him that kindness. Let him hate Bull so the pain wasn’t so overwhelming. At some point Ghila fell asleep leaving Farren to carry her back upstairs. After laying her down he made his way back down stairs, and into the hallway outside his room. Bull was standing their back against the wall eye trained on the crows.

“You’ve got something on your mind and I think I know what it is.”

“You’re a mind reader now to? I didn’t know that qunari could also read minds.”

Bull turned to look at him and smiled, but it didn’t make Farren’s heart race. It wasn’t the same smile, it was colder, hurt. “You want to end things?”

“Ahh, so you truly can read minds.”

Bull flinched and the site left Farren feeling a bit sick. His voice sounded cruel to his own ears he couldn’t imagine how it sounded to Bull. “Can you at least tell me why?”

“You can’t love us. Love me. Bull you told me yourself that qunari don’t have sex for love. That you don’t love like I love. I can feel myself falling in love with you, and I know it’s too soon. I know I’m rushing but I can’t help myself. It was fine before when it was only me that’d get hurt, but it’s not just me now. For some reason Ghila likes you to. So if I let this go on she’ll get hurt just was much, and I won’t let that happen.” With each word he could feel a hot tears spilling down his cheek, but he made no move to wipe them away.

“So you’re not even gonna ask me if I love you too?”

Farren looked up and he could see Bull stepping closer, forcing him against the door. “Do you?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before so I can’t say. It feels a little overwhelming. Good though, it feels good, and scary. I think about you a lot, more then I do anyone else. I want to be around you all the time. My fucking heart skips a beat when you smile at me. I want to kiss you each time I see you, and I can’t be mad when your around. Is that what being in love is like?”

Bull was leaning down now. Their foreheads pressed together and Farren could feel the heat radiating off him. “Yes, at least in my experience. I feel sort of new at this to.”

“Good then we can figure out together, that is if you’ll still have me?”

Farren didn’t have the words he just move forward. Lips pressing together with a sense of desperation. A need that burned inside both of them to the core. Bull pressed Farren back against the stone work and deepened the kiss. He gasped at the feeling of Bull’s tongue against his bottom lip. Tongues sliding together and heated breaths was all they were for a moment. Farren moaned softly and Bull groaned in response before pulling back.

“You’re so responsive, I love that about you.”

Farren’s face flushed and he looked down at the floor feeling overwhelmed with guilt. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand why you did it, but next time just talk to okay?”

He nodded and smiled. “Is there anything qunari do to show their love for one an other?”

“As I said before we don’t normally fall in love. For friends we cut a dragons tooth in half then no matter how far apart life takes them, they’re always together.”

“That sounds sweet. The dalish usually make something a necklace or a bracelet. Something small you can always wear to remind you of your beloved.”

Bull smiled and kissed him once more, it was chaste but loving none the less. “I love you, Farren.”

Farren inhaled sharply and smiled back. “I love you to Bull.”

With that Bull left and Farren made his way back upstairs. As he curled an arm around Ghila he prayed softly. For both of them not to get hurt anymore. He found sleep restful as he now had Ghila in his arms. Though it was shorter then normal as she woke earlier then he wished.

“Daddy? Daddy wake up I’m hungry.”

“Did you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth?”

“Not yet.” She said before hopping off the bed and running back into the bathroom.

Farren rolled on his back, and was slowly regretting all his life choices when she reemerged. Black hair still up in braids if a little looser now. He then made his way out of bed and washed up. He missed this part, being woken up at day break to her smile. Sure he was tired but his baby was here. Upon finishing they made they’re way down stairs. Farren couldn’t stop replaying last night in his head. He felt bad as Ghila told him of her dream that his mind couldn’t focus on it. He nodded along though and she was none the wiser. 

“Daddy do you have horses here? I thought I saw one yesterday.”

Shit, he’d forgotten to show her the harts. Dammit. “Yes we do, I promise we can see them after breakfast.”

She smiled and happily went back to her eating. Wait. Didn’t he have an early meeting? It seemed the universe wasn’t keen on letting him have a good day twice in a row, as Josephine walked in Aria following close behind her. Aria was flirting which made sense she was ever the flirt even married. What didn’t was Josephine flirting back, he was sure she was aromantic. Maybe she was he had no idea honestly.

“Lord Herald, sorry Lord Farren we need you for the meeting. I was coming to get you when I met your charming cousin.”

Aria smirked as she sat down beside Ghila. “Go on I’ve got her.”

Ghila looked up at him heartbroken in only the way a child could. He could feel his heart tearing itself in two. Gods this was hard. It was hard to leave her the first time, leaving her again if only for a second felt somehow worse.

“I’ll be back after the meeting okay? Then we can go check out the stables and afterwords we can grab lunch.”

“Actually, you have training after the meeting, then another meeting with the nobility and finally Mahariel wanted a word.”

Farren rolled his eyes and sighed. “Meeting, taking my daughter to the stables, training she can watch. Meeting with Mahariel then I can meet the nobility then dinner with Ghila.” Josephine nodded and made some notes. Farren turned back to Ghila and kissed her cheek. “I promise I’ll be back okay. I kept my promise and I’ll keep it again. Besides now you and I are at least in the same building right?”

She nodded but still looked heartbroken. It was then that Bull walked in chatting with Solas as Cole trailed behind. He looked over and Farren felt himself grow flush. His eyes widened and he looked back at Ghila. “Everything okay Boss?”

Ghila turned to look at Bull with a smile. “Daddy has to go to a meeting with you play with me?”

Aria looked as shocked as he had yesterday. Bull just nodded “If your daddy says it’s okay I don’t see why not. Me and the boys are just gonna be training though so it might be boring.”

Ghila looked at him curiously. “What kind of training?”

“We fight with wooden swords. Practice for a real fight.”

She then turned her head to Farren's eyes wide. “Do you train like that?”

“No, I have to train with a magic blade and my spells. Wooden swords won’t help daddy.” She nodded yet again and went back to her eating. He was happy she seemed happy again but a bit worried. As he left he pulled Bull out of the room and sighed. “Ghila isn’t like most children you know.”

“I saw that yesterday, but don’t worry I can handle it.”

“Aria will be with you. Just…take care around her she’s sensitive. I mean both emotionally and magically. Sometimes her hands spark off. So just, don’t break out or anything if they do. Around magic her magic reacts and if you panic she panics.”

“I understand that Farren now go before you’re late.” 

The meeting seemed to drag on forever. He paid attention though despite wanting to tune it all out. He counted the seconds until he was free of it. It reminded him of being young again and waiting for his grandmother to finish talking. When it was over and all was said and done he made his way down to see Dagna. He asked her about cutting a dragons tooth in half. She could do it in a matter of seconds. Crafting the case would only take an hour or so. So he left her too it eager to see the end result.

He walked outside and held back as he watched Bull train, and watch Ghila cheer him on. She seemed so bright around him. Outshining even the sun. How did Bull do it? How did he bring out the best in people? Still he walked over and picked her up.

“Did you have fun?”

She giggled and nodded. “Bull said I could be a great sword fighter one day cause you are.”

He glanced up and saw Bull smirking before deflecting another blow.

“Daddy isn’t great but I’m getting better. Would you like to join me?”

She nodded eagerly her and Aria followed him over for training. He spotted Melana on the way their running around with Sera. He knew no good could come from that but didn’t care. They were some else problem until any of his shit got broken. Training was fun. Or rather it was made fun by Ghila cheering him on and laughing when he fell on his ass. He tried a bit harder knowing she was watching. It took a while to finish and by that time Dagna came rushing out towards him.

“I have that thing you wanted it.” She called out running in to him. “Sorry, so sorry. Well here it is! I’m gonna say no it looks pretty damn good.” She placed the tooth in his hand and he smiled warmly.

“Thank you, Dagna I love it.” He kissed Ghila on the forehead as Dagna walked away, well ran. “Daddies gotta go talk to Bull okay. Go enjoy lunch with Aunt Aria.”

With that he ran off as well in search of Bull. Who was thankfully in fact still training. Though he gladly stopped and lead Farren up to his room. Farren for his part had never felt so nervous. Last night was one thing but this. People say things at night they don’t mean in the morning. He knew that better than most. Still he went with Bull and tried to keep calm. Deep breaths he told himself over and over again, though it helped little if at all.

His eyes went wide as Bull slowly stripped down. “You need to relax I was thinking I might help. If you want that is.”

Farren blushed and nodded eyes never leaving Bull’s body. Bull just kept undressing slowly before laying down on the bed. His gray skin was covered in scars that Farren wanted to trace with his tongue. So he walked over slowly and began to undress himself. 

It was then sadly that the door opened. Josephine was talking and clearly not thinking. “Farren you have a meeting with Mahariel and I was told I could find you-”

She stopped speaking the second she looked up and back away. “Hello, Josephine. Can we push the meeting back maybe.”

Sadly she didn’t respond and Cullen approached. “Is everything alright?” He looked down after speaking and blushed so bright Farren would have laughed if he wasn’t looking much the same.

“Yes now could everyone leave please!”

“What’s going on here?” Shit! Cassandra walked over and laughed under her breath as she saw the scene. “I apologize for interrupting I just assumed something was wrong with all the shouting.”

“Clearly, nothings wrong so why is everyone still here.”

“So I take it-” Cassandra started to say but Bull seeing the chance for a joke cut her off.

“Actually, he’s the one whose been taking it.”

Farren laughed as he walked forward. “Every things fine, please move the meeting back a bit. Now if that's all I’m trying to have some time with Bull.” And she slammed the door shut. Sure it was rude but he was horny.

“You feeling okay?”

“I’m worried about Cullen I think you may have blinded him.” At that Bull rolled his eye.

“What is you wanted to talk about before we get started.”

Ah, yes. The tooth. He reached down and grabbed it hands shaking slightly as he held it up. “I have something for you.” He turned to face Bull who was still laying on the bed. “It’s a dragons tooth split in two.”

He didn’t dare look up. He couldn’t. He felt as naked as Bull was. Mind racing as he felt a large hand grab his. Looking up he saw tears in Bull’s eye. “Not often people surprise me, Kadan.”

“Kadan?” He asked as Bull took the tooth.”

“It means ‘center of one's chest.’ Or in our case, it means my heart. My love. Kadan.”

“Ma vhenan. In elven, we say Ma vhenan.”

Bull smiled and laid him down against the sheets. “I like the sound of that.” He whispered lips slowly trailing down Farren’s collar. His fingers made quick work of Farren’s clothes.

Farren moaned softly at the kisses that trailed down his collar. Body burning with pleasure at each press of warm lips against his over heated flesh. Bull began to rut against his thigh and for the first time Farren felt how big he was. The night he sucked him off the room was dark and he didn’t get a good look. Now however he could feel Bull’s massive cock rubbing against his thigh. It was thick and burning, and clearly huge.

“Shit, how am I suppose to take all that Bull?” He groaned looking down between them.

Bull pulled back and sat up. “You don’t ever have to. I know elves are small I can’t imagine you’d be able to take me all the way inside. So what were doing now is more then fine.”

Farren sat up and grabbed Bull’s cock. He couldn’t really warp his fingers around it fully. It was smaller at the tip and it made sense looking at it now why he couldn’t get much in last time. “You’ve gotta be like 12 inches.”

“16,” Bull corrected as Farren’s eyes went wide. “It’s large even for Qunari though we do tend to be bigger.”

“Well elves are flexible, and as a mage I’m sure I can make some sort of lube that would help.”

“Farren, Kadan. You don’t have to do that. We never have to go that far. I don’t mind. To be honest I’ve never had sex with someone who wasn’t Qunari.”

“Okay, I understand but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna try. And that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to finish what you started.” Farren laid back down and closed his legs eyes wandering back up to Bull’s. “Do you want to fuck my thighs? I see you looking at them when were walking around.”

Bull grunted and leaned back over to kiss him, a warm hand pinned his wrist down. “Fuck yes”, he whispered breathless as he pulled back.

Farren moaned as Bull’s huge cock slipped between his thighs. Thick and pulsing he wondered what it’s be like inside. Fuck, was already leaking pre cum. Bull made him feel so eager, so desperate. He needed this, had to have him again. Bull wasted no time in getting started again. His cock slipping easily between Farren’s warm thighs. 

Each thrust brushed their cocks together and caused Farren to toss his head from side to side. He was trying to be silent, trying not to give away what was being done to him. How fast he was being ruined. Body dripping with sweat as his fingers raked down Bull’s back. His breath was leaving him in soft pants.

His mind was slowly going blank. The pressure wasn’t right though. “More, please gods more.” He whispered into Bull’s neck before biting down.

“Yeah, you need more Kadan? Tell me what you want in detail. Let me hear those filthy words.”

“Please”, he moaned as he spread his thighs allowing Bull to slip lower. Now their cocks were pressing right against each other. “Make me cum all over myself, ruin me. Please Bull I’ll be good just ruin me.”

“Fuck, of course you’ll be good. So good for me already aren’t you. Such an eager little slut and all for me.” He began to move again. Quick thrust driving Farren over the edge in no time. Bull followed suit shortly after cumming all over the over heated skin.

Farren smiled and rubbed their cum into his stomach. “I want everyone to smell us. To know I’m yours.”

“Shit”, Bull grunted as he pressed their foreheads together. “You really are something else Kadan.”

“So I’ve been told.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for my smol bae and my tol bae. SHOUT OUT TO MY BAES! 505 by Arctic Monkeys


	10. Danger in our consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Into the fade we go.

As it was the nature of things time continued to move forward, dragging Farren along with it. He’d much rather stay lying naked in bed, but the world was not so kind as to let him. So he moved slowly out of bed slowly, careful of Bull’s large limbs that held him just seconds before. Above him he could hear the faint sounds of Ghila breathing. He was glad she was resting after the nightmare she’d had. Farren made his way to the bathroom and began his morning ritual. It wasn’t long before he heard heavy foot falls.

“You gonna wake her before we head out?” Bull asked upon walking in.

“I can’t very well leave without telling her goodbye. I know she doesn’t want me to go, and damn if it doesn’t make it harder.”

“She’ll be okay. She’s a very resilient child.”

“I know, I just feel guilty. She got here what, two weeks ago? Now I’m leaving her. It’s unfair.” Farren made his way out of the bathroom and up the latter to Ghila’s bed. Her hair was down and framed her face, a halo of raven locks. He smiled as he shook her awake, gently. He leaned down beside he and whispered into her ear. “Wake up ma’hallain it’s morning. Time to get up and enjoy the day.”

She made a noise at the sound and burrowed deeper into the covers. “I hate the day I want to sleep.”

“Sorry ma’hallain, but it’s morning and I’ve gotta head out in three hours.” At that, she sprung up clinging tighter to her halla. Her eyes welled up with tears as her bottom lip began to quiver. Farren knew that if she cried he would to and he didn’t want that. “Come on why don’t we wash up and daddy can do your hair? Then breakfast before I go.”

Her eyes narrowed as the tears finally spilled down her cheeks. “Don’t leave daddy please!” She shouted, shutting her eyes and lunging right at him.

He held her tightly and began crying. Fuck, why was the world so cruel? He felt like a monster as she cried, hiccuping against his chest. Farren could see Bull looking at them when he glanced down. “I have to go Ghila, I have to. But I will come back. I promise. I’ll come back alive and in one piece. Nothings gonna take me away from you. Now come on, let's go wash up.”

The words did little to soothe her but at least he was able to bathe her. He was thankful when Bull returned with breakfast, it meant they didn’t didn’t have to leave. Any extra time he got with Ghila was a blessing, and a curse. He wouldn’t trade a second of it away however. He spent some time doing her hair before they ate. He knew she wouldn’t let anyone else while he was gone. Ghila seemed to be feeling better by the time the runner came by and knocked. 

Bull answered the door and told the man they’d be down shortly. Farren grabbed his bags and fixed his hair. Bull smiled and gave Ghila a kiss on the cheek. It made his heart ache watching the two people he loved more then anything else make each other smile. Though the smile quickly faded from Ghila’s face as they made their way out the door. 

“Daddy please, please don’t go. I’ll do anything just stay please.” She begged fresh tears running down her cheeks. Snot filled her nose making it hard for her to breath. It didn’t help her as she screamed and clung to him. “Daddy don’t leave me.”

He could see Melana and Aria by the door, they were looking at him with such a sympathetic gaze. It made him angry. Made him feel like he was failing his own child. “Ghila I have to go people are counting on me.”

“I’m counting on you too!”

His heart lurched in he chest and he knelled down. “Ghila please, please I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you. Leaving you, it hurts worse than anything else. So please be strong for me. Ghila I don’t have it in me to be strong without you.” He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes again.

She took a deep breath, then another, then finally nodded. “I can be strong, but you have to come back.”

“He’ll come back, I promise even if I have to drag his ass back,” Bull said as his large hand ruffled her hair.

“Okay, you be safe to Bull, don’t you die or I’ll be very sad.”

Bull nodded and they walked out of the room. Farren could feel his emotions leaving and sighed. Numbness was a blessing in moments like this. He walked outside and took stocks of everything in front of him. The army, the people who both worshiped and respected him. It was going to be a long trip. One filled with him regretting all of his life choices and wishing he drank, well drank more. Wishing that drinking was fun and didn’t leave him with a gross taste in his mouth. 

“You okay”, Dorian asked as they made their way up front. 

“No, but no one else needs to know that. So let's head out.”

There was a roll call before they set out. Finally though, finally they were on their way. Not to say he was eager to leave more like he was eager to return. The snow whipped around over head, and Farren took note of the path they were on. It’d be unlikely they’d have an easy time finding it on the way back. Winter was fast approaching and burying them beneath piles of snow. He could hear conversation all around him but none of it was particularly interesting. A head of him Mahariel’s people were talking about some fights they’d been in recently. Behind him his inner circle was talking about the up coming fight. Battle talk, oh joy. Just what he longed to hear on this ride to yet another fight. The view however made up down it. The snow covered mountains, the sunlight as it lit the skyline. It was beautiful, truly breath taking. Pity he couldn’t enjoy it more often.

The trip seemed an eternity.At certain points Farren was sure it had been more then a couple of weeks. Each time they stopped the tents had to be set, drills had to be run, mounts tended to. A veritable cornucopia of bullshit he’d rather not have to deal with. It was much easier and faster traveling in a small group, or with his clan. At least the clan was used to moving in a large group. People understood their tasks and went about them quickly and efficiently. The soldiers seemed new to the whole ordeal that was traveling in a large with so many people. Still things were coming along if at a snails pace. They reached the edge of the desert and began setting up tents. It was then that Farren heard some sort of commotion. 

Outside were Anders and Fenris? Anders was shouting calling for Hawke with panic in his voice. Looking around frantically for any sign of his lover. When he spotted Farren he raced towards him instead. “Inquisitor, I have urgent news!” Once he was right in front of Farren however he couldn’t talk, to out of breath. Farren handed him his water skin and watched in amusement as Anders drained the whole thing. 

“Should we speak privately?” 

Anders nodded and Farren made his way over to his tent. Once inside the others began to join them. Hawke sitting beside Anders and rubbing his back soothingly. As Bull and Cullen finally made their ways in and shut the tent Farren took note. His tent was large sure but with the inner circle, Mahariel’s people, Fenris,Hawke and Anders it was growing rather cramped. Still Anders stood in the center of the room with a panicked look on his face. “He’s trying to summons an ancient demon, one so old and massive the ritual to do it takes weeks just to set up.”

Everyone looked understandably horrified. This changed everything, not just a demon army he could control then. One that could also be run by some ancient demon. Lovely. Just what the world needed more of fear demons. “Do you know what kind of demon?”

“No, I wasn’t able to find out. It wasn’t me that found this out. We were resting near a rift I guess, and Justice was able to get a spirit to talk to him. It told him some of what it’s been seeing in the fade. About some ancient demon that was going to make its way to the surface world.”

“Thank you, Anders,” Cullen said as he stood up. “I should go inform the soldiers that I’m doubling their training. We truly can’t afford to lose now.” Cassandra nodded along and followed him out. 

“Everyones dismissed.” Farren shouted cradling his aching head in his hands. “Anders,Fenris please stay on until we’ve made sure this thing has been dealt with. Justice could aide us in this more then most.” Anders simply nodded as they left. A quick healing spell for his head was all he needed. That didn’t mean he wanted to waste the energy going it. In that moment of debating weather or not he should he felt a warm hand press against his head. Long fingers and warm healing magic. Glancing up let him see Dorian was mere inches from his face. His hand pressed gently against Farren’s head. Rings cool against over heated skin. Dorian didn’t say anything just kept the spell going. 

Farren laced his fingers into the soft back hair pulling Dorian closer. Foreheads pressed together as his eyes shut. Dorian always smelled so nice, even after long journeys. Like fresh spices and-and a bit of vanilla. “Love you.” He whispered letting out a sigh as he head stopped it’s pulsing. 

“Love you too,” Dorian said as he stood up and made his way out. “I’ll be staying in here tonight. You owe me since you clearly have the better tent. And since I’ll be in here Hawke and his boys can take my tent.”

Farren just nodded and watched him leave. They weren’t really equipped to fight an ancient demon. The soldiers were still being trained in combat against people. Fighting demons was a whole other beast, and he wasn’t sure they could do it. Sure they’d try to but demons were far harder to kill than people the older they got. He prayed they didn’t ever have to face the damn thing.

A rustle of fabric and the sounds of heavy foot fall alerted him to the fact that Bull was now in his tent. “You said I could talk to you if I needed to.”

Farren smiled warmly or at least tried to. He got the feeling it wasn’t his best. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”

“Bit of this, bit of that. Ancient demons mostly. Think we’ll end up seeing it?”

“No, I highly doubt it at least. We’re making good time we should get there before they finish this ritual.”

Bull stepped close rubbing his neck. Tense sigh slipping past his lips, “I guess the thought of fighting some ancient ass demon has me a little nervous.”

“Is there anything I can do to reassure you? I could tell you jokes.”

That earned him an amused look as Bull leaned back against his desk. “Okay, go for it.”

He thought for a moment before deciding on something bad. The worse the better in this case. “Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?” Farren asked smirking as he stepped closer to Bull. “He's all right now.”

Bull laughed brightly a smile now on his face. “Okay, that was okay. I’ve got a better one, though.” Bull cleared his throat, “How do you _defeat_ your enemies? Ya, chop off their feet.”

“Oh wow, that was so bad. Really bad. I think it made me sick. Oh god-” Farren started to fake vomit as Bull slapped him on the back. “Got anything better?”

“Kadan I’m made of puns I have thousands.”

“I bet I’ve got you’ve never heard before.”

“I doubt that but try me.”

“Bull, I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit for years.”

The look as Bull took a second before doubling over and laughing made Farren smile. “Can I steal that one?”

“Of course I got it from a book, gah I wish I could remember which one. It was such a good book.”

“Thank you kadan,” Bull said as he stepped forward and grabbed Farren’s chin. A soft brush of lips that deepened as Farren pulled him closer. Chaste compared to how they normally kissed.Still, it lit that fire inside him all the same. When they pulled back Dorian was standing in the tent with a rather large smirk on his face.

“I’m sorry for interrupting,” Dorian said as he walked in and set his stuff by the large bath. “I, however, need a bath.”

“I’ll just be going then unless you need some help.”

“If I was going to have someone help me it’d be Cullen.”

Bull laughed softly before kissing Farren on the cheek. “Sweet dreams kadan.” With that, he left.

As Dorian soaked in his bath Farren spent some time replying to letters.He was careful in giving details to his mother about what they were doing, it’d only worry her. Then he looked over the map some more. Going over the plan for the fight. He was more nervous now then he was before, and that didn’t help anyone. Farren knew only so much about demons, and one thing anyone knew was that they grew more powerful with age. Not just large hulking beasts, but smart. So powerful in the fact that they could out wit most people. It’s how they lived for so long. Eventually Dorian finished with his bath and Farren washed up. 

When he walked out Dorian was reading by faerie light. It was strange how simple little pink and white lights made him feel safer. Something about them put him at ease. Not that Farren couldn’t see in the dark, the light was just comforting right now. He dried off slowly mind wandering to thoughts of Bull. He hoped Bull was okay. He didn’t like fighting demons something Farren understood. Now however they were fighting to keep some large demon from coming, though. He was well aware how quickly demons could take over someone's mind. Bull, however, wasn’t weak willed. It’d be hard for any demon to try and control him. 

Farren yawned and chanced a glance outside his tent. It was around midnight if he had to guess. He should already be in bed. He was no use to anyone half asleep. He made his way back over to the large bed covered in furs.“I love you Dorian.” Farren said as he fell beside Dorian. “I love you so much. It’s funny how I thought I wasn’t gonna like you but I like you. Love you in fact.”

He could see a faint blush on Dorian’s cheeks as he shut the book. “How sweet of you to say. The feelings mutual of course, now what’s wrong?

“Why must something be wrong for me to tell you how much I love you?” Farren asked as Dorian leveled him with a glare. “Okay I’m nervous but nothings wrong per say. Pessimist.”

“I meant what’s wrong with Bull. This is that big lummoxes first big fight since leaving the Qun. Is he nervous about it?”

“Shit!” Farren said as his head smacked against the pillow. “How the fuck did I forget that? How did I his fucking boyfriend forget that? I’m doing just a swell job today.”

Dorian laughed and ruffled his hair. “It’s no wonder you forgot you’re stressed. Now go to sleep you can deal with it in the morning.”

“Love you Dorian.” He said yet again as he pulled some blankets up around him.

“You know you were the first person to say that to me who didn’t fuck me. My father never said he loved me. The man rarely said he liked me. My mother only spoke to me to tell me how I was failing her. The men that said it only said it during sex. You were the first person to ever say it to me, and not want anything.”

As if Dorian hadn’t suffered enough. As if Halward hadn’t been cruel enough. How could a parent never say they loved their child? Not once. His heart ached. Poor Dorian so young, no one to kiss his knees when he fell, no one to kiss his head at night. Who chased away his nightmares, who held him when he cried? If Farren had to guess no one did. No one Dorian prided himself on being so self-reliant. On not needing anyone.

Farren sat up and pushed Dorian down and started tucking him in. “Bed time Dorian my love. You need your rest.”

Dorian blushed and shook his head. “You aren’t my father.”

“If you recall I am in fact your father, so go to bed.”

Dorian rolled his eyes and let out a small laugh. “Ah yes, I do recall that. Alright, daddy, I’ll go to bed.”

“You made that way more sexual then it needed to be Dorian.”

“I tend to do that.”

Farren didn’t fall asleep that night. He laid awake for sometime listening to Dorian’s breathing, and soft snores (that he denied). Eventually he gave up trying to sleep. Slipping out of the tent and going for a walk sounded much nicer. The air in the desert was freezing cold. Still it was better then the heat that’d clung to them throughout the day. He’d take the freezing cold air to heat. The sand between his toes was pleasant enough once he warmed up. As he was walking he spotted Solas. Sitting only 100 feet away by a small fire. Farren made his way over and sat down beside him.

“Can’t sleep either?”

“I’ve been trying to make contact with any spirits that might know something, but they are nowhere to be found.”

“How lovely. So whatever this demon is it’s old and so terrifying it’s driven away local spirits.”

“If anyone stands a chance of getting to the wardens before they start this insane ritual it’s us.”

“I just don’t feel right about killing so many people. So many people whose only crime was trusting the wrong man.”

Solas nodded sagely in that way he did, that way that made him seem ageless. Like he knew all the worlds secrets. Farren wondered idly if one day he’d ever be able to nod with that much…knowledge. “I understand how you must feel. Trust me I do not relish the idea of our up coming fight. However, we must fight. Not for ourselves but for all of those innocent people who cannot.”

“I know, and I intend to fight. I intend to win. I just with we could without killing anyone else. Without hurting anymore innocent people. I wish no one else had to die.”

“You aren’t a killer. You're not a soldier Farren. You’re too clever, your mind wants to think it’s way out of this. Try and out maneuver the bloodshed. Sometimes in chess, however, a piece must be sacrificed for victory. Even if we wish we didn’t have to. Even if we go back in our minds and think of ways we could have done that differently. Sometimes, in the moment people die.”

Farren brought his knees up and pulled himself closer to the fire. “I’ve killed before this. Hell, I’ve killed with you. It’s just…those people all attacked first. Now, it’s us Solas. We’re attacking first. I’m not defending my life I’m murdering.”

“We aren’t. They attacked first by siding with Corypheus.Even if they don’t know they did. It’s too late to change what must happen. We’re just doing out best to save lives.” With those words, Solas rose and walked inside a small cave. “You should head back to your tent Farren. Try and rest.”

Farren nodded and went back to camp. He laid back down and felt Dorian’s arm wrap rightly around his waist. “Where’d you go?”

“Out for a walk. Talked to Solas.”

“You gonna be okay?”

“Maybe. I think I just need sleep.”

Dorian made a noise of agreement before falling back asleep. Farren smiled as he finally fell asleep. Upon waking he found the bed empty and Dorian getting dressed. “Well hurry up sleeping beauty. I’ve been trying to wake you for some time. You’re gonna miss breakfast.”

“Nah”, Farren yawned as he stood up and stretched. “They’ll save some for me. I am after all their leader. The Herald of Andraste.” He muttered stilled annoyed at the term.

Dorian rolled his eyes and left the tent. Farren spent some time dressing and fixing his hair. Brushing his teeth to remove that taste of sand. Finally, he stepped out to see most of the camp had been taken down. Making his way over to grab some breakfast he caught bits of soldiers conversations. It turned out that most of them already knew what Anders said. Saying they were scared would be one hell of an understatement.

He ate quickly but didn’t really notice what he was eating. They were on their mounts by 9am and heading out. The sun was just starting to set as the met up with the wardens Zedd had sent out before hand. A young man named Carver Hawke and an older warden named Stroud. The younger Hawke seemed nothing like his brother. Much harsher, eyes looked somehow younger, and more battle hardened. The things Garrett seemed to hide his brother clearly did not.

Now was not the time for his mind to be wandering.They all hopped off their mounts and began talking about the upcoming battle. Idea’s on how best and safest to get inside the keep. By nightfall, they were more or less ready. He caught a few soldiers throwing up before they began the march. It was so bright despite it being night. The moons lit the sky above, a silver glow across the sand. The stars felt like thousands of eyes watching them. Judging them. Each step was closer to victory or closer to death.

The air around them was cold and crisp. The first wave of soldiers was up and over in seconds. The trebuchets launching flaming boulders over the walls. The gate burst in wards as soldiers fell beside the battering ram. The scent of fear and blood permeated the air. He could hear screams all around him as they ran inside. Mahariel took the lead and everyone followed closely behind. Farren did his best to keep barriers up as the fight raged on around him. At some point, he’d drawn his sword and cleaved a man in half. The blood covered his hand and part of his clothes.

“You okay?” Sylas asked as he stepped beside Farren.

“Just fine.”

“You’re shaking. I suggest taking a few deep breaths. Best not to swing a sword with a hand shaking that badly.”

He walked off as Farren glanced down at his shaking hands. He was already a mess and they’d only just started. He managed a couple deep breaths before they had to keep going. Mahariel kept yelling at the wardens. Begging with them to see reason. It was so odd to see such a powerful women begging. She could easily fell them all but she pleaded with them. Some saw reason. Some took up arms in support. 

After mere moments they came to the center. Mages covered in blood preparing to summon a demon. Not just any demons, an ancient demon. Mahariel called out to them as well but the mages were gone. A fight broke seconds later as Erimond fled and that fucking dragon reappeared. Farren had foolishly hoped he’d seen the last of it. Clarel who had thankfully seen reason ordered he men to help as she chased him down. It was quick work killing the pride demon that had appeared. Following them, however, was harder.

They ran was fast they could trying to keep up with Clarel and dodge the bloody dragon.When they found them Clarel was fighting (and besting) Erimond. She had him nearly dead when that mother fucking dragon attacked. It tried to eat her whole. They rushed forward trying to help but it was too late. She was already casting some spell. Drawing on he blood and her pain some unknown magic filled the air and everything grew hot. Suddenly with a bust of energy the spell finished and everything began to fall.

“Run!” He heard himself yell as the stone beneath him fell. He saw Bull begin to slip down the crumbling path and dove for him. 

“Kadan go!”

“No! Not without you!” He shouted just as the stone work gave way and they fell. In his panicked haze, he felt some strange familiar magic call to him. Without thinking, he reached his hand out and…nothing. All he saw was darkness for a moment as he kept falling. Suddenly the world around him a sickly green and he stopped falling. Only to start falling in reverse?

He saw Bull standing beside him and almost cried. “Where are we?” Bull asked poking one of the rocks.

“The fade”, a strange voice called out from behind them. Anders walked forward his skin a glow with blue lights. They had no pattern to them and lit his whole body. “The demon is nearby. It is an ancient fear demon, very old. Its influence has tainted this part of the fade.”

“Justice do you know this area at all?” Hawke asked as he stood up and brushed himself off.

“No, I can not say I do. Faith?” He asked turning his head slightly.

Faith? Farren turned his head to look and was a shocked. The same sort of light as with Anders only more of a golden hue. Zedd Mahariel stood there soft wings made of light shimmering through he form as she drifted around. Her feet never touching the ground. “I’ve never been here before.” The voice said, and it clearly was Mahariel’s. It was softer more melodious.

No one spoke as Mahariel (Faith?) began to move forward. Farren took another look back and saw Cole sitting on the ground. A look of sheer panic on his face.

“I can’t be here. I can’t be here.I left I forgot, made myself forget. This is wrong!”

Farren walked closer and knelled down in front of him. “Cole? It’s going to be okay Cole. I promise. I know you’re scared but I’ll get you out okay? Trust me.”

“I left. I can’t be here again. I can’t be here.”

Farren slowly wrapped an arm around him pulling Cole into a hug. “I’ve got you. You’ll be okay Cole I promise.”

Cole looked at him wide eyed and nodded. No one spoke but it was clearly everyone was tense. Sera,Bull, and Vivienne were glaring at Anders and Mahariel. Giving them looks ranging from distrust to murderous. Bull and Sera also looked rather unnerved. Cassandra was too busy looking around at everything with Solas. Varric was sticking as close to Hawke and Fenris as possible. Mahariel’s people followed right behind her. Except for Loghain who hung back a bit. His sword drawn his eyes taking in everything.

They walked around and quickly found an inactive Eluvian. He’d never seen one up close. In any other circumstance, he’d want to study it but not now. Right now he just wanted to leave. Finally, they made their way up some stairs and began to head north. Everyone stopped walking at the sight of the spirit floating in front of them. It looked just like Divine Justinia.

“Are you Divine Justinia?” Cassandra asked stepping closer.

“I have no idea. Maybe. I could be her spirit. I could be her dying wish. I have no answer to give you that would be satisfying.”

“I hate the fucking fade,” Bull mumbled under his breath.

“Can you help us?” Farren asked approaching the spirit.

“First you must regain what it took from you. What you lost that day.”

Looking around he saw glittering fragments. Jewels that when he touched contained bits of memory. Upon gathering them all together a shock wave slammed into him. It showed him interrupting Corypheus' ritual. Trying foolishly to save the Divine, and in doing so touching the orb. The Anchor the mark that had forever changed his life was the result of him picking op the damn orb. Next, it showed the Grey Wardens under Corypheus influence.They were magically restraining the Divine for the sacrifice. Holding her up with magic as Corypheus prepared to kill her. Everyone looked a little disturbed by the memories they saw. The spirit urged them forward. A harsh silence as they followed her forward. 

It got worse when a voice rang out. “Once again, Hawke is in danger because of you, Varric. You found the red lyrium. You brought Hawke here.”

Varric pulled out Bianca and smirked. “Oh just keep talking smiley.” As he loosed an arrow at a fearling.

The fearlings weren’t hard to fight as Farren killed three with one bolt of lightning. It was only when they changed shape that he stopped. He knew it was just the fade. Just a trick to break him faster. How was he suppose to kill his daughter, though? He big eyes staring up at him as the demons quickly advanced on him. He screamed lunging forward to protect as Bull swung down. The blade stopping an inch away from his body. Farren just curled into a ball and closed his eyes. This was too much. Too cruel for him. They made no sound when dying which he was grateful for as he looked up. 

“You can change them back,” Solas said as he walked up behind him. “Just focus and turn them into something easier to kill.”

“What are they?” Sera asked as she downed a health potion.

“Fearlings and they changed shape to make them harder to kill,” Solas explained as the walked on.

“What did change into fro you?” Sera asked looking at Farren as though her eyes could bore into his brain and retrieve the answer.

“Ghila.”

No one said anything after that until the demon spoke again. “Do you think it mattered, Hawke? Do you think anything you ever did mattered? You couldn’t even save your city. How could you expect to strike down a god? Anders and Fenris are going to die, just like your family, and everyone you ever cared about.”

“First off Carver is just fine to thank you very fucking much. Secondly, have you met Fenris or Anders they’re gonna out live me easily. I’m the idiot that keeps going off to fight high dragons.”

The demon let out a dark chuckle. Farren wondered how something like a laugh could ever sound so dangerous. “Greetings, Dorian…it is Dorian, isn’t it? For a moment, I mistook you for your father.”

Dorian snorted and flipped his middle finger to the sky. “My father could never pull off this look sorry.”

The talking stopped as the next wave of fearlings hit them. Farren focused them back into spiders as they attacked. It was harder then he thought it would be but he did it. After the fight, Farren found more of his memories. They revealed that it was, in fact, the Divine, not Andraste saved his life. She died though saving him and making sure he could escape. This sparked a fight between some of the wardens who were now pissed off that their people had been used like that. Mahariel or rather Faith urged them to wait. That the fighting to wait until they were once again safe.

The demon wasted no time in starting in on them again. “Sera, Sera, Sera. If you shoot an arrow at me, I’ll know where you are.”

“Fuck! Get it out of my head.” She whined clutching tighter at her bow.

Solas rubbed his hand on her back. “It’ll be alright Sera.”

“Dirth ma, harellan. Ma banal enasalin. Mar solas ena mar din.”

Solas just sighed softly and whispered “Banal nadas.”

They wandered in silence yet again before the demons voice broke through the fog. “You can’t win Farren. You weren’t strong enough to fight her off how can you beat me.”

Ah, that was all it had? Truly? Nothing about how he’d failed Ghila? Just Vee? Really? “Nothing better? Honestly, I thought you were gonna hit me harder than that.”

“Such a good boy you’ve been. Playing your part so well. They’d all be disgusted if they knew how weak you were. How you let her use you like that. Too pathetic to fight her off.”

Farren inhaled sharply though his nose. That stung a bit more. “You could use anything but you chose the one thing I don’t care about. You’re really bad at this. I can give you another try if you’d like.”

There was a long silence as the continued forward. The demon spoke again this time not pulling any punches. “You still love her.”

It was only four words just four gods damned words. It didn’t feel like it though it felt like a blow to the chest so severe he could hardly breathe. It hurt because it was true. He did still love despite the pain she’d caused him. Despite the nightmarish hell scape she’d left him in. She lit the world around them on fire and watched him burn with glee. It didn’t stop him from loving her. Some part of him, however, small still missed her. Still remembered her with a fondness. Rose colored glasses taking away the crueler things she’d done.

He did his best to mask the sudden wave of feelings, but it was clear his face was giving away how much that last statement had hurt. “Kadan?” Bull put a hand on his back and leaned down. “It doesn’t matter what that thing says okay? Your strong and it’s weak, just trying to fuck with your head.”

Bull was, however, the last person he wanted to hear from. Fuck, he and Bull had just confessed to each other not long ago. The last thing he needed to hear was that Farren still loved the woman that raped him. Fucking fuck what did that make him? No, now was not the time. He took a deep breath and shut down. Best to disassociate now then later. He needed to not feel right now. He needed to remain focused on the fight.

The demons just laughed as they found themselves in another fight. When they stopped to heal up Farren looked around. Graves? He noticed off in the distance a row of graves. Each one had one of their names on it. Solas: Dying alone, Cole: Despair, Sera: Nothing, Dorian: Temptation, Cassandra: Helplessness, Varric: Become his parents, Vivienne: Irrelevance, Iron Bull: Madness, Blackwall: Himself. Hell, there were some for the wardens. Zedd: Failure, Sylas: Darkness, Loghain: Anora. He walked around reading them all until he found his. Farren: Returning. 

“Did you find something?” Dorian called out as they all began walking over.

“Graves. I think there suppose to represent out greatest fears.”

Everyone began looking for theirs. Some people made jokes like Dorian. Other just sat in silence like Hawke. Farren glanced over at Hawke’s grave to see what rendered the man silent. Garrett: Power. Hawke was afraid of power? Or maybe being a position of power. Anders or rather Justice was glaring down at two graves with a look full of malice. Anders: Vengeance. Fenris: Being Enslaved. These were not things people just shared and he was starting to feel sick reading them. He wasn’t the only one reading all of them. No one just read theirs. After a full minute of reading the graves they left. 

The spirit lead them forward and then launched it’s self at the demon. The demon which looked bigger then Skyhold. The massive demon vanished leaving behind a powerful but not unbeatable demon. Farren couldn’t even imagine fighting Nightmare. That was its name, the massive spider looking demon. Sickly green skin with chunks carved out where it’s eyes laid. The damn thing was grotesques. The fear demon the aspect of Nightmare that remained wasn’t easy, however. The damn thing kept throwing up barriers and summoning fearlings. He watched Mahariel…Faith flyies over head and shoot a barrage of arrows at the thing that seemed to hurt it more than any attacks they were doing. He was thankful that Justice and Faith were around. 

 

The demon finally beaten it took too long. Nightmare had returned. “Go”, he heard Justice yell.

Farren rushed to open the rift as the team ran through it was only then that he saw Justice and Faith still hanging back. “Come on.” He shouted.

“We’ll stay behind if we don’t the demon will come after you all.”

Nightmare laughed it’s mouth unmoving as the sound echoed in their heads. “Do you think you two can truly beat me?”

Farren looked at the rift then down at the two of them and leapt down. No way was he leaving them to fight this thing alone. Justice summoned a sword out of thin air as plate armored surrounded him. Faith finally landed wings shimmering behind her. The bow in her hand glowed along with her armor. Farren just stood back and watch for a moment as they unleashed a flurry of attacks. Chunks went flying as they no long held back. Bright light filling the surrounding area as the fought with all they had.

He stepped up as Faith was flung back and cast a wordless healing spell. It wasn’t much but it seemed to help. It was all he could do was heal them as they fought the demon. Nightmare gave as good as it got decimating them the second their made a mistake. They didn’t stop, however. Each time it knocked them down they just rose up again. Screaming as they fought it. Finally after what felt like days of fighting the demon fell. Faith’s wings seemed to finally give out as he body fell from the sky.

Desperate to catch he Farren ran tossing his staff aside. He barely got to her in time as she fell into his arms with a thud. Justice wasn’t fairing much better. The armor gone now he looked weak, tired. “We must return now before we can no longer,” Justice said using the staff as a cane to walk up the stairs.Farren carried Mahariel out as the rift wavered.

Once through he was greeted by the sound of cheers. He handed Mahariel to Loghain as he closed the rift behind him. Not everyone was cheering, though. A glance over at the inner circle showed they all looked rather pissed. He jumped off the steps head down as he walked over. No one spoke for a good minute until Dorian.

“What were you thinking staying behind?!”

I wanted to be a hero. He thought I wanted to prove her wrong, to show that damn demon I’m stronger than it. I wanted to…”I wasn’t, I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Not good enough! We were worried sick about you. We waited an hour for you, Farren! An hour of wondering if you were going to come back at all.”

“It was only an hour?”

“For you, no. For you, it was several hours as time passes differently in the fade.” Solas replied still glaring at him.

“Ah, well I am sorry. It’s not like I did it to spite you, however.”

Bull just walked away and Dorian shook his head. “It doesn’t matter why you did it. You did it! You put yourself at risk. I don’t wanna tell your daughter you died you asshole!” He shouted before joining Bull. No one else spoke they just walked off. Except Solas.

“They were terrified.”

“I can imagine.”

“I was terrified for you as well. I wish you’d have come back with us but I understand why you didn’t. I understand why you felt like you had to.”

“I just- I needed to help them ya know? I just, I wish this whole war didn’t rely on me. I wish I was still just training to be keeper and could make a few mistakes.”

“Sadly you cannot and you are needed. Not by the war, not by us, but by Ghila. Think of how she’d feel.”

“I am and it makes me hate myself.”

Solas just nodded and smiled before he to walked off.

Farren went around thanking the soldiers and helping tend to the wounded. It was some time before he felt he’d done enough and went to bed. In his tent say, Bull, waiting. He said nothing as Farren entered waiting until Farren had bathed and eaten before speaking. 

“I was worried sick kadan!”

“I know”, Farren shouted as he flopped back on the bed. “I already know.”

“Why did you stay behind?”

“I thought I could help.”

Bull stood up and walked closer. “Don’t lie to me. Why did you stay behind?”

“Because- because I wanted to kill that thing! Did you hear it? I still love her, Bull. After everything she did I still love her. What if I go back to her Bull? What if I take Ghila and go back to her? God death is better than even letting her get her hand on Ghila.”

Looking up he could see Bull was now knelling. A large warm hand took both of his. “Don’t ever do that kind of shit again. Beyond that Farren, I don’t think you will go back to her. Sure, you still love her. Some part of you may always love her. That doesn’t mean you’ll go back. Now when you think of her what do you think of?”

“Her poisoning Ghila.”

“And that right there is why you won’t go back. Before it was only you that could get hurt. Now Ghila can.”

“I’m sorry I acted so selfishly.”

“Just try and be careful okay? I love you too much to watch you die.”

Farren just nodded and wound his arms around Bull’s neck. “I love you too. I love you so much.” He whispered as their lips pressed together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from Bloodstream by Transviolet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPdFQtRILsU


	11. And so it goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wardens leave Hawke leaves. Farren, however, is stuck with far more messes to clean up.

_Blood dripped from his hands. Shadows coalesced wrapping around him. Binding his wrist as he struggled to escape the voice taunting him. Smoke seemed to fill his lung when he tried to scream. Gold eyes locked with his as the figure moved closer. A thumb ran over his lips. Tendrils of smokey shadow forcing him onto his knees. Desperate and terrified he struggled to break free. Broken screams fell from bloodied lips as his vision went dark. A familiar female voice whispered in his ear._

_“Be a good boy, Farren.”_

Farren awoke gasping for breath, as Bull’s warm hand ran soothingly down his back. He found him shaking as he curled closer to Bull. He blamed it on the desert being so cold at night. Told himself it wasn’t because he was still afraid of her. That she still haunted him, plagued his waking and dreaming hours alike. Ruined part of him so severely it could never be fixed, he could never be fixed. Farren shook his head trying to clear those thoughts from his restless mind.

“You alright, kadan?” Bull asked his deep voice soothing Farren’s frayed nerves.

“No, but thank you for asking.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Hold me, if it’s not to much trouble.” Farren looked up at Bull as he was pulled closer. They sat like that for some time as Farren began to relax. “I had a nightmare about Vee.”

Bull’s hand stilled briefly on his back before continuing. “You didn’t say anything in your sleep, but you were struggling a lot so I figured as much.”

“I’m so sorry if I woke you.”

“No need to be sorry you can’t control it.” Farren’s body felt heavy and his eyes began to slip shut yet again. “Falling asleep, kadan?”

He just nodded as Bull laid back down Farren still on top of him. Bull always made him feel so safe, so warm, so wanted. Less like the failure he believed himself to be. Honestly, he worried he was putting too much pressure on him. Excepting Bull to care for him the way he was. He didn’t want to burden him. Did want to weigh him down. He’d have to talk to Bull about it later when he was more awake. For now, it was time to let the ghosts rest. He needed sleep. Not another night of his mind working overtime.

Farren awoke again to a warm bed without Bull. A note laid on the pillow beside him. It simply read _’Kadan had to run out and meet Red at the ruins. Will be back as soon as possible. Eat something, please._ ’. How sweet he’d taken the time to write him a note before leaving. It made Farren’s feel better about waking alone. He quickly washed up and dressed. Stepping outside into the hot sun he found another message waiting for him. This one was from Leliana summoning him to the ruins. He ate a quick breakfast before heading out.

The walk was long but he found he didn’t mind it so much. The sand between his toes was relaxing. The breeze carried with it the scent of sweet desert air. Of flowers that only bloomed in the heat. As he got closer to the ruins he could hear shouting. Another meeting filled with nothing but people yelling, oh joy. 

As he pulled open the massive door he could finally understand what was being said. “Are you telling me you’ve been possessed this whole time?”

“She’s not a demo,n and if I tell her to she’ll leave. Make no mistake I am not possessed.”

He walked in and spotted Bull and the rest of his inner circle. Along with Zedd’s wardens and Hawke’s people. Shouting at each other from across the room were Zedd and Cullen. “You led my men into what could have been certain death while you have a demon inside you!”

“Not a demon you fuck faced templar cock-sucker! She’s a spirit of faith.”

“Calm down,” Leliana said as she locked eyes with Farren. “Lord Inquisitor. We were worried you’d be in bed all day.”

“No, unfortunately for me I woke up. What’s going on here?”

Cullen walked toward him before anyone else could speak. “Zedd Mahariel is possessed and she could have cost you your life yesterday. She could have ruined this entire mission, and for what? A demon she decided we didn’t need to know about.”

“I. AM. NOT. POSSESSED!” She shouted hurling a stone at Cullen’s head. It hit with a loud thud as the wound began to bleed. 

Farren pressed his hand to the already bleeding wound and began healing. “Are you alright?” He asked as Cullen just nodded. “Warden Commander if you could refrain from giving the man who leads my troop's brain damage.”

Zedd just smirked and leaned back against a pillar. “He isn’t suffering from some already?”

Leliana sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. “Zedd say sorry. You shouldn’t have thrown that at him.”

“He should’ve dodge it. He could have if he’d been taking lyrium.”

Cullen jerked back and his eyes went wide. They locked with Cassandra’s then looked over to Leliana. “You told her?” He shouted.

“I didn’t but it’s clear Cullen. She can smell it. She pointed it out when he arrived.”

“Smell it?” He asked before sniffing himself. 

“You won’t be able to.” Farren supplied helpfully. “To a mage lyrium and people taking it smell a certain way. You don’t smell that way unlike the rest of the templars.”

Cullen sighs and slumped down against a half standing wall. “I would have told you, Farren. I swear I was going to if it became a problem.”

Farren just nodded and walked into the center of the room with Leliana. “Zedd can you explain how you came to be…merged with Faith?”

“Wynne.” She said the name like a prayer. “Long story short I went to the circle to help her. She was trying to save her son. Trying to save the mages. The Lord Seeker attacked us. I stayed behind to make sure they escaped, but I got hurt. Badly. She gave up Faith so that I could live. Transferred her into me and died in my place. I was barely alive when it happened all I remember was a warm light and Wynne’s voice.”

“Leliana did you know?”

“Yes. She and I tend not to keep secrets. That being said I don’t think it matters. She’s a warden after all and they have the right to do anything they think will end the blight.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Farren caught Loghain pressing a kiss to Zedd’s temple. Her eyes slipped shut as he whispered something in her ear. “That may be true, but I’d have liked to know beforehand.” Farren said as he turned back to face Leliana. A heavy silence fell over everyone as Farren looked around the room it was clear there was more going on. “Am I missing something else?”

“Just that Mahariel thinks you should toss Cullen aside like the trash she is..” Dorian shouted as he sat down beside Cullen. Running a bronze hand through golden hair. “She said he’d be better off dead.”

“First off that’s rich coming from a vint. Your people don’t have templars, and you already treat elves like trash! Second, he’s not good for an order that’s trying to help mages. The man’s a templar!”

“An ex-templar.” Dorian corrected glaring dagger at her.

“He once said to me that killing innocent mages was better then letting one potential blood mage live. Told Hawke that mages weren’t people! You’re letting a man who hates mages to his very core help lead an order that’s trying to save them! Tell me in what would that makes sense?”

At this Cullen stood up and shouted. “I know I’ve treated mages unfairly in the past! It was unworthy of me, and I haven’t done so since joining the Inquisition!”

“Do you hear yourself? ‘Unworthy of me.’ How fucking conceited of an ‘apology’ can you get! No, I’m not even going to call that an apology because nowhere in that sentence did you say sorry. Because you’re only sorry for how it’s hurt your image. Go fuck yourself you mage hating fuck wit!”

All eyes fell to Cullen. It was true in no part of that had he said sorry. “Fine, is that was you want? Me to say sorry?”

“No! I want you to be honest. Come on Cullen tell everyone the truth! Tell them all how you really feel. Stop hiding behind that polite fucking mask.”

Cullen inhaled sharply through his nose. “I was horrible. I went in thinking I’d help people. I was wrong. After a while, I only saw mages as a threat. Began to hate them even when I knew they did nothing wrong. I remained willfully ignorant to Meredith’s doings. Looked away when I knew I’d not like what I’d find. Ignored threats because I was angry. Mages, good mages, innocent children died because of me. I know I fucked up! I can’t undo it so I quit taking lyrium. Quit being a templar. I can’t go back in time and change it.” After a deep breath, Cullen spoke again. “I’m sorry. So sorry to all the mages I hurt. I failed to save them, and I know I did. I won;t let it happen again.”

Mahariel stood up and smirked. “Honesty suites you Commander.” She kissed Leliana on the cheek and began to leave. “Lavellan. We’re gonna leave you Zevran in case you have need of his skills, and you will. As for the rest of us, well. We need to go contact an old friend. One that will make winning this fight much easier.” Mahariel said as her men followed her out. Minus Zevran who hung back eyes closed. Seemingly waiting for something else to happen.

“We should go as well. No worries though a couple of our friends will be by to help out.” Hawke called out as he slipped something to Varric. “I’ve gotta take this scroll up to Weisshaupt.”

Just like that, they were gone. Farren wondered briefly if that’s what is was like to be one of the greats. A living legend. Always on the move. Cullen left shortly after followed by Zevran and Leliana. Farren hung back for a while as every slowly left the ruins. Even Bull headed back towards camp. Varric, Dorian, and Solas remained behind with him.

“That was intense”, Varric said with a laugh before taking a swig from his flask. “I honestly started to think someone was gonna draw their blade.”

Solas nodded and looked pensively at the large stone door. “Cullen is clearly still very haunted by his past. Not taking lyrium however…that worries me. Templars who stop taking have died. Will he be alright?”

“I trust him. He knows his limits. There's no point in bringing it up unless he does.” Farren looked around and noticed that the three them were wearing identical expressions. They’d waited behind to talk.Great.That could only mean good things.

“We wanted to talk about what happened in the fade,” Dorian said placing a hand on Farren’s shoulder as he spoke. “About what the demon said to you.”

“About your ex-wife.” Varric clarified. His face was a mix of concern and distress. Pale and a bit unsettled. Dorian and Solas also looked concerned. 

“It was nothing, at least nothing of import.”

“Farren we know that’s not true. Now you don’t have to tell us. We just want to make sure you're okay.”

The silence hung heavy around them yet again. He could feel the lies on his lips. The urge to keep his secrets. Not exposes his weakness. Be left vulnerable and bare once again. No, he could tell them. He could trust them. Of all people he knew, they wouldn’t betray him. Farren took a deep breath before speaking. Giving a condensed, but honest retelling of the events. Of what happened between him and Vee. Less than he told Bull, but more then he told anyone else. Afterwards they all just stood there.

“We had no idea da’len. I’m sorry you had to suffer like that.” 

Varric grabbed him by the hand and squeezed. “You ever need anything, like a good hit man, let me know.”

Farren laughed softly and nodded. He could feel Dorian’s arms wrapping around his waist. Warm lips pressed against the back of his neck. “Sorry.” Farren just stood there enjoying the feeling. It felt safe here. Despite the fact that he was sure there were giant spiders nearby. Farren relaxed as Dorian pulled him a little closer. Solas and Varric left them alone.

“You okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Dorian, I’m okay. Are you? Is there something you need to tell me?” Farren turned around bringing him face to face with Dorian.

“I feel like an ass. I never really thought about you having suffered. I dump all my problems onto you, and never once did I check and see if you were okay.”

“I am and was okay. Dorian, I would have told you sooner if it was a problem. Sometimes I have nightmares, but I’m okay now. She’s far away and I have Ghila.”

Dorian pulled back and smiled. “Just let me know if you need to talk.”

“Always,” Farren said as the finally left the ruins.

Outside the camp was being packed and everyone was clearly eager to return home. Home? Skyhold was home now he supposed. It had everything he needed. Ghila, a bed, food, Bull. He was also just as eager to return. He missed Ghila. He was sure she missed him too.

They walked for some time. The more senior members on horseback. Farren was towards the front eyes closed as he listened to the conversations around him. He’d talked enough for today, for a long while in fact. He’d grown tired of talking. He just wanted to listen. To not think. Not to be pitied. Just to be. 

Bull rode up beside him and laid a hand on his back. “You okay, kadan?”

Farren just nodded cracking his eyes open to get a look at Bull.

“You sure? You haven’t said a word since you and Dorian got back.”

He just nodded again and smiled. Bull seemed to understand and slow down. Settling back near Varric and Sera. Farren just went back to his peaceful silence. 

Then in dawned on him that Hawke had promised aide. Aide in what form? Who was he sending to help them? Did Hawke have spies? No, that was unlikely. No army. Allies then? Certainly not the Prince of Starkhaven. Though they use to be friends everyone knew they weren’t now. Not since he’d invaded Kirkwall and began his slaughter. He wondered who else Hawke would send. 

He also wondered if he could trust Zevran. The man was loyal to Sylas and Zedd first. So the answer wasn’t no it just wasn’t yes. So many new people coming to join. So many faces he didn’t know. How was he supposes to trust any of them? 

Before he knew it camp was being set and he was sleeping. He didn’t eat dinner that night. To tired to bother. When he woke that morning he was famished. Stomached growling loudly as he dressed and washed up. Breakfast was a short affair as everyone ate quickly. Camp was packed again and they headed back. The whole trip took seemingly forever but felt over before he knew it. When he saw the gate Farren raced ahead. The sounded of hoofs hitting wood echoed loudly off the mountains. 

He burst through the gate jumping off Violets back. He ran up the stairs stumbling a bit as he made his way into his room. The second he opened the door he saw her. Ghila curled in the center of his bed sleeping soundly. Her hair a mess, but still in its braids. He smiled and walked over. Sitting beside her he leaned down and gently kissed her forehead. “I missed you so much.” Ghila didn’t wake up from the kiss so he felt safe in changing. Farren was naked when the door opened. 

“Kadan?” Bull whispered as he crept up the stairs.

“She’s sleeping,” Farren whispered back. He was bent over looking for underwear when he felt a warm hand on his ass. “See something you like?”

“Fuck yes. Your ass is so fucking soft kadan. Just wanna take a bite.”

Farren laughed softly as he pulled on his underwear. “I don’t imagine it would taste very good right now. It’s been a while since I bathed. Maybe you can help me with that later, though-” He trailed off as his eyes wandered over to Ghila. “That kind of depends on her.”

“I can wait. I’m just glad to be back. To have you here safe and sound.” Bull leaned down and pressed a kiss to Farren’s forehead. “Besides I missed Ghila.”

“She’s already got you wrapped around her little finger huh?”

“She and her father have that in common.” 

Farren flushed and turned back around to finish getting dressed.”I’m sure I have work that needs to be done. I’ll try and do it quickly so I can be here when she wakes up.”

“Want me to stay with her?”

“If you don’t mind.”

With that Farren left Bull and Ghila alone. Farren felt odd being back. When he’d left the war had him at a loss. He’d lost people, lost innocent lives. Yet now Corypheus was the one who’d lost. Lost his stupid fucking demon army. Farren had taken it right from his cold disgusting…They’d redone the main hall. It looked amazing. He wanted to change around a few things, but it was stunning. He wished he could paint it and send it back to the clan. His mother would enjoy that.

Still he walked into Josephine’s office. He needed to get his paperwork and reports. “They did an amazing job out there.”

She smiled brightly up at him. Running over to wrap her arms around him. “I missed you all so much. How did it go?”

“We stopped him from getting a demon army. Freed some wardens. All in all not bad.”

“That’s fantastic news,” Josephine said before heading back to her desk. “I have a few meetings that need to be attended. If you’d like to join?”

“Not really, but I will if I’m needed. I actually came for the reports.”

“Ah, of course.” At that, she pulled out a large stack of papers. Though much smaller than Farren thought it’d be. 

“Not as many as I feared.”

“We’ve lost a few agents and had to fall back.”

“Welp.” Was all he said before taking the stack of papers and heading upstairs. They won a battle, not the war. He needed to remember that this fight wasn’t over just yet. That one victory didn’t mean shit if they lost the war. Thankfully when he got back upstairs Ghila was still asleep. Even better it seemed Bull was nodding off beside her. Bull needed the sleep. Farren just sat down and went back his work. Reading reports, signing off on things. He never thought he’d miss paperwork so much. The fade had been taxing, though.

“Daddy?” a voice called out from behind him.

Farren turned around to see Ghila just waking. “Good morning. Well, afternoon.” He said as he set his quill down and went over to her. 

Ghila hugged him so tightly it began to hurt, but he never moved her away. As she began to sob softly he pulled her in closer. She smelled the same, like warm honey and winter air. Her body shook as she cried. Oh, it was sight he hated to see. His little girl crying like this. He cooed softly in her ear, whispering soothing words to her. Nonsense really, but after a moment she seemed to breathe. After she dried her eyes she turned around and hug Bull. Just as tightly but thankfully with less crying.

“Missed you too”, Bull said as he sat up.

Farren stood up slowly. “I’m gonna go get some food. You two stay put.” As he turned to leave Ghila’s hand shot out. Her small fingers pulling at his sleeve. “Ghila I’ll be right back.”

She, however, didn't let go, if anything she clung tighter. “Stay.”

“You need to eat. I found a note on my desk that said you hadn’t been since I left. Ghila you need to eat.” He turned back around and kneeled down beside the bed. “You’re still growing so you need to eat a lot. It seems you haven’t been really eating at all. Ma’hallain I’ll be right back.”

She slowly let go of him and sighed. “I missed you lots.”

“I missed you too. So much more than you’ll ever know. So let me go get something, and we can all eat together. You can catch Bull and I up on what we missed?”

Ghila just nodded as Farren left. Sure he felt horrid for leaving her so soon after waking, but she needed to eat. He was quick about getting the food. Even quicker in getting back upstairs. He opened the door and smiled as he saw Ghila climbing down the ladder with her arms full of papers. Paintings she’d done while they were away. They ate while she showed them her work. Ten or so paintings of flowers,horses, and them. Bull praised each painting. Taking great care to point out all the things he liked about them. He was so genuine and sweet about it that Farren felt his heart race again.

It wasn’t long however before Ghila wanted to go out and play. Farren was however exhausted, and as much as he wanted to go play with her he couldn’t. Bull convinced her that they could have just as much fun without him. So with some coaxing Ghila and Bull left. Farren cleaned up a bit. Fixing the room just so before laying down. Only to have someone knock the second his head hit the pillow.

“Coming”, he shouted stomping his way over to the door, and yanking it open. “What is- Solas?”

“I’m so for bothering you I just wanted to talk.”

“I was about to go to sleep, but what is it?”

“Ah, perfect. Go back to sleep then. We can talk soon.” And with that odd ending to their conversation Solas left. 

Farren yet again climbed into bed and laid down. Almost as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out.

_”Have I ever told you I love the snow?”_

_Solas laughed softly and picked some up. “Is that so?”_

_“You throw that at me I kill you.”_

_“You wouldn’t, you love me.”_

_Farren laughed and picked up a large handful of snow. Ducking as Solas threw a ball right at his head. Before throwing one in return. Solas managed to just avoid it. “I only love you so much. So let's not test those limits.”_

_“I don’t know. I’ve always been fond of testing limits.”_

_Still they stopped playing in the snow and kept walking. Walking around empty Haven. Finally, they walked into the church were Farren first woke up. “No one thought you’d wake. A mortal sent through the fade. How could you hope to survive that?”_

_“I wasn’t about to die and leave Ghila.”_

_“I’m glad you fought so hard. I was worried and planning on running had to not.”_

_“Why? It doesn’t seem like you to run when the going gets tough.”_

_“I was a mage surround by chantry forces, and unlike you, I lack a mark that closes rifts.”_

_“Well, when said like that it makes sense. In fact, you seem kind of dumb for staying.”_

_Solas chuckled and left Farren following close behind. “Cassandra was angry and thought me a spy. I had just as little faith in her. Running seemed the safer option. With no spirits around to talk to, and you seemingly lost. I am glad I stayed.”_

_“As am I. I don’t think I could have survived this without you. I owe you my life.”_

_“No, I in fact owe you mine. You’ve saved me far more than I’ve saved you.”_

_Farren felt something stir. The world around him blurred for a second and he got dizzy. Falling forward only to be grabbed by Solas. “What was that? I think I’m sick. My head is spinning.”_

_“Someone’s trying to wake you up. I assume Ghila.”_

_“What?” Farren’s eyes went wide. The world seemed to blur more as Solas came into a sharper focus._

_“You’re asleep dear Farren. Haven is long since buried beneath the snow. Now it’s clear you need to wake up. So, wake up!” He said with a smirk as Farren took a step back and began falling._

Coming to he jerked up and knocked Ghila off him. “Oh shit, Ghila!”, he shouted as he reached for her.

He managed to just catch her before she fell off the bed. “Daddy what’s wrong? Were you having a bad dream?”

“Kadan are you okay?”, Bull asked as he sat down beside him.

“I’m fine, I think. I need to go talk to Solas right away.”

“We came to wake up because dinners ready.”

“Well, then I’ll see him at dinner.” Farren quickly got dressed. His mind was still reeling from whatever just happened to him. Was that a demon or was that truly Solas? He’d never spoken to someone else in his dreams before. He washed up quickly and joined everyone else in the dining hall. Solas, however, seemed to be absent. 

Farren ate quickly, excusing himself from the table and bolting towards Solas’s room. He saw the door was slightly ajar and pushed in. “Solas?”

“I’m in here”, he shouted. Inside Solas was sitting shirtless on his bed. A book in hand as he lifted a piece of bread to his lips. ”Are you feeling well? You look rather flush.”

“Did you talk to me in my dream?”

“Yes.”

“Do you do that often?”

Solas stood up laying to book face down on his bed. “No, but you are different. You’ve changed to world, changed me. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Can you teach me how to do that. How to walk into other people's dreams.”

“Of course I assumed you might want to learn.”

“I was just thinking how I could help- "

"Ghila? Keep her from having any more nightmares?”

"You know me too well."

Solas nodded before turning and grabbing a book off the shelf. “Read this tonight. Tomorrow I’ll help you gain more control of your dreams.”

He took the book and started to leave. “You should go shirtless more often. I know I’m enjoying the view.” 

Farren took the book upstairs and set it aside. He went about bathing Ghila and doing his paperwork. When he was done he laid down beside Ghila. Who had taken to laying in the center of the bed.Thankfully she was small and Bull could still sleep fine. Farren opened the book carefully as he listens to them breathing. It was an old leather-bound journal. It talked a great deal about controlling your dreams. Farren found himself lost in it. He didn’t even notice the time. He was almost done when Ghila shook him.

“Daddy. It’s time for breakfast?”

“Yeah..uh..give me a second okay.”, Farren yawned as he got up. He wasn’t 20 anymore staying up all night to read a book wasn’t a good idea.

He got breakfast and climbed back into bed hoping to sleep a few minutes. The second his head hit the pillow however he became impossible to wake. He slept for 3 hours. When he woke up it was to Ghila poking his cheek. 

“Daddy! You’ve been napping for so long.”

“Sorry. I forgot to sleep last night.”

“Oh, well you should remember next time. If you sleep now you won’t sleep later.”

“You’re right. How did you get to be so smart?”

“I read lots of books.”

He was so proud of her. So bright, so kind. So what if she couldn’t really talk to other people. So what if she had a hard time looking them in the eye. She was brilliant, and everyone else could rot. “Where’s Bull at?”

“He went to go train with his boys.”

“Wanna got to some meetings with me?”

Ghila smiled brightly and nodded. She grabbed Snowy off the ground, and a book. “I’m ready to go.”

“Just give me a second.”

He’d dressed as fast as he could, but he was still late. Moreover, he’d missed two meetings. Josephine wasn’t happy. Ghila was truly the only reason he kept going. He was tired and hungry. The lack of sleep and eating were finally catching up to him. When they finally sat down to dinner he ate about half his food before falling asleep against Bull. Thankfully no one laughing at him laughed loud enough to wake him.

A week passed in a similar fashion. Honestly, he was grateful for the routine. It gave him time to train with Solas. Controlling your dreams was hard as Farren soon found out.He also had about 10000 meetings to go to. No matter what though at the end of the day he got to go to bed with Bull. Listening to Ghila above them. As one week turned to two he knew they’d be setting back out soon. Too much to do to stay around for long. It was that morning that Ghila woke up far too early. Around 2am when Farren had only just laid down.

“Daddy I had a bad dream.”

Farren moved the covers aside and let Ghila slide in. “Wanna talk about it?” Beside him, he could feel Bull stirring

“ ’s going on?”

“Ghila had a nightmare.”

“What happened?”

“There was a big fire and I couldn’t find anyone. I kept screaming but the smoke was making me cough. The time I finally found tama but he couldn’t hear me. Then daddy came running in, shouting something. I woke up right after that.”

Tama? Like Tamassran? Did Ghila just call Bull mom? As the thoughts were swirling through his head Bull sat up. He looked as shocked as Farren felt. Though just like Farren he looked happy. If the grin on his face was anything to go by. 

“Did you call me tama?”

“Yeah, that’s what you are right? You tuck me in sometimes and kiss my boo-boos. Plus you're always sleeping with my daddy. So tama, right?”

Bull laughed, it was a wet laugh that was so full of emotion. A few tears slid down his cheeks as he picked her up. “Don’t worry. Tamas here and I’m not gonna let anything happen to you. No fire will keep us apart.”

Ghila smiled and hugged him tightly as Farren- suddenly as if the gods hated him someone knocked on the door.

He climbed out of bed and marched rather angrily to the door. “Yes?”

It was one of Cullen’s men. “Sir, Commander Cullen wishes to speak with you right away. Someone has broken in. Two women. Heavily armed, and got close to your sleep quarters.”

He could have smacked the man. Did he not know little elf ears hear well. He turned his head and watched Ghila begin to shake. Tears now rolling down her cheeks as she screamed. “Daddy!” 

Bull let go of her as she ran for Farren. He bent down and picked her up. “Shhhh. Ghila this is important okay? I have to go and make sure were safe. I need you to let me go, and I need to to be a brave girl and stay with Bull. Keep him safe.” Ghila just clung tighter. Fear making her little body shake. “Ghila please.” He looked up as Bull walked up and rubbed a hand down her back. 

“Ghila you need to let go. Come on now ma’hallain.” Farren would have been impressed with how well Bull spoke elven if not for the fact that someone almost got close enough to kill his daughter. The same daughter that was now sobbing against him begging him not to leave. Bull gave him a look. A look that said go and ripped Ghila away. 

Farren pulled on his shirt as she screamed. He couldn’t look at her, but not looking didn’t help. Her voice echoed through the room. Breaking every part of his heart as she wailed. Begging him not to go. Coughing and choking as she shouted past snot and tears. He shut the door behind him feeling numb as he got further away from her screams.

The whole walk to Cullen’s office Farren kept fantasizing about pushing to runner off. His neck snapping on the snow covered stone below. He didn’t. They made it to Cullen’s office in one piece. 

“What were you thinking? Why would you try and break into the Inquisitor's quarters? Isabela even you aren’t dumb enough to think we wouldn’t have wards in place!”

“I was just testing them. Making sure your beloved leader was safe. That’s why Hawke asked him here.”

“And you Merrill! Why did you go along with it?”

“Leave Kitten out of this! She did nothing wrong. She just waited for me.”

“You looked like assassins!”

“What’s worse is that it took your men until we were at his fucking door to spot us!”

Farren just stood there listening to them shouting for a moment. “You’re the assassins?”

Everyone grew silent as one of the women turned to him. An elf, dalish at that. “Not assassins, not really. You see Isabela and I came all the way here just to see you, and help. She thought the guards looked a little…well poorly trained. So she wanted to see how close to you she could get before they stopped her.”

“How close was that?”

“Into the little hallway outside your door.”

His blood burned. His little girl war upstairs crying her eyes out. “You scared my daughter half to death just to text my security! WHAT. THE. FUCK! What in the name of all the gods is wrong with you! No, no please don’t answer. Nothing you say could explain this. Fucking idiots! Fucking worthless, stupid, bullshit, motherfucking- I swear by all that is holy! Fuck,fuck fuck.” At some point, he just started swearing. 

He was like that for a good minute before the fucking shemlen walked up to him. “My name is Isabela. Your daughter was never in any danger. I’m here to help you. Calm, take a deep breath.”

Despite wanting to punch her in the throat he listened. Taking a deep breath, then two. He found himself relaxing after a few seconds. “Never do that again.”

“I won’t. Merrill here is going to help you will magic stuff. I, however, am gonna make sure no one ever gets as far as I did tonight.”

Farren looked to Cullen who sighed. “These are Hawke friends. They are trustworthy if _nothing_ else.”

“Okay, then you can stay. I suppose leadership is about not killing everyone you want to. No matter how much they piss you off.”, and with that, he stormed out.

He walked back upstairs and saw Bull rummaging around. “Is everything okay?”

Bull looked back at him in shock. “She’s throwing up and she needs her halla. Kadan, what happened?”

“Snowy. That halla’s name is Snowy. Also turns out it was Hawke’s friends testing out the guards.”

Bull growled as Farren picked the toy up from under the bed. “That’s it! All of this because that wanted to -”

“I know, but we have to be calm for Ghila. Rage later. Suppress it right now.”

With that, he walked into the bathroom. Ghila was bent over a bucket with vomit in it. Her hair tied back by Bull. Her eyes lit up the second he walked in. He picked her up kissing her cheeks before filling a glass with water. As Ghila rinsed out her mouth Farren rubbed her back. “It was all just a mistake okay? Hawke sent his friends to check up on me, and they wanted to see if the guards were as good as Hawke said. They are cause that stopped them. We were never in any danger. Everything okay sweets.”

“Really?” Ghila asked as she clung to Snowy.

“Yes. Now let's get some sleep okay? Daddy is beyond tired.”

Ghila just nodded as they climbed back into bed. She fell asleep in seconds clearly warn out. Bull and Farren on the other hands sat up all night. Watching their little girl sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for waiting. I cannot thank you enough. A huge shout out to PaleAngel_90! You are the greatest! Anyway you can thanks Agnes by Glass Animals for the chapter title. Amazing song by an amazing band. The new album is the best. I highly recommend listening to it!


	12. Don't you say it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no Farren has to go to a party. With people....shemlen nobles. Why does the world hate him? (Also Merry Christmas!)

Ghila had woken up several times throughout the night. Even worse the pattern spread well into the next few days. It seemed she couldn’t sleep through the night anymore. She was having horrible nightmares. Farren had barely slept since the first night. He was certain Bull was in the same boat This was made all the worse by having to play nice with Isabela. He wanted to snap her neck, but Hawke was sure she could help. He wasn’t wrong. In just the past few days she’d managed to do more with the troops then he could have dreamed. That didn’t mean he forgave her for what she’d done. It just meant he wasn’t about to kill her. Not yet anyway.

The sun was just starting to set, and Farren’s head was throbbing. The lack of sleep and constant stress serving only to further fray his already frayed nerves. It was about that time that Josephine came back into the war room. Her heels clicking loudly on the stone floor. Each step like a nail being driven into this brain. 

“King Alistair has sent you an invitation to the Hero’s feast. Mahariel is busy this year so he wants to make you the special guest.” She said as she slid the invitation over to him.

“Truly? Why would he want me there? He glared me down and forced me out of his precious castle. Why invite me back?”

“He’s seeing you in a more favorable light since Adamant like everyone else.” She supplied as she walked around to the other side of the table.

“Not everyone”, Farren muttered under his breath as he quickly scanned over the letter. “Well, I’m busy so send something that says both sorry but no.”

“You aren’t too busy for this. Or rather you aren’t allowed to be. You need this, we need this. You need the break and this would look good for the Inquisition.”

“I don’t think you know what the term break means. It would be very relaxing if I'm surrounded by nobles who think I’m some shifty wild elf.”

“Think of all the donors, all the women and men waiting to join us. Ghila could even go with. It may do her some good to be out of Skyhold. She might get some sleep.”

“Josephine I haven’t slept, my head is pounding. You want me to take my scared child away from a safe castle. Onto dangerous roads then into a strange new castle? For what? Some dumb nobles.” Farren sighed and picked up the rest of his paperwork. “I have to go, but I’ll think about it. Since clearly, I don’t really have a choice saying I’ll think about it is merely a formality.”

Josephine just smiled annoying polite as he left.

Upstairs he could hear Bull talking. As he got closer he could hear more clearly. He was reading her a story. One about a hunter who got lost in the woods and saved by a bear. Farren walked in slowly as not to disturb them. When he got inside, however, he was surprised to see Ghila asleep. “How?” He asked no one in particular. Mystified by the site of his little girl finally asleep. 

“I think she just passed out,” Bull whispered as he slipped from beneath her. Laying her small frame gently on the bed. “Everything okay?”

“Besides the fact that I’m failing as a parent? Yeah, peachy.” He sighed heavily and turned away. “You should go get some rest.”

“Kadan you aren’t fail-”

“You don’t know anything about raising kids Bull!” Farren whispered enraged. It was that harsh whispering people did when they truly just wanted to scream. “I am failing. She isn’t sleeping, she’s barely eating. I keep her here it stays like this. I send her home she could get killed. I can’t protect the ONE person on the fucking planet I want to. The one person I'm supposed to protect. So please as someone who's raised a child I can tell you without a doubt I am failing. For fuck's sake, you got her to sleep before I could!”

Bull took a deep breath before leaving. Farren felt his stomach drop as the door shut, but then turned around and went to work. Hours passed in silence just Ghila breathing and her soft snores. His heart ached a heavy feeling in his chest. He knew the second it happened he shouldn’t have snapped. Yet his fucking pride made him hold back. Made him stop himself from saying sorry. A mess of voices in his head shouted that Bull would leave for this. Deep down he wondered if they were right.

He stopped himself as the feeling of panic began to curl around his chest. It’d do no one any good to panic. He tried to take a few deep breaths, but it didn’t seem to help. The panic made him feel sick and he was sure his heart would beat right out of his chest. Tears ran down his cheeks as he pressed his hands over his mouth. He had to be quite so Ghila wouldn’t wake. She needed sleep. That didn’t stop him from sobbing however silently into his hands. 

When he’d finally finished crying he felt tired. Eyes blurry from the tears. Body worn out and achy. Still, he sat up and tried his best to work. Ghila had been asleep at this point for 3 nearly 4 hours. She needed the rest, and climbing into bed might wake her. Work, he told himself. Just keep working until it’s the only thing in your head. 

However the door opened, and Farren felt himself grow tense. Slowly Bull walked inside. He was carrying a tray with him and set it down beside Farren. “You should take a break.”

Farren turned his head to stare at the tray before him. His eyes blinked slowly. “Why?”

“Why did I bring you food? Because you barely eat enough as it is. Why am I back? Because one fight doesn’t mean I stop caring for you, stop loving you.”

He wanted to die, to curl into a ball and just stop being. Was he that transparent. How could he be so stupid? He was an adult not some 20-year-old kid anymore. Why was he like this. Why was he so-

“I can almost hear the self-hatred going on in your head. Talk to me.”

Farren grabbed a roll off the tray and turned it over in his hands. “How do you always know the right thing to say? Why aren’t you mad at me? Why am I such a massive fuck up?”

“One: Years of training kadan. Two: I’m not mad because I saw the look on your face as I left. I know you didn’t mean it. You’re stressed and scared. Three: People made mistakes kadan. You, me, everyone.”

Bull then grabbed a roll and sat down on the floor beside the desk. They ate in a comfortable silence until all the rolls and sandwiches were gone. “I think we should go to this festival,” Farren said handing over the invitation. “It would be good to take a break. Well, it’ll be nice to eat some free food and spend time with Ghila. Maybe all she really needs is some time away.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Honestly, though you look like you need time away just as much. I’ve noticed you looking at the door more often. Listening more closely.”

“I just…how did she get so close?”

“The guards fucked up. I’ve seen them today though and holy shit! They’ve gotten a lot better. Kadan you gotta know nothing would have happened. I swear to you I won’t let anything happen to her. To either of you.”

“Sweet talker. Still, I think I’m gonna have some of the mages do a few charms while were gone. Ones that create a bright light if broken. Maybe even some loud noises. Over the windows on the balcony and outside the door. The ones that are there now aren’t the best.”

“Okay then. See we’ve got a plan now. You feeling any better?”

“Yeah, I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you.”

“Hey, think we’re gonna need to dress up for this?”

“You mean are you gonna have to put on a shirt? Hmm, I’m gonna guess no…I mean this isn’t the Winter Palace, and the people won’t be as uptight. Hopefully. Human nobility can be so complicated.”

Bull just nodded and continued to sit there while Farren went back to work. Though he got very little done as short there after Ghila woke up. Upon waking, she ran to them in a state of panic. She’d had another nightmare. Once they got her to calm down Bull left to get some water. 

“Ghila would you like to go with daddy and Bull to a party?”

She looked up at him wide-eyed and mystified by the very idea. “A party?”

“A festival like the one we do for the winter solstice. It’d have a lot of people, but while we're gone they’re gonna make the room SUPER safe. Then we come back nothing and no one will be able to get in that we don’t want. Well except Dorian.”

Ghila laughed and smiled brightly. It was the first real smile he’d seen on her in what felt like ages. “Will I get to wear a pretty dress?”

“Yes, but I want to warn you there will be a lot of people. You won’t have to talk to them, but they will be there.”

“Will I be with you the whole time?”

“No, but you will have Bull the whole time. Daddy might get pulled away.”

She seemed to mull it over as Bull came back in with the water and some more snacks. Jerky and some fresh apples. Ghila took most of the jerky and her water up to her little bed. “As long as Snowy can come.” She called out as she finished climbing the later.

Farren couldn’t help but hope this went well. Ghila needed a break. Her life was hard enough. A father that was always a second away from falling apart, and a mother that tried to kill her. Even if the latter was unknown to her. Ghila deserved a better life. So Farren went about getting things ready. 

Over the course of a few days, he had Vivienne design a dress for Ghila. Despite her fear of people Ghila did manage to at least tell Vivienne she wanted the dress to be purple. Vivienne also went about making something in a matching color for Farren to wear. Next, however, was making sure they had a large enough carriage, and a good tent. 

There was also the matter of which soldiers to bring along. What all he needed to pack. It was a little overwhelming. He was used to traveling with Ghila sure, but this wasn’t like normal. He didn’t have his home attached to a halla. Everything he needed in a chest in the back. No, now he had to pack. Truly at this moment, he didn’t envy shemlens and their homes. Human. Same thing when he’s pissed but best not to call them that.

Finally, everything was ready and they set out. The carriage was nice and spacious. It was nearly as long as his aravel. Painted black with silver and blue trim. Four large wooden silver paint wheels beneath it. What stood out to him, however, was the inside. Soft cushioned seats, and in the cent was a small table. Beneath the seats were two chests with locks, and the windows had little curtains over them. Inside it was meant to be only him and Ghila, however, Dorian quickly found his way inside.

“There's no way I’m riding on some smelly horse while you ride in a luxury carriage.”

“Fine, but I want you to know I’m only letting you in because you’d complain otherwise.”

“Liar. You love me.”

Ghila laughed softly at the exchange before going back to her painting. Farren drew open the curtains and leaned again the wall of the carriage. The road was thankfully not so bumpy as to have his head smacking against it every few seconds. He was so tired, but sleep seemed just out of reach. All he wanted was a simple nap. Still counting his blessing that Ghila seemed to be okay with Dorian being in the carriage. So he at least got to enjoy some silence.

“Daddy look at what I drew!” She called out excitedly lifting the paper to show him.

On the paper was a picture of him and Dorian with the words _Liar you love me_ written on it. “Oh no.”

Dorian just laughed. “Oh, sweet Ghila please let me have that. I’ll pay you.”

She looked up at him and Farren could see she didn’t really want to talk. Not like she did with him. Still, she handed it over and smile. “I hope you like it.” She said softly. “The mustache was hard to draw.”

Dorian held it up and nodded. “I think you captured my beauty perfectly. One day when you're a famous artist I’ll be able to say I have some of your very early work.”

“You think I could be a famous artist?” She asked leaning over the table. “Really?”

“Of course. You’re clearly very skilled.”

Ghila just smiled brightly and went back to her drawings. Farren leaned over and kissed Dorian softly on the cheek. “Thank you.”, he mouthed.

They stopped for lunch and afterward Ghila took a nap. Still, Farren found he couldn’t sleep. Time wore on and the day turned slowly tonight. They set up camp. Ghila slept in the corner of the tent on a small cot. She was so tired she barely managed to finish dinner. Farren couldn’t blame her. He was just as tired. Eyes barely staying open. Finally as Bull pulled the covers over them he was able to sleep. 

_Screaming. Blood everywhere. This was wrong. This wasn’t his dream he was sure of it. Too much blood. A place he didn’t know. No, his dreams were always much more torture much less death. He could hear unfamiliar screams. As he got closer to them the haze that seemed to hold him snapped._

_He could see Bull standing there covered in blood. Around him the Chargers dead bodies. He looked crazed. Lost in some sort of madness. Then Farren saw himself. He slowly approached Bull. Had held out begging him to stop. Bull seemingly couldn’t hear him and lunged forward. Cleaving Farren in two with one stroke._

_Suddenly Bull fell to his knee’s and screamed. Farren couldn’t take it any longer and ran over._

_“Bull! What are you doing?” He shouted as Bull whipped his head around. “What is all this?” He asked heartbreaking at the scene before him._

_“What? I just killed you? How are you…”_

_“You’re dreaming.”_

_“I know…This is the point in the dream when someone finally comes along and kills me. Then I wake up. So why are you here?”_

_“Wait, you’ve been having this dream? Why not tell me about it?”_

_“You have a lot of other shit to deal with kadan.”_

_“Idiot”, Farren said as he leaned down and gently kissed Bull’s forehead._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“When I dream now the anchor lets me enter other people's dreams.”_

_“So you’re really here?”, Bull asked as he stood up. The blood and bodies burning away as the scene seemed to change._

_“Yes. I think I’m in control here. I think-” He paused as the space around them changed into a field at sunset. “This looks much nicer doesn’t it?”_

_“Kadan, you’re really here?”_

_Farren instead of speaking pulled him down into a kiss. They laid down on the grass slowly kissing each other. It wasn’t sexual as much as it was comforting.Farren could smell Bull musk, the grass around them. It all felt pleasantly real. Before long, however, he could feel himself waking._

The sun was just rising when Farren woke up. A minute later Bull woke up beside him. They said nothing for a few seconds just enjoyed the moment. A sleep free from nightmares was clearly rare for both of them.

“Was that real?”, Bull asked eye never leaving the top of the tent. 

“The dream kissing? Yeah, that was really me.”

“You mean you can just enter dreams?”

“Not really. I’ve only done it twice now. Solas did it the first time. I have no idea how it happens.”

Bull finally sat up and looked down at him. “I’m sorry you saw that.”

“I’m not. I wish I could be there for more of your dreams. Then maybe we’d both stop having so many nightmares.”

The smile on Bull’s face as he leaned down and kissed Farren was worth all the suffering and pain he’d ever gone through. In this moment Farren thought just maybe he’d go through all his time with Vee over again just to get here. Just to be happy with Bull. If she was the price he paid, well fuck it. He’d suffer gladly. The kiss ended as Ghila woke up.

Camp was packed up, and Farren loaded himself and Ghila back into the carriage. Dorian sat beside him half asleep with a hickey on his neck. He was happy to know that Dorian had a good night as well. Ghila had slept for the first time in days without waking from a nightmare. So clearly the space between her and Skyhold was working. 

Farren was reading over some papers Cullen had given him when there was a knock on the door. The moving door. He stopped reading and opened the curtains. Riding beside him on Violet was Bull. In his hand was a dozen beautiful flowers. 

“I saw these and thought you might like them.” He said handing them over.  
Fighting back the urge to leap out and hug him Farren just smiled. “You’re such a romantic.”

Bull just smiled back before riding off. Beside him, he heard Dorian snort. He was obviously jealous. 

The days passed quickly and Farren found himself smiling more and more each day. This break was helping him just as much as it was helping Ghila. Sure he felt guilty about not being at Skyhold. Not helping out, but he needed a break. Time away from work. Time to just relax. He hadn’t managed to get back into Bull’s dreams, but they spoke more about them. He found himself sleeping peacefully for a change. He found himself being just a person again. It was beautiful outside. Leaves falling down all around them. The cold and the scent of fall in the air. Every day away felt better and better.

Still, they did reach the castle. Alistair, however, wasn’t there. They were greeted instead by his uncle. Farren couldn’t care less as they were given a tour. Showed where they would be sleeping. The second he finished they unpacked, and Ghila fell asleep. He worried her taking a nap this early would make it harder to get to bed later but wasn’t about to wake her. He left her and Bull to relax and went for a walk around the gardens.

It was full of flowers. Some common like lilies and roses. He even spotted some herbs. Bundles of embrium and elfroot. He found himself kneeling down beside a small pond that had dawn lotus floating on it. It was so beautiful out here. He wondered idly if he could get the garden in Skyhold to look this good.

“Farren?”, a voice asked from behind him. A familiar voice. So hauntingly beautiful. Chilling his spine as it spoke his name. “Farren is that you?” 

He couldn’t breathe. Throat closing as he stood up on shaking legs. He turned around and saw her. Still as beautiful as when she ruined him. Her skin a warm amber, her eyes like gold. Hair darker than obsidian and twice and beautiful. Her lips like the very rose petals she stood by. Perfect flawlessly red. Like the blood the flowed through his veins. Through their child's veins. She was perfect. Gods help him she looked just as good as when she’d left. The scar on her forehead the only mar on her. The scar he’d left. 

“Farren you look shocked. I promise you this isn’t a dream.” She whispered as she moved in closer. She smells like warm honey and fresh spices and roses. Gods, please spare him. As her hand cupped his cheek he found himself whispering back.

“Hello, Vee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep.... anyway title from River by Bishop Briggs. Great song!


	13. Timid twitch in your wide Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a preview of the next chapter because i left it on a cliff hanger. this should be out before the month's end!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Walla Walla by Glass Animals is amazing and where i got this title

**Author's Note:**

> Back bitches! New chapters edits and art!!!


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